Friendly Mama

The Chihuahua is Alright

2012-02-19T09:54:00.001-06:00

The Chihuahua has been alive and well and completely manic for the last long while so entering into worship has been seemingly less than rewarding. I sit still with my body mostly quiet, so I suppose I appear to others to have an Old Argus mind (Argus is my dog, the most gentle, mellow, wonderful dog ever). While my body is still, my mind is racing like a young greyhound after a jackrabbit. Mark and I have tried to remember to have daily worship with one another. We sit in the Quiet Room in The Burrow for 15 or so minutes in worship and then perhaps will do a bit of worship sharing around a query or whatever came up for one of us out of worship. I sit, quiet my body, and try to quiet my mind: I express my gratitude to God for the myriad blessings in my life, sometimes try to hold someone or something in prayer but generally by then The Chihuahua has been yipping with the determination of a fly at a picnic. This has been the pretty consistent state of my mind for months and months.

I don’t feel frustration with myself or feel I am failing or doing something wrong. I accept that this is the way my brain works and have found other ways I am able to connect with God. Although I’m not generally able to feel God’s immediate presence in the stillness of worship, I am aware of God with me and around me and sometimes through me. I know God is with me when I sit in silence waiting with others, even when The Chiuhauhua is yapping so loudly I’m utterly distracted from my awareness of God.

Last weekend, when working with Mark on our goal for Couples Enrichment, I felt God’s presence intimately and purely. God was with us, guiding us, as we held our relationship in prayer. When we sat in worship together on Monday, I thought about my inability to center into mental stillness in worship but how God is so near to me. In the past, it seemed to me that when The Chihuahua held ownership of my mind, I tended to be distant from God, unable to be immediately aware of God’s presence. But for the past year, year and a half or maybe longer, I’ve been more deliberately attentive to the practices I know bring me closer to God: writing, reading and especially talking with f/Friends about God and spiritual matters. I realize that not being able to be all Good Quaker by centering and quieting and going deep into worship is ok with God. I feel sure that God is good with whatever works for each of us. My intention in worship is to become aware of God and maybe I won’t be able to do so as centeredly, weightily or consistently as other Friends, but I will do it in my way, the way God made me to be, and it will be good.

Turning Outward

2012-02-15T11:20:00.007-06:00

Mark and I were edified this week by participating in an FGC Couples Enrichment weekend. Couples were encouraged to identify and define a goal for the next year for their relationship. Our goal is spiritual in nature. Our main obstacle is our own tendencies toward procrastination so we decided to try to do a weekly worship—like a meeting for worship for the conduct of business for us as a couple—in which we hope to listen to any leadings God may have for us, set our intentions for the week, and create structure for ourselves in order to help us meet our goal. Scheduling our time somewhat will allow us to pursue things we feel are important--worship sharing, reading, studying, writing--but that we’ve not been attentive to recently because of more frivolous distractions. We trust that seeking God’s guidance will allow the myriad facets of our lives to take their rightful places.

As Mark and I sat together discussing our vision, I was given a clear message that we are to stop being so self-indulgent and prepare ourselves to take responsibility for what we have been given. Our goal is spiritual, learning to live together in Christ, but it seems that realizing this goal is grounded in the physical reality of The Burrow and so we are to apply ourselves to readying our home to offer hospitality. I think, perhaps in a feng shui-y kind of way, the boxes of books and dusty bookshelves are symbols of inattention. Making The Burrow comfortable and interesting for guests and for our family is the beginning of a larger calling, I think.

I do not in any way believe in a “name it and claim it” kind of theology. I don’t believe that God wants us to prosper in material wealth but in Truth. When I say that all I identified as wanting to bring into my life—and more—has been given me, it has. But I believe it has because stating my desires was done while seeking God’s will for me: listening, praying, waiting and discerning. When I wrote the blog in December 2010 about what I wanted to create in my life, it was informed by years of prayer and learning, conversations with centered and trusted Friends and even a Clearness Committee. After I wrote it, I lost my marriage, my job and my home and, against reason and my own impulses, was clearly instructed by God to… wait. Waiting is hard, especially when one hasn’t a clue why one is to wait. But the message to me was clear and so I waited. It wasn’t easy; at times I felt fear, anxiety, frustration, even despair, but I trusted God to have a plan and waited.

And then Mark entered my life bringing love and great joy! Our love brought this home and the amazing miracle of all my intentions into existence. I’ve spent the past two months awed at how good God has been to me, grateful every moment for Mark and the wonder and beauty of the life we’re creating together. But especially grateful to have been given the lesson of listening and waiting, the gift of faith.

The last two months with Mark have been a honeymoon, learning the day-to-dayness of how to live together, share, work side-by-side, balance needs, and rely on one another. We’ve had a marvelous time playing, laughing, and loving together. I wouldn’t say we’ve been irresponsible; what I would say, though, is that we’ve spent a lot more energy between us than directed outward. "To everything turn, turn, turn…" It wasn’t inappropriate for us to do that for a time. When we talked about our goal for the year, however, I had the clear message that it is time for us to use our energy to begin to actively bring the gifts we’ve been given to fruition. It is time to act.

I’ve no idea where this is going to lead, no clue what the outcome will be. God’s guidance is like that of a GPS—you only get the next little bit of the map, the part you need right now to act. Mark and I are learning to pray, wait, listen and discern together. When I said that I felt God clearly telling me that we are to begin turning our energies outward, he responded by saying the leading sounds true to him. I feel blessed beyond words to have this kind, passionate, hilariously funny man who is also my true spiritual helpmeet.

A Year of Releasing, A New Year of Embracing

2011-12-19T08:59:00.008-06:00

Many changes in the past year. In reading through blogs I wrote, the theme, over and over, was about resting in the unknown and trusting God. I let go of/was relieved of so many things. I was uprooted from the life I’d known for 20 years. Although Frank and Nancy have been unfailingly kind and supportive, it was very hard to live with my son in one room in a friend's house. It was a serious test of patience and frugality to have no job and no income other than unemployment. Living with few certainties was usually stressful and often frightening. I had little that I could know, almost nothing to count on. I did have friends, my children and parents and I had complete faith that it would all make sense one day, that God would guide me to where I should be and I would eventually see the meaning.

Everything is changing again.

Mark and I established a casual friendship over the course of several years as Friendly Adult Presences (chaperones) in the Quaker teen program in our region, SAYF, and it was through this that we were able to connect, which led to us exploring a romantic relationship and falling in love. Although it seems sudden, we feel we have been guided by God. As we got to know one another as unmarried individuals, we found we have an amazing number of things in common. Our faith, the way we experience God and our values are the most important but we also share taste in food (we’re both vegetarian and for the same reason), music, writing, word play and games. We both have a desire to make Christ our center, living God’s will for us in all we do.

Mark and I began talking in April, dating in May and we bought a house together this week. He will be moving here immediately after Christmas. We plan to marry in the spring, if it be God’s will for us. We have prayed about each step of our relationship, asking, questioning, wanting it to work but trusting God to know what is best for us and we feel clear that where we are and the vision we share is good.

I look back over the last year and I thank God for everything. I am so grateful that I was without work for those 7 months so I could be with my best girlfriend through a difficult health crisis last June. I am grateful I could travel with Finn this past summer, visiting family and doing interesting things together. But especially I am grateful for the time with Mark. I’m grateful I was able to listen, trust and wait as God was telling me to do. If I had rushed or pushed or forced my life forward (by applying to any and all jobs and then taking the first one offered, by renting an apartment, etc.) I would not have learned to listen nor been available when Mark (re)entered my life.

This is from my friendlymama blogpost last New Year’s Eve:

I desire a life of submission to God’s will. I will actively do what I know will increase my awareness of God in my life, writing, prayer, fellowship, community. I will try to be open to new leadings and new directions. Not my will but Thine.

I would like to live a frugal life, relatively financially independent. I don’t want to think about retirement but about what kind of impact I am making on the world right now. I would like a low-stress job which would allow me the time to write and build community. Or, I would like to create a business that I can do from home such as owning an apartment building or running a hostel. Or, I’d like to find my own “right livelihood”. I trust Spirit to guide me.

Anyone who knows me or reads my blog knows I want to be automobile independent. In Nashville, with children in school and with a job, I don’t think this is possible. I would like to build into my new life as much freedom from auto-dependence as possible. I may still need to own a car but I would like to walk, (learn to) bike and ride buses whenever possible. I trust Spirit to lead me.

I would like an open house, that is, a house which is open and warm and inviting. I want to offer hospitality and to welcome people with food and generosity. (I’d really like a country kitchen, good for baking bread.) I would like my home to be a gathering place for my friends and my communities and my children’s friends. I trust Spirit to use me.

I would like to have greater compassion coupled with a more effective ability to act. I want to be a member of the Body of Christ on Earth, doing God’s work. I trust Spirit to teach me.

When I read that post and I think of all the loss and now all that is being given, I am awed. A year ago, I couldn’t imagine entering into a new relationship and yet God brought this amazing man into my life who supports and facilitates all those things I feel God is calling me to do. Besides the fact that I’m heels-over-head crazy in love with him, Mark seems the mate God created for me. He shares my desire to make our homelife an extension of our spiritual community. The home we now own, which we are calling The Burrow due to its abundance of space, is perfect for offering hospitality and living in community. It is in a neighborhood which will allow us to be much less car-dependent. We are hoping to rent the front third of The Burrow to a single parent to build community and to allow us to have an amount of financial flexibility. I most likely could not have bought this home without Mark and I am grateful beyond my ability to express that God put Mark in my life to be my mate, this man who loves me purely and truly, who accepts my love like a priceless gift and who shares with me the yearning to live in God.

On Name Calling, Karma, House Buying (and falling in love)

2011-11-05T07:28:00.008-06:00

So what if I call him a jerk (or something slightly more colorful)? He doesn’t know and will never know. We’ve never met; will most likely never meet. The nature of our relationship is based on anonymity, ensured by each of us employing an agent to conduct our transactions for us. Our agent, who is just about the sweetest person one could ever meet, calls him a jerk—not in so many words, but still. His agent has begun implying that he feels his client is acting in a jerkish manner. I have confirmation and validation. Dude is being way uncool. Being in agreement that the price was fair, we offered what Seller was asking without attempting to negotiate a lower price. The contract, as is usual, stated that Seller would pay closing costs. Seller refused. Seller refused to pay for termite treatment. Seller tried to force inspections to be done within one week and then, after we capitulated on all the standard contract stipulations he refused, when he finally agreed to the other terms, he is now demanding that the closing take place within 3 weeks. You can imagine that I’d love nothing more than to be in my new home within 3 weeks after having been homeless since May but the mortgage company has everything to do with it at this point.

Hmmm…background, background and perhaps a little more background is in order. Where to start?

I’m buying a house. With Mark Wutka, who has become my beloved and my betrothed (but about whom there is so much to say it should be, and I’m sure will frequently be, subject for other blogposts). The house we are buying is in Nashville and Mark will be moving here to be with me after Christmas.

I’ve been looking at houses for YEARS. Dreaming, hoping, escaping, wishing, longing-plenty of pocketa-pocketa-pocketa Walter Mitty stuff-but also lots and lots and lots of research about neighborhoods and cost-per-square-foot and schools and energy efficiency and structural integrity and real estate as investment and so much more.

Being unable to afford private school tuition and realizing the need to commit to living in the area with the good public schools so we don’t have to go through the stress and rigmarole of figuring out which school will best meet Finn’s needs each year, I decided to put down roots in Sylvan Park (ironically, we’ve just begun homeschooling again, but that’s grist for yet another post).

This house we are buying, which we are calling The Burrow, has been on the market since 2008. It is big-4,000 square feet big-and ugly: it was originally a nice little house that a contractor added a 3,000 square foot box onto the back of in 2006. It was built as a triplex but is legally zoned for single family occupancy so can’t be used as an investment property and will require a lot of work to remodel into a single family dwelling. It is also a weird property, with a very random and illogical floor plan (hence The Burrow, for we Harry Potter fans). It’d been on the market for almost 3 years and then was sold in April of this year and then almost immediately put back on the market. The price was reduced a couple of times and when I called the listing agent to look at it in August, he said the buyer bought it to flip, turned down an offer shortly after it was listed and hadn’t gotten a nibble since then. The price was again lowered a couple of times when Mark and I began to talk seriously about buying a house together so we got a recommendation for a marvelous realtor, Angela, from our friends J&C and The Burrow was the first of 2 places we looked at. It has 9 or 10 bedrooms, 6 & ½ baths and 3 kitchens. It’s huge and odd and quirky but it seemed to fit us and our needs very well. Mark and I both feel a powerful call to center our lives in God and to make our home a continuation of our spiritual community by living near people who share our faith and also through hospitality. We would like to live independent of cars as much as possible and The Burrow is within walking distance of much of what we need and want to do, including Nashville Friends Meeting (we can’t wait to walk to meeting for worship every week!).

Our soon-to-be home is big enough to rent out the front 2-3 bedroom section to someone, preferably a single parent with a couple of children who wants to live in community or a single Quaker.

Removing the front third of The Burrow from consideration, we will still have 3,000 sf of living space which includes 7 bedrooms, 4&½ baths and 2 kitchens. Mark and I will share an office and bedroom and Zan and Finn will each have their own bedrooms. In addition to that, we will have a room for Mark’s granddaughters, a music room and a library, all of which will also act as guest rooms. The upstairs kitchen/dining area will be rec room/laundry room. We will be able to comfortably and easily welcome friends, visitors, travelers and host lots of parties, gatherings, worship groups and potlucks. We are excited that we will be able to practice hospitality in our home.

Back to the jerk, er…Seller. Mark, kind man that he is, does not call Seller rude names. To do so, he explained, would be to make assumptions that may color our behavior toward him. My argument was that we will never meet Seller and so how we refer to him in our private conversations will have no bearing on him. But now I think of this in terms of hospitality.

Hospitality to me means welcome, generosity, warmth, sharing, acceptance. I don’t know Seller’s story or anything about him. He made a very foolish business investment hoping to make a quick profit and it seems that he is digging his heels in and stubbornly insisting on squeezing every last cent out of it rather than being grateful to be out from under it. One could make assumptions about his character based on that but when I think about my definition of hospitality, my perspective shifts.

Mark and I became acquainted as unmarried people in April and began dating in May. It was pretty clear to both of us that we fell in love shortly thereafter. Since our initial conversation, it has seemed we stepped into The Slipstream and are being carried by God. Way has opened for us every step of our growing relationship. I could go on and on about how perfect we are together but I’ll spare you that (for now). What I will say is that I hadn’t really believed there was anyone in the world I would ever find perfect.

I accept, up to a point, the idea of karma, in that I accept that you get back the kind of energy you put out. I don’t have any connection to the idea of past lives or creating karma that is yours at your next birth, hardwiring conditions of your life. I have felt, however, that I must have accrued some seriously good karma to have been blessed with the gift of Mark. Whatever the circumstances, whether it was karma or, as I feel is more true, that God has brought us together for a purpose because we belong together as partners while we serve God, I know we should have hospitality in mind.

And in thinking about Seller in the context of karma or of hospitality, referring to him as “The Jerk” does not feel right. He may not be the most lovable person but Jesus didn’t tell us to love only the people who make our lives easy. I wouldn’t call Seller my enemy but it is an easy step to go from calling him The Jerk to thinking of him as an adversary and what does that do? When I call Seller a jerk, I’m not affecting his karma nor changing him in any way but I am creating negativity and an inhospitable mindset. Out of bad experiences we learn and grow and carry with us the potential for transformative purpose. Although Seller seems to have given us a hard time for no good reason, who is to say that Seller isn’t giving us an opportunity for good? Maybe, instead of calling him The Jerk, I should be praising him? This is life and we have no way to know what will come. I spend my life trusting that what I’m learning will have meaning and a use one day. Maybe the lesson right now is to not call people names even when they seem to be deliberately unpleasant, a lesson I should have learned at my mother’s knee but which I obviously did not heed. Maybe the lesson is further patience; maybe it is something about which I currently have no inkling. Whatever the case, I am trying to let go of negativity and assume the best. My life has love aplenty to share and I needn’t be so narrow minded as to think it should only be shared with those who will return it. Blessings for Seller with no stipulations like hope for a softening of his heart: simply blessings for him.

Modesty, Humility, and Submission

2011-08-09T06:14:00.015-06:00

About a month ago, in a on-line Friendly discussion group for people interested in plain dress and simplicity, in reply to a discussion about modesty, plainness and hair, I wrote this:

"As for modesty, hmmm...I'm not very modest at all. I'm 46 and have had 3 babies. My body looks like what it is but I'm really happy with it and wear some clothes that show lots of skin. Oddly, about the time I became involved with my plain dressing Quaker man, I also became comfortable wearing dresses and summer tops which showed my cleavage, something I'd never done before. He's fine with it although I'm sure we occasionally discombobulate people."

Writing that and posting it on a public forum has made me really consider what I said and what I meant.

I've never been particularly modest; ok, I've always actually been pretty immodest both in attitude and in dress. I've always had fun with dress and having fun has been more important than being modest. My clothes are flashy and my demeanor has always been pretty flashy, too. But lately, since falling for my sincere, Friendly and God-led Plainman, I've had cause to further examine the ways in which I interact with the world.

From m-w.com:
modesty
1: freedom from conceit or vanity
2: propriety in dress, speech, or conduct

humble
1: not proud or haughty : not arrogant or assertive
2: reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission

Yeah, uh...ahem...not even close.

I've been considering humility and what it means to me. Give over, I think: give over my ego, my self-ishness, my pride, my conceit, the delight I take in my uniqueness but also my gifts, my abilities and my joy; give myself fully over to God. Submit myself to God, allowing myself to be formed by God and used. At the least, it means being aware of how I reflect that of God within me to the world.

I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with wearing a dress and camisole with a little cleavage showing. I don't think of sin as an action so much as a state of being. I've written before how I think sin is whatever we allow to come between us and God. So my wearing clothes that show a lot of skin may have no more meaning than me wearing a coat in winter. On the other hand, given my propensity to have my ego tied up in what I wear and how I choose to present myself in my interactions with others, there's definitely potential for vanity.

I'm slowly beginning to examine my life and my daily choices. I'm not called to plainness but I am feeling that letting go of some of my attachment to how I package myself when I interact with other people is what I should be doing. I don't even think I really need to dress differently than I do, only that I allow dressing to be a prayerful activity rather than a self-ful one.

My Prayer of Gratitude for Community

2011-08-01T07:00:00.005-06:00

This was my FirstDay prayer:

Holy One,
I thank you so deeply for my Beloved Community. Thank you for the individuals who are my spiritual family and the relationships I have with each. Thank you for the people I love and hold in the tenderest places of my heart. Thank you for all the new people who bring such interesting selves into my world; I look forward to getting to know each of them. Thank you for the folks who challenge me. Thank you for those people who are not easy to know, to understand or to love. Especially I thank you for the people who frustrate me and cause my initial reaction to be irritation because they are often the people from whom I learn the most (and please open my heart so my interactions are more loving and kind). Thank you for dear Friends whom I know and who know me intimately, listen for your will for me and help guide me. Thank you for new Friends who bring joyful enthusiasm, sincere questions and fresh perspectives with them. Thank you for our babies and children who give us delight and who allow us to more clearly see the future. Thank you for those with great needs who give us the opportunity to unite as a community, so we can learn to rely on one another and work together to offer comfort. Thank you for joyful occasions for celebration: memberships and weddings and babies and parties and times of just getting together for the pleasure of it (and Scrabble).

God, it is through this Beloved Community that I have learned what it means to be the Body of Christ by experiencing how we each have our gifts, callings and functions. In this community I am learning what it means to be humble, to submit, to give over my will and my ego in your service. Most of all, God, I am learning about your love for us and I learn to love you more through the love I am given, the love I feel and the love I'm surprised by and grow into.

Thank you, Loving Parent, for giving me this safe, nurturing, supportive community in which I am able to experience and test and explore so I may learn to follow your will for me. I am filled with gratitude for the love which flows into me and through me so I may share it with others. What you give is great and I ask that you help me be a true reflection of your love for us.

humbly yours,
Mary Linda

Seek Ye First

2011-06-13T08:17:00.004-06:00

I sat on a bench under a magnolia tree Saturday holding my life and my relationships with several people in prayer. This song is the message I was given:

Seek ye first the kingdom of God,
And its righteousness,
And all these things shall be added unto you,
Allelu, alleluia

At meeting for worship this message was given me: “When I seek first the kingdom of God, all aspects of my life take their rightful place.” I did not share it for the stupid reason that the two people sitting immediately next to me on both sides shared messages and I thought, I dunno, it would seem like we were sitting in the vocal ministry section, or something. That and I was testing it to see if the message was for me or to share. Worship ended without the message being shared and so I write it out and elaborate on it here.

I don’t know what I think about heaven. Maybe there is heaven and maybe there is not. It is sort of irrelevant to me. Most people think heaven is the kingdom of God, some wondrous place they’ll go to live with God after they die. Jesus said “the kingdom of God is within you” and “the kingdom of God is now”. What this means to me is that this world, this life, this reality (as we know it) is all God’s. Right now is heaven. God is within each of us and each of us is always living in the kingdom of God, if only we awaken to it. The awakening can be called salvation, enlightenment, hearing the still, small voice or being broken open by the Divine Light. However we name it, it is becoming aware of God so we may act in accord with God’s will for us. When we know God, we want to act for God and with God. Jesus said these are the most important commandments: “Love God with all your heart and soul and mind and love your neighbor as yourself.” In doing these, we are becoming alive to the kingdom of God and we begin to actively work to help others become aware of it by being manifestations of God’s love for us.

I mostly live a me-centric life. I care for my children and visit with friends and attend meeting for worship and committee meetings. I run errands and read books and take walks. I’m unemployed so I have lots of extra time on my hands to waste, which I do most effectively. Often, I find myself feeling scattered or scared or frazzled or anxious=life out of balance=living for me=not living for God. When I become aware of God and seek first the kingdom of God, the things that cause disharmony in me become small parts of a much bigger picture; those aspects of my life that have been out of balance quietly fall into their rightful places. My life becomes centered on God so I become attentive to God in my every action and aware that I am reflecting God to others.

I have been blessed by God with a deepening of an old friendship. In a short time, this person has gone from being a casual friend to being someone very important to me. We have many things in common but the most important aspect of our relationship is that we both try to be aware to seek God’s will for us first. We can laugh about most anything and engage in frivolous activities but we both try to maintain an awareness of how we reflect God in our lives. I enjoy his company so much that I want to be with him as often as I can. The temptation is to make my time with him the center point in my life. I am conscious of a difference when I seek the kingdom first versus when I put myself, my desires and wants, first. When I act for myself, I become greedy and self-ish. I want. I can’t get enough. NOW. When I seek God’s kingdom, I gain perspective; I become mindful of my wants in context of God’s will for me. I trust and know that God will guide me to do what is best for me so I may best reflect God’s love. When I spend time in prayer and quiet contemplation, I discover I am able to be patient and know that all will unfold as it should.

Over the years I’ve come to almost hate the word “blessed” because it is so over- and mis-used. “Have a blessed day” should be banned from ever being spoken. In spite of my intense dislike of this word, I have to say that blessed is how I feel. God has blessed me with so much good, including-especially-my longing for God. And now, contrary to my plans and ideas for myself, God has brought this amazing friendship into my life which is enriching me in ways too many to number. The main gift of this relationship, though, is that I am learning to make God the center of the relationship. I am not able to articulate what this means to me, how much joy doing so gives me; I can only say I am deeply, overwhelmingly grateful. God is actively working in my life and I don’t think I am special or unique to be so touched. I believe God is available to each of us; we must only be willing to listen.

Accountability to God Through Community

2011-05-25T05:42:00.005-06:00

I have deepened my friendships with two dear friends lately. They are both people people I trust with my innermost self. Our relationships are centered first in Spirit and then by enjoyment of one another as individuals with similar tastes and ways of understanding the world.

As I've written before, I want to be part of a community that knows me intimately, knows my intentions and gifts and leadings and holds me accountable. This is sometimes known in Quaker circles as eldering.

Having discussed it in Ministry & Council at NFM many times, I've thought about eldering from the perspective of how much trust one has to have in God to be able to take on the responsibility of eldering. As a very green newcomer to Friends, I was eldered by a seasoned Friend whom I trusted and think back to that experience with love and gratitude because I know it to have been done with loving concern.

In conversation today with one of my two increasingly important-to-me friends, we talked a bit about our mutual desire to be accountable to our spiritual communities and held accountable by them when it hit me that I can trust him to hold me accountable. This understanding was a rush of good feeling followed immediately by a good measure of fear. The fear=awe kind of fear. The "be careful what you wish for" fear. The fear that I will be held accountable. When asking for community to hold me accountable, my community responded slowly. We talked about eldering and what it means and how its done and shared examples of it. We discussed gifts and leadings and prayed over and encouraged those which seemed God-given. We supported and nurtured those who were suffering and in need of being held. We moved but slowly, which I bemoaned. But you know, being faced with it now, slow was exactly what I needed. Now, being faced with the reality of two dear trusted Friends who are willing to know the deepest, darkest me and who love me anyway and support me and hold me up to God so they can know God's will for me and who are ready and able to lovingly call me out if I stray too far from the Light absolutely blows me away. Fear, yes, but relief, too. And joy.

Way? No way.

2011-04-15T08:27:00.006-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about how I say "God will put me where I need to be" and what I mean by that. I don't believe God creates tragedy but rather that God is in our responses to hardship. If God shook the Earth to cause earthquakes and tsunamis the implication would be that God is an arbitrary, wrathful god, which I don't believe. Disconnect. God is directly and intimately involved in my own personal life, leading me, (as Quakers say) opening way for me. All those people in Haiti who are still living in tents with little food or clean water? God is not responsible for the cataclysm that created their suffering but in their response to it? Huh? God loves me. I am given the resources to be free to pursue my higher calling. The people in Haiti spend their time avoiding assault while trying to not starve or die of dysentery. Are they not equal to me? Does God not love them? I think the problem is in my reasoning that God is directly and immediately involved in my life. I think I'm coming to understand that while God can and has "spoken" to me and gives me leadings, I'm not at all sure about the whole "way opening" thing. Does God open anything for us or do we make choices and connections and seek guidance and support in such a way as to create openings? Does it matter? Right now, to me, I think it does. If God is directly involved in our lives, why is he not directly involved opening the way to end suffering and oppression? Jesus said "the poor will always be with you" which suggests there will always be hunger, injustice, want. So how can I believe that God's paving the way for me but not for all those others. Might makes right? Survival of the fittest? I don't think so. Right now, I think I'm leaning toward the idea that I am able to connect with God, with the Christ-consciousness and doing so makes me want to move closer, to act Right, to deny my ego-impulses and to choose wisely: to reflect love. When I'm living in this way ("in the Cross" as old Quakers called it), I'm living in God and am more likely to put myself in situations in which the decisions I make reinforce my desire to reflect God's love.

Describing the Unknowable

2011-02-28T11:28:00.005-06:00

God does not equal "acts of nature".

God does not equal "the Church".

God does not equal "the Authority".

I can't tell you what God is but I'm sure that if your concept of God evokes fear not inspired by awe, guilt, a lot of sorrow or anger, I'm certain it's not really God you're thinking about. My guess is that if your understanding of God inspires any of the preceding emotions, you're dealing with familial, cultural and religious indoctrination rather than a direct experience of God. God is God and thus, unknowable and indescribable but my understanding is based on my experience with God and I can say that God may be many other things (or every other thing) but most of all God is Love.

What seems weird to me is how many of us completely reject all the "thou shall not" religious beliefs we were given but continue to accept the idea of God as "judge, jury and executioner" that went along with the religion. We reject the Old Testament harshness of religion as misguided at best but also manipulative and wrong and then, rather than examining those messages and trying to figure out what, if anything, is still meaningful to us, we spurn all of it. I don't think God should be blamed because some people use God's name as a way to control others. If you don't like the message you've been given, reject the message but then figure out for yourself what message would be OK with you. If God seems like an arbitrary, temperamental Zeus-like diety, spend some time thinking about if that really is God or if it's just an idea you've been given.

I find people who claim to be atheists based on their rejection of God as "The Authority of the Church" to be as deluded as people who are religious fundamentalists. Both seem to me to be immature and simplistic belief systems. If the choice was between God as The Authority or no God, I'd claim atheism, too. What this type of atheist doesn't get is that this is a false choice. I suspect there are as many ways of approaching and conceptualizing God as there are people so I think it's OK to deny the narrow and negative ideas as long as you don't get stuck there. Open your mind and your heart and try out some other ideas of what God may be for you.

I try to avoid projecting human emotion or motivations onto God. I don't believe that God punishes some and rewards others; I think things happen and God is to be found in how we respond. Yes, God created the world and set everything in motion in some metaphorical 7 days way. God is recorded as knowing when a sparrow dies but nowhere does it say God made the sparrow die at that moment. I reckon God must have created entropy but I don't think God uses catastrophe as a weapon against us. Things happen. Nature happens. We humans do things that cause harm. There is evil in the world. God allows it but I don't think God wills it. We find God in what we do with what we have. When bad things happen to us we can respond by becoming bitter or we can respond with love. God is in the love.

Varicose Vain (not a misspelling. no really--look it up)

2011-02-13T07:45:00.010-06:00

The divorce is moving forward and what I'm learning is that going through divorce has the potential to make one incredibly, amazingly vain. Naturally, when one separates one's life from the intertwinedness of having been married to another person, one must spend a great amount of time imagining, thinking about and planning for single life. One has the opportunity to rediscover one's preferences in everything from brands of soap to mattress firmness. Without compromise necessitated by the taste or desire of another, one can freely say, "I like this neighborhood. I want to paint my kitchen red. I would like a platform bed." and etc--within the bounds of finances and practicality, anyway.

I read huffingtonpost.com every day. There is a whole section on the site dedicated to divorce with articles about everything from whether to stay or to leave to finances to celebrity splits to how to get one's groove back post-marriage. There often are articles about plastic surgery as a way to appear younger or more like the age one actually feels rather than the age one's crows feet and eyelids say one is. Many of the articles I simply ignore--they seem to be written to appeal to our most base urges. A few of the articles are informative and helpful with information about co-parenting, budgeting or practical suggestions for moving into a new home (best advice so far: Don't go to Ikea post-divorce alone. Take a friend to provide moral support and physical help as you wander the isles among all the happy young couples). Some articles start out good but then throw in some piece of information about common modern dating worries that make my head spin. Sure, after a two decade marriage, most people feel somewhat insecure about the idea of navigating the world as a single person but I'm utterly dumbfounded at the amount of energy that seems to go into how women should groom their lady parts.

Dang. Like I didn't have enough to think about without having to add personal deforestation to my to-do list. (I know I just crossed the line into TMI. Sorry.)

Which leads me back to vanity. I'm not quite divorced but circumstances are conspiring to make me have to think about dating. I wasn't planning on thinking about dating at all for a long time. I was married for 20 years. Hammy and I are not splitting up because we were bored with one another or because we perceived the grass to be greener elsewhere. No mid-life crises here. I was imagining that I'd take a good long time to figure out who I am, get my new life in place, hang out with friends, learn about things and just chill for a while before I started thinking about becoming romantically and/or sexually involved with anyone new. I'm 45 years old and I look 45 years old even if I don't necessarily act 45 years old. Before kids I was kinda cute and sorta nicely built. Now, I look like what I am. In a lot of situations, I've become invisible, as women do in middle age, so I haven't much thought of myself as sexually available nor desirable to anyone but my dear soon-to-be ex in a long, long time.

So it is with much surprise that I find myself the confused, flattered and dazed subject of the romantic attention of two treasured friends. The first one is an old friend who was, thankfully, very direct with me and with whom I could be equally direct in my assertion that I value our friendship in its current state and do not want it to change. The other friend's actions were subtle enough, or perhaps it is more the fact that I am naive, that it has taken me a while to figure out that what he seems to want from our time together is more intense than what I want or am ready for. The thing that made me really realize is reflecting on my behavior during the dinner we had together a few nights ago. The most accurate word I can use about my behavior is that I chattered. He would ask me a question about my life and I would go on and on and on (and on and on and on) and he would politely listen. The fact that he never yawned is the thing that, in retrospect, lighted the bulb. How could he not have been bored by my self-absorbed me, me, me! talk? And why did he mention my freckles? Hmmm...

See, this is all so flattering to my ego but by-golly, the last thing I need is for my ego to be flattered when it's pretty darned puffy already. And this is exactly why I'm not ready to begin thinking about dating, yet. I need to discover God as my center in my new life. I need to find balance between who I am as a single person and a mother and friend and how I reflect God in all those roles. Once I feel I know kinda who I am, and feel sorta secure, maybe then I'll be ready to think about becoming romantically involved with others.

This is all complicated by the fact that I'm ovulating right now and so my libido is doing everything it can to convince me that a sexual partner is just what I need. Thankfully at Quaker meeting today, I was given the insight to clearly see just how far from ready I am from becoming involved with anyone.

Integrated Self

2011-01-16T08:50:00.007-06:00

My nature is open and trusting. As those of you who read my blog know, I don't filter much. Sure, there are some things that would be inappropriate to display for public viewing, particularly things concerning my family but when it comes to me and my thoughts, ideas, experiences and feelings, I'm pretty much an open book. I've always been this way. I've never been able to keep parts of myself hidden away from others. I had a job a couple of years ago which forced me to compartmentalize my feelings and doing so caused me to fall into a mild depression. This is who I am, warts, talents, goofiness and all and I've never been good at knowing how to disclose different parts of myself to different people.

Being open caused me no end of pain when I was a child and young teen. Land sakes, I can't remember the number of times I was hurt after telling a friend or group of friends something about myself only to have it turned around and used against me in the way schoolchildren often do. All those unspoken rules of girls, I was completely oblivious to. I learned slowly, painful lesson after painful lesson, to keep myself back, to not reveal my true self: sometime to dissemble or even lie. Doing so was not natural to me but like an albino squirrel, I needed camouflage if I was going to survive in the world.

My relationships with girls and women for years were heavily informed by this need to mistrust their intentions and keep myself protected and safe. On the other hand, my relationships with boys/men seemed safer. To begin with, most boys do not learn the same social dynamics girls do as children so do not gather information about others which they can then use as a tool. Also, I felt much more powerful in my relationships with men. I was attractive and flirtatious, feminine in a very not-normal way and was a minor music nerd so could hold my own in conversations in a way few other women could (or wanted to) do. I held sexual power in my relationships with men. I didn't use that power to hurt anyone or to manipulate or deceive but using it at all was certainly not honest nor straight. Milan Kundera, in The Unbearable Lightness of Being said, "Flirting is a promise of sexual intercourse without a guarantee". I used to make promises all over the place but rarely ever fulfilled them. I wanted to know that I could have the interest of any man I found interesting and found it fun to stimulate that interest.

That is, until I committed to being with Hammy. All of a sudden, flirting didn't seem ok. When Hammy and I became monogamously tied, flirting felt disloyal and wrong. Shortly thereafter I become a mother which changed my perspective about pretty much everything.

When I became a mother I automatically entered an exclusive club with other women. And the fact of having chosen a homebirth made the club even more exclusive. I found myself having a great deal in common with other women; women who were sincere in their approaches to life and impassioned by their choices. I found myself accepted and approved of by these women.

I'd been a spiritual seeker through much of my young adult life and wended my way to Friends meeting and so to discovering an awareness of Spirit, and to a slow rediscovery of my Original Face. What I found in myself was my own true self. I re-learned to be my own self in all my relationships and interactions with others. I slowly identified that I sometimes acted in ways which did not seem fully true in my dealings with different people and so learned to let go of the expectations and desired outcomes for those interactions. I allowed God to lead me so my life became integrated and my interactions with others became undergirded by Christ-informed integrity. I try to be aware that my first relationship is with God and so I should reflect that in all my other relationships.

I'm visiting this concept because my life is changing and I-in-relation-to-others am changing. I will no longer be a woman who is part of a committed romantic partnership but will be a woman who is independent and romantically unattached. At this point, I feel quite liberated to be able to put my energies into my friendships and my relationships with my children, family and existing communities, to my physical well-being and of course, to my awareness of God in my life through prayer, writing, music, nature. I will be discovering many new ways of being in the world as I allow my new life to unfold. I think it could be easy to fall back into the comfort of feeling empowered by the attention I used to be able to generate when I flirted with smart, funny nerdy men. Flirting, right now, would not be honest or true though, and certainly not a positive reflection of God.

If I paint the lashes dark
And the eyes more bright
And your lips more scarlet
Ask if it'll all be right
And it's mirror after mirror
No vanities displayed
You're just looking for the face you had
Before the world was made
-Van Morrison "Before the World Was Made"

How I Know God

2011-01-08T07:24:00.013-06:00

How do I know God is real? All I am able to do is share my experience with you. Being aware of God is, for me, like falling inward into Oneness with everything. When I am aware of God, I feel the boundary between me and the world less acutely so the my edges are softened and I sense God as Energy innervating everything. When I am aware of God, I become aware of how I reflect God, of how I embody Christ's love for us. I have had the experience of God as a physical sense, once as a voice, occasionally as a physical sensation but mostly I experience God as the Divine Love that is the foundation of everything.

When I am living in accord with God's will for me there is flow. Van Morrison, in the song Astral Weeks, sings:

If I ventured in the slipstream,
Between the viaducts of your dream,
Where immobile steel rims crack,
And the ditch in the back roads stop.
Could you find me?
Would you kiss-a my eyes?
To lay me down
In silence easy
To be born again
To be born again

The slipstream. When I am living God's will for me, I am living in the slipstream. Christ is there and Energy flows and I find harmony in my life.

When I am living in God, the sum is much greater than the individual parts. Connections happen that create joy and sometimes trepidation. I am not talking coincidence. When I have been faithful to God and aware, there is a rightness. God puts me in the places I am meant to be, meeting the people I am supposed to meet so I can do the work I have been prepared to do. It's easy for me to get caught up in the rightness of these encounters and get all ego-puffy which, of course, misses entirely the whole flow which causes me, like Icarus, like Lucifer, to fall (and the Chihuahua to run wild). Humility has never been my gift. But when I stay true to the Call, there is a sureness, a rightness that I am doing God's work, that I am reflecting Christ's love.

There have been a couple of times when I was being prepared to be Called. I've written about the agitation of this, the awareness of being between, unfinished, not fully formed. In a way, this time of liminality is the true test. Can I live in the unknown without finding my own way to fill the void? How do I allow the mystery, the unknown? What do I do to prepare? Do I turn to God? Do I seek guidance from seasoned friends? Do I allow myself to be formed? When I turn to God through prayer, writing, reading and seeking, I am allowing myself to be shaped and directed, even when I am clueless to the actual direction. In the midst of wandering, I may be gently, or not so gently, encouraged toward something--a door opens and I walk through . That something may seem incidental at first but over time takes on increasing importance until I see, sometimes in hindsight, that it was part of the plan for me, maybe even the purpose of the process. Everything else falls into good order and the agitation is replaced with a sense of rightness, sometimes of peace, sometimes of mission.

I am not experiencing the agitation right now or the Call to search and reach out and stretch. God is encouraging me to sink down, to deepen, to follow my roots and connect with the Foundation. I have never been called in this way but I am clear that I am to wait and rest and turn my fear of the unknown over to God. I don't believe that this means I am to be ir-responsible or un-prepared; on the contrary, I think the sinking and deepening and resting are the preparation. To what, I do not know.

A Field of Onions?

2011-01-07T08:38:00.005-06:00

I'm a big fan of the idea of letting go of ego attachments and whatever comes between one's Original Face and God's will. When friends have had emotional crisis and loss in their lives, I've counseled them to view the experience from the perspective of opportunity to listen for the Still, Small Voice Within to find what is True for them. Especially in times of transition and crisis, it is natural to want to rely on what is comfortable and comforting and so we sometimes will revert to actions and behaviors that once worked to help us maintain equilibrium but sometimes the transition is so great that we are forced to move beyond re-action into new ways of acting and being. I've always thought one should welcome the opportunity to basically start afresh. I've likened it to peeling the ego layers of the onion.

I am the one being stripped of much of what I've taken for granted for the past couple of decades. I don't find myself reverting to past ways of acting but I do have a powerful urge to escape in some way; these are some fleeting impulses I've had: Red, red wine, Hop on the Bus, Gus, or a nice padded room somewhere with or without a dose of lobotomy. Thankfully, I don't care much for alcohol, love my kids too much to abandon them and, well, I will no longer have health insurance and padded rooms don't pay for themselves. I'm death to plants so this metaphor seems a bit of a stretch for me but I know what I need is to think of myself as a field which has been plowed and is sitting fallow, gathering energy by being still. I'd been thinking of layers of onion/ego metaphor but to take it to a logical conclusion begs the question: Do I want to understand my Original Face as being the heart of an onion? Uh, no. I'll go with the idea of a field waiting for the Farmer (you know...God).

2011: A Prayer for Releasing Fear and Accepting the Unknown

2010-12-31T09:58:00.007-06:00

2010 ends tonight and with it ends much of what is familiar to me. 2011 brings many more questions than answers.

I can look at this either as if I’m losing security or as if I’m releasing things that no longer fit to make room for growth and change. Although I do have some fear, I’m working to accept the unknown and live in the mystery until I am guided to the place I am supposed to be.

Letting go:

*My marriage
+Bickering
-Affection
+Compromise
-Kissing
-Companionship
+Failed expectations
+/-Identity

*The employment I’ve done for 8 years
+The stress of always being under a quota
+The stress of sometimes working for people who are ineffectual bosses
+The stress of going into the field and knocking on doors not knowing if it will be opened by the Lady or the Tiger
+!Strange dogs
+The unreliability of the work
-The pride I feel working for a respected university
-The pride I feel to have this job with only a high school diploma. This job validates my intelligence and forces people to question their assumptions about people who haven't had the luxury of higher education.
-The really good hourly rate I am paid
-The flexibility of the schedule

*The house I’ve lived in for 10 years

*My status as a married person
-For what it’s worth, some people’s attitudes toward me will change—some for the better and some for the worse.

*The security of having a spouse with a good, steady job
-Health insurance
-I was able to be more selective in accepting work because I had the luxury of my spouse’s reliable income.

I am the one moving out of our home. And yet I will be unemployed within the next couple of weeks. I have no idea how this will unfold. I trust.

I desire a life of submission to God’s will. I will actively do what I know will increase my awareness of God in my life, writing, prayer, fellowship, community. I will try to be open to new leadings and new directions. Not my will but Thine.

I would like to live a frugal life, relatively financially independent. I don’t want to think about retirement but about what kind of impact I am making on the world right now. I would like a low-stress job which would allow me the time to write and build community. Or, I would like to create a business that I can do from home such as owning an apartment building or running a hostel. Or, I’d like to find my own “right livelihood”. I trust Spirit to guide me.

Anyone who knows me or reads my blog knows I want to be automobile independent. In Nashville, with children in school and with a job, I don’t think this is possible. I would like to build into my new life as much freedom from auto-dependence as possible. I may still need to own a car but I would like to walk, (learn to) bike and ride buses whenever possible. I trust Spirit to lead me.

I would like an open house, that is, a house which is open and warm and inviting. I want to offer hospitality and to welcome people with food and generosity. (I’d really like a country kitchen, good for baking bread.) I would like my home to be a gathering place for my friends and my communities and my children’s friends. I trust Spirit to use me.

I would like to have greater compassion coupled with a more effective ability to act. I want to be a member of the Body of Christ on Earth, doing God’s work. I trust Spirit to teach me.

I know the more fearful I am, the more I pull inward and dread the unknown, the less I am able to hear God’s Call. Slowly, slowly, sometimes just cracks at a time, I’m revealing myself, releasing the fear and laying myself open for God. I’m not a patient woman, when I know that change is inevitable, I want it to be done and I’ve a tendency to force it--usually toward the outcome my ego most wants. I could easily do that now. I could apply for any and all jobs (which I started to do last month) and accept the first one offered to me. I could settle for renting whatever house or apartment I can afford for me and my children. I could compromise my values again in order to have stability, health insurance and security. But I’m pretty sure God doesn’t want me to do that right now. Maybe later I will find that taking a job with a corporation or a fast food restaurant or another research firm is where it seems God is leading me but for now I think I’m supposed to rest in the unknown. I think right now is a time of releasing fear and accepting that everything--EVERYthing--is beyond my control.

I give over this fear and trust God to transform it.
I accept the mystery and trust God to keep me.
I open myself, vulnerable and flawed, and trust God to strengthen, guide and use me.

A Reflection on the End of a Marriage

2010-12-12T14:46:00.004-06:00

How does one write about the end of a marriage? I can say we’ve been avoiding the end since before the beginning. We fought entropy for a very long time and, finally, we’ve run out of energy and have stopped fighting. In our time together we’ve experienced a lot of good, anger, grief, joy, beauty, many frustrations and scarce contentment. We’ve compromised, given in, conceded and worked and we always wind up back here. 20 years of circling round and winding up here. There’s no right or wrong, no good versus bad, no victor nor victim, just two flawed people who can rarely find a way to take comfort in the security of one another. We’ve never, in our 20 years, learned to rely on one another or to be truly faithful to us: That back door marked “Exit” has always stood open, brightly lit and available. We’ve stood on that threshold for so long we finally found ourselves stumbling through.

I keep thinking about that Dave Mason song:

So let’s leave it alone ‘cause we can’t see eye-to-eye.
There aint no good guy, there ain’t no bad guy.
There’s only you and me and we just disagree.

Yup.

We’re not sure how to go about this reinvention of everything familiar. It would be so much easier if there were some compelling reason—some wrong, some event: an unforgivable hurt—but there’s not; there are only a lifetime of small omissions, thoughtless actions and regrettable words which add to up to this desolation of unity. I think we are both weary of feeling alone together. I’m exhausted by not being able to trust the good feelings to last very long. When things are good, when we are able to turn to one another and relax and find comfort and pleasure in one another, it has so many times felt hopeful, like a new beginning. But one can only believe in the same beginning so many times before one stops trusting in the hope—which, of course, is hopelessness.

After years of discussions, tears, prayer, support from my spiritual community and trying, trying, we’re laying this romantic partnership down and placing our positive energy into our parenting partnership and our friendship. We work well together as parents and we actually, in spite of everything, like one another as people. Those aspects of our relationship have often been overshadowed while the more dramatic and negative dynamics absorbed our attention. We’re letting go the drama so we may define our individual selves apart from the bound-ness of marriage. When individual equilibrium occurs, we anticipate being able to bring what is good and strong and pleasant to our myriad remaining ties.

We are a work in progress. We’re working together to discover who we are apart. It sounds strange and very different but we’ve never shied away from defining things our own way rather than forcing ourselves into the roles given us by society. Normal is being estranged from one’s ex. But who says we must? We still admire the things that drew us together in the beginning. Yes, there are many reasons that we can’t live together but that doesn’t mean that we can’t LIKE one another. And so we are slowly learning who we are as individuals and as former spouses forging a new way of relating with one another and with the world.

Ignorance is Bliss: My Retirement versus Theoretical Suffering

2010-11-22T06:41:00.008-06:00

This was the query shared at meeting for worship yesterday:

How do we attend to the suffering of others in our local community, in our state and nation, and in the world community? Do we try to understand the causes of suffering and do we address them as a Meeting?
-Pacific Yearly Meeting Faith and Practice

One friend arose to speak about John Woolman and how his witness against the evil of slavery began as a private concern but matured and grew with the spiritual and practical support of his yearly meeting.

I think about our modern life and how little most of us are touched by the institutionalized suffering of others. In the days of slavery, I imagine one could not avoid being aware of the keeping of other human beings as chattel. Nowadays, our lives are comfortable and we are quite well insulated from the variety of human suffering equal to slavery. We are all exposed to news articles about human trafficking, for instance, but our lives seem to be far removed from the prostitution rings we hear about. I would say that unless we work in public schools, medical clinics or as social workers, we probably are not exposed to hunger or abuse. And hunger and abuse can be viewed as singular problems, one child, one family-individual problems with individual solutions: make a phone call to Second Harvest or Children's Services and we've done our duty.

We all hear about the terrible atrocities that occur in third world countries. We know about genocides and wars, famine, disaster and disease. Those things are real but at such a remove that we don't, and really, can't feel any immediacy about how those things are connected to our world. If we do feel a tug at our hearts, we make a donation to Doctors Without Borders or the Red Cross and feel (mostly) absolved of responsibility.

I wonder how many of us have a 401k or other retirement program? The overwhelming majority, I would guess. It is utterly unheard of for middle class Americans to not have a retirement savings plan. Retirement, for healthy middle class people, is the opportunity to quit work and still have sufficient financial resources to allow us to do all the things we currently aren't able to do because we spend all our time working. Retirement is the time when we can be who we want to be and live the way we want to live: The kids are grown, the house is paid for and we can travel and garden and golf. Because we earned it. Because we were smart and planned ahead and invested wisely.

But what does that mean, "invested wisely"? We work at jobs that provide for us a 401k or other retirement plan or, if needed, we set up a Roth IRA. We make contributions to our plans and, if we're lucky, we become vested and the company we work for matches our contributions. We may or may not have the ability to specify how the money in our accounts are invested--all in stocks, all in bonds or split between these. We do a little research, make the "wise" decision and feel very good about our future (until the stock market takes a hit and we feel very insecure because we "lost" some amount of what we thought we had).

But:
What happens to that money? It's invested. Invested? In what? Where? How? How many of us with retirement investments have a clue where our money goes? Not many, I'd wager. Yes, we may be given the opportunity to choose the types of investments but how many people are given the option of choosing the actual companies invested in? So how is our money distributed? To what corporations? What do they do with the money? We have no idea. The money could be invested in a mom & pop start-up, it could be funding the continuing expansion of an internet behemoth or it could be adding to the power of a corrupt global corporation. I would never support a multi-national corporation to purchase water rights in impoverished countries nor do I encourage deforestation or child slavery: But possibly I have with money I have invested.

We'd like to think our money is going out into the world to help create positive action but I truly doubt it. I imagine our money is being used to grow, grow, grow wealth, whatever the cost. Which, if we're really honest with ourselves, is exactly what we want it to do. We want our money to grow our personal wealth so we may retire in comfort.

Am I being too harsh? Naive? We're just doing what everyone does. We're not actively trying to hurt anyone. Surely our retirement investments must be doing good work or our investment firms wouldn't put our money in them. I mean, I know there's a lot of corruption in the world but I can trust the investment firm my company works with, can't I? As long as our intentions are good, that's all that matters, right?

I think of John Woolman. He did not own slaves but benefited indirectly from slavery by the positive impact slavery had on the economy through lower costs for goods. As he became convicted, he found that he could no longer participate even peripherally. From woolmancentral.com:

John refused to write wills, bills of sale, or any other document that perpetuated slavery. He boycotted slave products, willing to appear foolish in the eyes of others. And he capitalized on every opportunity to explain why he did not use the cotton, silver, rum, sugar or dyed clothing that others found acceptable. It wasn't easy for John to appear "singular". He would have preferred not to. But he understood that actions spoke where words would not, and that actions faithful to God's leadings have a power to persuade.

I wonder what John Woolman would think of the modern economic situation in which we feel absolved of responsibility for the impact our money has on the world due to our complete disconnect from it. Much of our wealth is intangible and unreal. We never see it except symbolically in charts and projections and so feel no connection to it nor culpability for the harm it may cause other people and the Earth.

I offer no suggestions but am resting with these questions.

(These Boots Are Made For) Prayin' and Playin'

2010-08-07T07:12:00.008-06:00

A friend went through a spiritual depression a while ago: She described it as dark night of the soul. She said she would try to pray but that it was like she was locked in a lead-lined room so nothing got out and nothing got in.

Although I relate to what she went through, that's not where I am right now. I just feel completely untethered. I feel like when I pray, I'm in outer-space so that my words dissipate immediately...like there's no atmosphere to hold them. Last week at Friends Meeting, the Chihuahua wasn't at the door yapping because she had escaped and was running wildly about the neighborhood. (When Nashville Friends Meeting was at our old location on Acklen, one of the neighbors had a Whippet that would sometimes escape. Trying to catch that dog was like trying to pick up quicksilver with your fingers. That's what the Chihuahua in my head has been like.)

I'm on the cusp of re-creating my life with the rare opportunity to fully align the way I live with my values so my life can be integrated and SPICE-y. So strangely, I find myself completely ungrounded with my thoughts on about everything but God. Wanna talk shoes? because the Chihuahua does! Music! Books (fiction only)! Just about anything but God. Why is this? Is it spiritual cold feet? I don't feel afraid or reticent of commitment. No, I just feel utterly distracted--and not by work, for once.

Thinking this through, what I'm coming up with is that there is so much really heavy stuff going on in my life that I'm needing lightness and distraction. I've made God feel heavy by putting so much weight, so much emphasis on God's Right Place In My Life that I think perhaps I've made God feel like a burden. I think I need to find God in the fun, in music and art and time with friends. Not in a weighty, "we gather together today to..." kind of thing but in a "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy" kind of way.

Maybe even in shoes? Maybe even in these really awesome Fluevog boots:

(Didn't George Fox say sometime along the lines of "Wear your scooter-riding boots as long as you can"? Well...)

I need a little more fun. I need to get off my Serious God kick and spend some time getting a kick outta God.

My Prayer for Today

2010-07-29T06:47:00.003-06:00

Please help me be aware of your Presence. Help me quiet the noise and energy in my head so I may be guided where you will lead me. I know you are there but I'm all over the place here and need your help in finding my way right now. I'm facing many decisions each of which have several options and I am feeling overwhelmed and confused. Help me remain aware of all I must and please give me some wisdom so I may make decisions that support the needs of each. And please help me create enough quiet space in myself in which to know you.

Road Trip with the D

2010-07-23T06:23:00.004-06:00

My oldest son, Declan, and I are leaving this afternoon to drive to South Carolina to pick my nephews Niall and Liam up for a visit. I'm really excited to spend time with these wonderful young men--I love them dearly. I haven't seen Niall in several years and only get to spend, at best, a couple of weeks with Liam each year.

I'm a little apprehensive about the trip. As much as I love Declan, we, um to put it nicely, we see the world through different lenses. He's on his way but has not fully differentiated from me and so still needs to push much harder than I feel would be necessary or is comfortable for either of us. I fully understand why (I'm the strong willed daughter of a strong willed mother) and have pretty clear perspective, even as it's happening but that doesn't change the potential for this to be a very long car trip. The added challenge is that Declan has had no interest in driving but I basically drove him to the DMV this week and had him get his learners permit so he could get practice while on this trip. He's not particularly happy about this. I'm not saying he will have to begin driving around town all the time. I fully support him being a bike rider the rest of his life! I do think it's important to know HOW to drive. The more options a person has, the better, I think.

He and I went to the library and got some books on CD to listen to: David Sedaris will save our sanity! (would it be sanities?)

I Forgot That Love Existed

2010-07-22T11:47:00.002-06:00

This song arose in my mind as I was talking with my dear friend Lisa today.

Many thanks to Van Morrison for his wisdom.

I forgot that love existed troubled in my mind.
Heartache after heartache, worried all the time.
I forgot that love existed
Then I saw the light
Everyone around me make everything alright.

Oh, oh socrates and plato they
Praised it to the skies.
Anyone whos ever loved
Everyone whos ever tried.

If my heart could do my thinking
And my head begin to feel
I would look upon the world anew
And know whats truly real.

What if?

2010-07-20T19:22:00.003-06:00

If you knew for a fact that an action of yours would have a direct, immediate and profoundly negative effect on your next door neighbor, a beloved friend or family member, would you do everything you could to change your behavior?
What if it were someone who lived down the street but for whom you had no strong feelings?
What if the connection between your action and the harm was less immediate, less direct but still connected?
What if the action harmed, not a neighbor but someone you would never meet, a person in another place, another town or another country?
What if it wouldn't hurt someone alive now but would harm people in the future, possibly your children or your children's children?
What if there was no way to measure the impact of your actions to gauge the harm?
What if everybody did it and you were just one of many?

Maxie & Me

2010-07-20T14:30:00.005-06:00

I’ve become aware of teeth--mine and everybody else’s. I’ve got a crooked tooth, specifically my second from the front, the Latin name of which is the Maxillary Lateral Incisor—let us call her Maxie. Maxie overlaps the front tooth next to it a little. Two moments stand out in my memory about Maxie:

1) When I was 12 and at that age when one is as self-aware as one can be, I’d spent a lifetime looking in the mirror trying to figure out who I was but I’d never paid much attention to Maxie until my dear Grandma (with the best of intentions, I’m quite sure) said: “That tooth gives you character”. Tooth? Crooked tooth!
2) My oldest son at 6, completely apropos of nothing, leaned toward me, poked Maxie with his skinny finger and said, “That tooth makes me sick.” Huh?

These incidences aside, I’ve never been too bothered by Maxie. I guess I internalized Grandma’s message because I do think a natural smile provides a face with character. For this reason, I’ve never considered installing cosmetic orthodontic devices to my children’s teeth. My youngest has a pretty significant gap between his two front teeth but fixing it would be for looks only—it’s not serious enough to cause him problems so the gap and his Alfred E. Newman smile remain.

But lately, I’ve been thinking of my teeth as I notice other people’s teeth. I drink a lot of tea and my teeth are not as white as they once were. It seems that everybody in my world has sparkling white, perfectly formed and uniformly situated teeth and mine, in comparison, look rather dingy and crooked. When I think about this with perspective, I know that my teeth look exactly as a 45 year old woman’s teeth should look. Historically and globally, my teeth are in fantastic shape. I may have a lot of silver in my mouth but I’ve got all my originals and can eat and drink with no pain or trouble. I know I’m amazingly lucky to have been born during a time of fluoride, toothbrushes and dentistry (as opposed to barber-dentists…shudder). But I look at all the really stunning smiles on all the people around me and I think I should maybe do some cosmetic whitening or something to look “better”.

And then, I’ll be downtown or in some public place and I’ll notice the working class and economically challenged folks who have not had the same access to sometimes even rudimentary dental care, and for sure not orthodonture and I see that this is where the true social divide is most acutely evidenced.

Them that’s got, have 32 pearly ones. Them that’s not, usually don’t.

I was listening to a 2009 Terry Gross interview with Tom Ford, the director of “A Single Man” recently. He is a fashion designer who has studied the human body extensively. He was talking about our society being “post-human” because we no longer know what a real human body looks like. All the women held up to us as our ideals are made of artificial parts, something added, another thing taken away. We don’t know what natural is anymore. This is really obvious when it comes to breast enlargement and liposuction and such cosmetic “enhancement” but extends to botox and waxing and on and on.

Which brings me back to teeth. I think most of the people I know find breast enlargement to be unnecessary and possible offensive. Not many people in my world would have a tummy tuck or other cosmetic surgery to look younger. But how many people in my world have had cosmetic dentistry done? How many have whitened their teeth? Is this not one, seemingly benign, end of the same spectrum?
I guess the question for me is: How much of this is bearing false witness? How much of this is representing oneself to be something other than what one is? I’m not sure. There are certainly things about my physical self that I’m not crazy about but then I remind myself that I’m 45 years old and have birthed three babies (not to mention that I’ve had a pretty sedentary life for the past couple of years). If I were to bleach my teeth, am I putting forward a false self? If I wear a push-up bra? If I color my hair cherry, not to cover the grey but just for fun? In some ways this comes back to the Simplicity Testimony and also Integrity. Why would I be doing these things? What intention to I bring to each decision? Is it to deceive people? Is it to look better? What does better mean? Better to whom? Better according to what standards? With the exception of the teeth bleaching, most of what I do in regards to my appearance is to have playful fun. For me, clothing and hairstyles and jewelry and such are one of two things: Either utilitarian—meaning I must cover myself with something so I wear whatever is most practical for the situation or I’m playing dress-up. I play with clothing and play with the world through clothing and hair. It may be completely frivolous but I don’t do it to mislead or present a false impression. Even, or possibly even especially, wearing a push-up bra would be part of a costume worn for fun—a prop, if you will (ha!)--not to give an impression of me as younger and less gravitationally-challenged than I am but simply to fit in the “mood” of whatever I’m wearing.

In summary, no teeth bleaching for me and no cosmetic procedures. Fun with clothing, I guess is, in Quaker parlance, “carrying my sword as long as I can”. In other words, until I am given a message that I need to let it go, I will continue to dress in a decidedly un-Quaker-grey way. I’m fine with that and I don’t get the impression that God minds too much right now, either.

Spirit of the Living God

2010-07-19T06:45:00.003-06:00

I've had the song "Spirit of the Living God" with me for a couple of days. I've tried to find a music clip of the song that works but they're all way to church-y and blah and/or overblown and organ-ized. I'm posting the lyrics and you'll have to use your imagination (or call Christina and have her sing for you!)

Spirit of the living God,
fall afresh on me;
Spirit of the living God,
fall afresh on me.
Break me, melt me, mould me, fill me.
Spirit of
the living God,
fall afresh on me.

Blog Eldering Support Committee

2010-07-18T15:58:00.001-06:00

I’ve been thinking of this blog as a ministry for a while. As I’ve said, writing is my spiritual discipline and posting it to a public forum keeps me honest and true to my center—I’m not writing for the beauty or the flow or because I love words; I write this to help me seek clarity about where Spirit dwells in my life and how I am being called to live. And sure, if you look back through my blog, you’ll find puh-lenty of posts which are all about me, me, ME, but mostly, I’ve tried to keep my awareness of and focus on God in my life. Because I do feel this has developed into a ministry, I asked NFM Ministry & Council for a blog eldering committee. They responded positively and now I have an on-going support committee that NEVER NEEDS TO MEET IN PERSON!!! (No scheduling conflicts! No struggling with how to fit it into our schedules!) What I’ve requested is for a couple of people to commit to reading friendlymama on a regular basis and make occasional comments when they feel led to do so. Judy offered to clerk and she, Kit and Polly are my support committee. We’re creating a new entity so we’re not exactly sure how it will unfold but I’m glad and grateful for the loving support.

Testimonies

2010-07-16T17:38:00.002-06:00

In a couple of recent posts, I mentioned Quaker Testimonies and it occurs to me that many people may not really know what I mean by that. Quakers don’t have a creed or dogma, we don’t adhere to a statement-of-faith. In many ways, Liberal Friends particularly, are a very individualistically oriented group of people. We don’t have rules and are very accepting that wherever a person is in his or her spiritual journey is alright. Instead, we have Testimonies and use Queries.

The Testimonies as understood by contemporary Friends are: Simplicity, Peace, Integrity, Community and Equality. These words are not defined by Friends for Friends in any way, or, if they are, there is no requirement that we all agree with the definition. They are open to whatever understanding individual Friends have at wherever they are on their spiritual path. They are used as a center around which we “gather” to begin our understanding of what it means to be Liberal Friends today.

From the Friends General Conference website:

Quakers generally recognize five central testimonies:
simplicity, integrity, equality, community and peace. The testimonies are not rules, but ways of living in the world. For example, Quakers seek to avoid violence on both the personal and the societal level, and believe that the
Spirit that takes away the need for war is available to everyone, everywhere, in all situations.

I see the Testimonies as a way for us to focus on or begin to define who we are. A lot of people have problems with the lack of any real religious identity inherent in the Testimonies. Most of us incorporate Spirit or God or The Divine in our interpretations of the Testimonies but doing so is, by no means, universal.

A lot of people are drawn to Religious Society of Friends via the Peace and Equality testimonies. It was the Quaker history of engagement with social justice movements that first spoke to me. I’d been studying feminist history and the time period during which the women’s suffrage movement overlapped with the abolition movement and was blown away by how many folks of the front-line folks were or had been raised Quaker. And as I moved forward in history, it still seemed like Quakers were disproportionately represented during times of peaceful social revolution and growth. Having been raised Baptist—a church, ahem, not known for progressive action on social justice--I wanted to learn more about this religion that has, since it’s inception, espoused the belief that all people are equal.

So, a lot of people are called in by our history of activity but once they get settled in and find it a spiritually safe and nurturing environment, discover the Spirit that undergirds everything. As my dear Friendbrother, Geoffrey, said, “Come for the Peace. Stay for the Integrity”. I love it! We won’t tell you what to believe but we’ll offer our own lives as gentle guides and will support you by trying to stay true to our Guid. And we’ll use the Testimonies as a kind of meetingpoint for our unity.

Hmmm…does that make sense at all? It may be the kind of thing you have to live and experience to really understand—especially if you were raised in a “letter of the law” kind of religious environment in which everything is delineated, defined and ordered. I guess there was a time in Quaker history in which folks were “read out” of their meetings for indulging in such frivolous activities as wearing colored ribbons, hanging art on their walls or (the horror!) having a piano. We are a long, long, long way from that. The modern Quakers I know would sooner cut off a limb than tell another Quaker how to live or what to do with her time outside of meeting for worship. So much are we distant from one another that some of us feel a real longing to know one another more intimately and form a deeper understanding and awareness of how Spirit is actually moving daily in our lives. Which directly reflects our Testimony of Community. Which is a post for another time. Or, no: Has already been a post.

How Rich ARE You?

2010-07-16T08:24:00.003-06:00

This is a really interesting exercise which helps put things into perspective. With great privilege comes great responsibility.

(I'm currently the 429,712,644th richest person in the world which is in the top 7.16% but preparing to drop to the 734,285,822nd richest which is still in the top 12.33%. Amazing what we take for granted.)

T'hellwithit

2010-07-10T17:40:00.004-06:00

I saw this on a church marquee today. Sheesh. That's what institutionalized religion seems to me to be about--scaring the hell into you so they can then lead you to "salvation" from the fears they instilled. Pretty effective system, I'd say.
I wish Jesus would be used as the actual spokesperson for Christianity. HellO? "The kingdom of God is within you"? "Love your neighbor as yourself"? Jesus didn't go around preaching about going to hell--he spent his time talking with people, teaching and healing. He was building bridges and creating unity and community. I know why...but WHY do people feel the need to focus on hellsfireandbrimstone when the message of Jesus is so true and right?

Give Over Thine Own

2010-07-06T22:00:00.002-06:00

My thanks to Lynda for this Isaac Penington quotation; I am encouraged and affirmed by it.

Give over thine own willing, give over thine
own running, give over thine own desiring to
know or be anything, and sink down to the seed
which God sows in thy heart and let it be in thee,
and grow in thee, and breathe in thee, and act
in thee, and thou shalt find by sweet experience
that the Lord knows that and loves and owns that,
and will bring it to the inheritance of life, which
is his portion.

It brings to mind the Shaker hymn, I Am The True Vine, sung by Chris Moore and Mark Wingate of Kindling Stone.

The Gift of Spirit-centered Community

2010-07-05T18:36:00.004-06:00

A few days ago I requested a support committee of Ministry & Council and a couple of Quaker friends to help me find clarity about some of the decisions I am being guided to make. The affirmative response was almost immediate. We met this afternoon for 2 hours. I have never felt such positive, loving support as I experienced with these Friends. They held my concerns and questions and confusion in the Light and asked gentle and sometimes very pointed questions until I was able to clearly see a path beginning to emerge. And when the path seemed to abruptly end, I was not afraid but feel very comfortable with the not-knowing of what comes next. At the end, they encircled me and laid hands on me and we prayed silently and it felt exactly like the support I had when I was in labor, birthing my babies at home with my midwives and family around me. The patient willingness to be with me and not force an outcome but to wait as the process unfolded slowly.

There's a line in Joni Mitchell's song Lessons In Survival: "I came in as bright as a neon light and I burned out right there before him." I feel just like that only completely opposite. I feel like my light was burning but obscured and my dear, dear friends were able to help me lift the bushel. What a beautiful gift is Spirit-centered community.

Equality

2010-07-01T21:38:00.006-06:00

Another of the Quaker Testimonies is Equality. We all know what this means, right? We’re all equal: none are “higher” than others. Fits very nicely with the whole “one person, one vote” ethos upon which democracy is founded. In America, we don’t have social hierarchy like those countries formerly governed by monarchies and in Liberal Friends meetings, we don’t have hierarchy like those other institutionalized religions. Why, we don’t even have paid ministers! We’re sufficiently enlightened that we believe we’re ALL ministers, each with our own unique gift of ministry. We’re so into equality that we believe there is “that of God” in every person. We feel so strongly about equality that we go around espousing the belief that God is directly available to everyone.

Eh, right.

Yesterday, I was looking for a video clip of Quaker hip-hop artist Jon Watts to put on my facebook wall. There are, I don’t know, 10 videos of Jon performing before a number of different Quaker audiences and the thing that struck me was who comprises the audiences: Mostly middle aged, middle class looking white folk. Pictures in Quaker magazines and publications? Same thing. On-line Quaker presence? Same thing. Quaker organizations? Same thing.

I love unprogrammed meeting for worship. I love that transcendent, indescribable experience of being fully engaged in a gathered meeting for worship. I love the history of Friends, the activism, the obedient people who have responded when God has called them. I love how individual people struggle to live a God-centered life. What I don’t love is how we say we’re committed to equality but how our meetings for worship sure do not reflect it.

If we really believed that God is available to everybody, we’d have a diverse, dynamic body of worshippers. I love my fellow Friends but we’re neither diverse nor particularly dynamic. I’m 45 years old and I think it’s pretty weird how often I am the youngest person in a room with other Quakers. And I’m fairly certain I’m the only adult Friend in Nashville Friends Meeting without one or more university degrees.

Here’s what I think: If we really, really believed in equality, we’d welcome everyone with open arms just like Jesus did. I don’t think we do. I think we welcome folks who are like us because we’re comfortable with that. Poor people, working class people and those, like me, who have no formal education beyond high school may fit in but only if they pretty much dissociate from their cultural norms and embrace the social values we espouse. If ya wanna worship with the Quakahs ya gotta act like us first or you will not feel comfortable enough among us to get to know Spirit in the silence. God is available to you, but only after you’ve run the liberal Friends gauntlet to get to the Holy Presence.

When I’ve asked the question of why our meeting doesn’t have poor or working class people among our attenders I’ve gotten several variations on the theme of “they just don’t get it”. I’ve heard people say that uneducated people prefer to be told what to believe, that they wouldn’t understand with the implication being that it takes a certain level of intellectual awareness and curiosity to be able to make sense of freaking SILENT worship. Over and over again I’ve had dear friends express surprise at my lack of education because I fit in so well as if every working class person is somehow intellectually and socially inferior and I, somehow, am not.

Nashville Friends Meeting is my spiritual community and I love it dearly. I certainly do not mean to pick on NFM--mainly because I do not think our meeting is anomalous in our lack of socio-economic, racial or ethnic diversity. I’d say, given what I’ve seen and read, that we’re par for the Liberal Quaker course.

Wanna know what else I think? I think our meetings for worship are filled with people who are just like us because it’s safe. I think that we ultimately want our meetings to be safe and comfortable. Bring some people in from the wrong side of the tracks and who the hell knows what might happen? Oh my gosh—what if they spoke in tongues! What if they gave some OT messages (off topic and/or Old Testament)? What if…what if they expressed EMOTION during meeting for worship?!

I think that if we didn’t just call it meeting for worship but actually worshipped God, I mean really WORSHIPPED, like “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart” worshipped…like “Amazing Grace” kind of worshipped…if we, I don’t know, really called to God with our hearts and minds and beings, in the silence and out of the silence, maybe if we did that, we could learn to sincerely embrace every seeker, every stranger, every diverse person who comes through our door no matter their background or baggage or level of intellectual understanding of “Quaker process”. It seems to me that if we are pure in our desire to be the body of Christ on Earth, to serve God through each person we meet, we need to be showing it. To show it, though, I think we need to learn it, first.

I haven’t read many of the writings of the first generation of the Religious Society of Friends of Truth but it is my understanding that the early Friends, rockin’ their little house meetings for worship, welcomed everyone, haves and have nots alike. England was much more socially stratified than our society is now; serfdom had only been abolished for half a century when George Fox was born. Not only did the haves have but they also had almost complete life and death power over the nots. So, for haves to open the literal doors of their houses to everybody was an incredibly powerful witness to equality. I would say the gap in intellectual understanding would have been pretty great back then but it seems to have not stood in the way of the Light being available to all. We’re not The Religious Society of Friends of Gnosis: We are Friends of Truth--a Truth available to everyone. Our approach to God is not through esoteric knowledge gained or skills mastered but through silent waiting which can be done by anyone, anywhere (excepting, perhaps, those of us with Chihuahuas living in our heads). For us to think or assume or presume or surmise or project otherwise is our own elitism and classism and downright snobbery talking which pisses me off when I think about it hard enough.

I think if we can come together on Sunday mornings and hold true meetings for worship, unifying ourselves into a body of believers (yes, I said it), submitting ourselves, allowing God to form us and transform us so we become secure in our awareness of ourselves as the embodiment of God’s love on Earth, then we can truly accept and embrace everyone we encounter.

To reinterpret the second chapter of James (from the New Testament):
My dear Friends, don’t play favorites as you practice the teachings of Jesus. If a stranger comes to meeting for worship with silver bangles and an organic hemp dress and another with pantyhose and hairspray and you pay attention to the first one and let her know about potluck after the rise of meeting and offer her a seat on the comfy, padded chairs but ignore the other and leave her to find a seat on the hard pew, have you not become judgmental, intolerant and manipulative? Listen, my beloved Friends, does God not love us all equally? When you do not welcome the people who are different, you dishonor them and in doing so, you are going against God’s command to “love your neighbor as yourself”. When you show partiality, you are not living up to what God expects of you. Don’t judge others but have compassion for them. What good is it to say you believe in God if you don’t act out of love for others. If someone shows up at the meetinghouse hungry and cold, how would it help them for you to say, “Go in peace, stay warm and eat well” but don’t give them food or a coat? Telling them you believe in the testimony of equality does not help them in any way. Saying you believe without acting on your beliefs is worse than useless. Like a body without a spirit, saying you believe something but not acting on it is dead.

Discerning God's Will

2010-06-29T04:39:00.003-06:00

It seems ironic, cruel almost, that the times when I feel most stressed and overwhelmed, when I am forced by circumstance and necessity to make potentially life-altering decisions, these are the very times when I feel the most distant and removed from God. As I've said many times before--when I don't feel close to God, I know it is me who has drifted, that God is consistent and remains waiting and this, I am sure, is certainly true for me right now. I have a series of Very Important Decisions to make very soon which will impact my life and the lives of my children for years to come. These are the kind of decisions best made with deep discernment and the loving and intimate guidance of God and yet, The Chihuahua in my brain is yapping so loudly that I can't begin to discern much of anything beyond "children hungry...prepare food". I'm guessing this is when community needs to come into the picture. I think I need to pull one or two groups of friends and Friends around me to listen to me, help me identify my options and find clarity and direction. And yet, even this seems a daunting task.

Life feels like a row of dominoes right now. Everything is contingent on everything else and it's all lined up so that one move in any direction will set off movement in all directions. How do I plan for all those directions at once when I don't have any clear understanding of how the dominoes all fit together nor the potential repercussions of their falling this way or that?

Making decisions out of fear or pressure is never a good thing and yet decisions must be made, some of them quickly.

I will soon be in a position to reinvent my life and to make it as I want it to be (be careful what you wish for). I've done a lot of exploring of what I want but how can I know if this is truly how God is calling me? It's really easy to convince myself that my will and God's will for me are aligned. How do I discern what is NOT ego when The Chihuahua is so convincing? And honestly, it's not like my wants are not very simple so it would be easy to believe that what I want is aligned with what God wants for me. I mean, if I began thinking I need to indulge in "retail therapy" and get my belly-button pierces (eeewww!) it might seem obvious that I'm not really heeding God's will for me. However, I'm not a person overly enamoured of a lot of our cultural trappings so I can really struggle with how much of what I think God's calling me to do is actually about me, me, me.

This is what I think I know to be true:

I am being called to live car-free. I feel, and have felt for 3+ years, a strong need to live as close to earth as possible. For me, this means to not own a car but to scoot, walk, bus and (eventually--after I, like, learn to ride one again after having not done so for HALF my life), ride a bike everywhere I need and want to go.
I think I am being called to live more immediately in community, and more directly engaged and involved with others.
I am pretty darn sure I'm being called to simplify my work obligations which sort of seems easy (just quit!) except for the fact that income is directly tied to work and, um, money is a necessity in this world.
I know I'm called to live with more awareness of how my actions impact others and the world around us. This would include buying locally grown food as often as is possible/practical, cooking from scratch more, far less "canned" entertainment, hanging laundry out to dry & etc.
I know I'm being called to closer communion with Spirit with a more consistent prayer life and by engaging in a variety of forms of worship with a broader and more diverse group of people.

What I don't know is anything else. Many decisions could facilitate some of the above things; few would accommodate all. What are the options? What are the implications for each of those? How would each impact each of my children today and in 5 years? What's best, what's good & what's neutral? And where is God in each? How do I submit myself to God's will for me when I'm so unsure what that is?

Simplicity

2010-06-20T06:32:00.003-06:00

A few months ago, I participated in an exploratory gathering with the theme of Quaker outreach at Nashville Friends Meeting. Prior to the event, another Friend and I volunteered to be the local presenters working with the Friends General Conference traveling educators who facilitated the event. We were told we would each be giving two five minute talks about one of the Quaker Testimonies; the first talk would be about how I came to that Testimony and the second was to be how my life reflects that testimony now. "No problem", thought I. I'm used to speaking before Friends and leading things and exploring and sharing about my spiritual process. That was, however, moments before my confidence crashed to the ground when the Testimony of Simplicity was announced.

Simplicity sounds simple. My life used to be simple, back when my kids were young and we had so little that things were very uncomplicated. Currently, I'm not even sure what Simplicity means.

To me, the Testimony of Integrity undergirds and informs all the other Testimonies. For you non or new-to Quakers, the Testimonies are: Simplicity, Peace, Integrity, Community and Equality or SPICE. Integrity, in this Quaker spiritual context, is a substitute for Truth (a word which apparently causes more confusion and conflict than clarity). To me, as I wrote in yesterday's blog, Integrity is about all the parts being in harmony to make the whole. So Integrity is the foundation of each of the other Testimonies.

Ah, but Simplicity. What about that? We've had many, many discussions about Simplicity at Nashville Friends Meeting: Simplicity and money, and time, and stuff. Also, Simplicity in work, in relationships with others, in commitments and obligations.

The workshop we did was several months ago so I've had a while to think about this and gather my thoughts and ideas. At the time, I could not find any clearness about this Testimony. None. I couldn't write about it, I couldn't articulate anything that in any way reflected Simplicity. I was stuck. So that's what I talked about.

My first talk about how I came to Simplicity was about how I had been car-free for a year and a half, how right it felt and how I was forced to explore the privileges we all take for granted about being able to go wherever I want whenever I want and how eye-opening and centering that was for me. How my choice to be car-free forced me to live more simply.

My second talk was about how far I am from living in Simplicity now. I talked about what a confusing, overwhelming Testimony this is for me now and how I am so far from it that my life does not reflect Simplicity in any way. I talked about how Simplicity used to always be easy for me because I've never been an acquisitive person who needs a lot of stuff to feel successful but how I took a full-time job and put my kids in school and Simplicity was tossed out and I don't even know how to begin to go about creating a more Simple, Integrated life. I spoke from my center, my Truth.

I think some people responded positively and some people were overwhelmed. Later in the day, a long-time Quaker said she is afraid that having perspectives like mine shared may put people off of Quakerism because they may think they have to aspire to live without a car in order to be Quaker. I do hope I inspire other folks to think about their choices and maybe ride their bikes or take the bus more often but I certainly don't offer myself up as a model for much of anything. I'm wallowing in confusion and struggling with where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to do every day. I don't recommend this to anyone. Or maybe I do when I think that this struggle is really about trying to find the way to align my life with God's intentions for me. Yes, of course, everyone should struggle with that for him or herself.

Integrity and My Dis-integrated Life

2010-06-19T06:22:00.004-06:00

I've been pondering the meaning of the word "integrity". I thought recently of "disintegrate" and how it should mean the opposite of integrity but I take it to mean to dissolve or to crumble or fall apart which didn't immediately seem to be an antonym. The more I thought about integrity, the more the two words do seem to contrast one another. To me, integrity is all the parts being in accord to define a whole. At this point in my life and in my understanding, integrity means that all aspects of my life work in accord to reflect God; that the many varied selves I am (mother, wife, employee, boss, friend, Friend, citizen, daughter & etc.) are all rooted in the same Source and all reflect God's will for me, more or less in harmony.

I'm a long way off from this. My life does not feel harmonious. My work self has been the defining self, usurping the time and energy from all the other selves I am, disallowing me to nurture and sometimes even be very aware of my other selves. It's not that I don't bring my values to my work--I do--it's that I become so enmeshed in my work that I am not able to step away from it to be fully engaged as most of those other selves. My life is dis-integrated right now.

Which returns me to the question of how I am being called to re-integrate my life so I can live centered on God's will for me. The first step is to define where I am feeling called, followed by the questions and concerns or perceived obstacles.

1. Be car-free
-We live in an area of town with insufficient bus service
-We live too far from most of our daily destinations to be able to walk and/or ride bikes.
-Our schedule is far too tight to be able to allow in the extra 1+ hour each direction that would be required if we were to try to take buses.
+For instance, we live 10 miles from Carmac's school and the drive takes 25 minutes in rush hour traffic. To get him to school by 8:00, we would have to leave at 6:00 am. That, of course, does not include the time it would take to return home/to another location.

2. Less stressful and consuming employment
-Without any formal higher education, it is very difficult to find work that pays well and contributes positively to the world. I work for the most respected university sociology company in the world. I make very good money (unless you figure out what I'm paid hourly for the actual time I work).
+Some of this argument seems to have a lot of ego in it.
-Tuition and potential tuition payments for 3 children.

3. More time for prayer/spiritual practice
4. More time to offer myself in service
-These are both affected by #2 more than anything. If work assumes the proper place in my life, I can have more time and energy for these important facets.

Discernment for What I Bring Into My Life

2010-06-15T09:36:00.019-06:00

(Please read my blogpost, "Everything Added Means Something Else Is Lost" as the preface to this post.)

Corporate discernment is one of the unique aspects of Religious Society of Friends. Our Meetings for Worship for the Conduct of Business are just that: Conducting our business and making business decisions with an attitude of prayerful concern as a spiritual community. Incorporating Monthly Meeting into Meeting for Worship in this way speaks clearly of business concerns being a normal part of the spiritual life of the meeting. Committees present reports: sometimes asking for support or guidance, sometimes offering suggestions and sometimes bringing concerns; we, Nashville Friends Monthly Meeting, then hold these in prayerful consideration until a clear understanding of the direction we’re being led is given to us. Sometimes this is immediate. Sometimes there are many questions and a great deal of discussion occurs. Sometimes we ask that more information be found and that we reconsider the question at the next month’s meeting or suggest a Called Meeting be held when more information is found. Sometimes a person will ask a question that leads to clearness for us. Sometimes we discuss things for a long, long time and realize we’re all getting too personally involved and someone will ask for silence while we hold the concern, and our role with it, in the Light. We rely on the most centered of us to help the rest of us learn to let go of attachment to a specific outcome and let God’s will for us as a corporate body unite and guide us. In doing so, we all deepen our awareness and trust in God’s direction for us, individual and as a unified body.

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Which brings me back to discernment for what I bring into my life. You know how it is: You see this…thing. It catches your eye and you think it’s pretty neat. It seems to actually be exactly what you’d been needing, although you didn’t really even know you’d been needing it. It’s just right, the right color, size, price. It’s perfect. You can justify it by saying if you have this thing, it will replace several other things you don’t use so often anymore because they’re outdated. But you’re not an extravagant person so you go home and sleep on it and think about it and maybe even (but probably not) pray about it. But you know you were sold the first time you laid eyes on it so, utterly convinced this thing will fill a void, you return to the store, lay down your cash or card, and walk out with the thing. And guess what? Well, the thing serves it’s purpose for a while and you are very happy with it at first and then you don’t use it so often and other things come along that are more up-to-date and the thing gets set aside and your eye lights upon another thing and: Repeat. The cycle of stuff. It’s really, really easy to convince ourselves that what we want is what we need so there’s really no discernment at all that comes into it about acquiring stuff. We have it and we want>need more of it. There are some of us who don’t have as much discretionary income as others of us so can’t buy so much stuff but we all wind up with lots and lots (and lots). There really is no process of discernment. There are no standards for what we have in our lives. There are no guides for us other than our vague feelings of unease and discomfort around the Simplicity and a little teensy wee bit around the Equality testimonies. We’re like big greedy children who’ve never been taught that we shouldn’t, always, just because we can.

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So I think about the segregated religious sects like the Amish and Mennonites who have community rules and standards and while I don’t want to be in an Old Order kind of community, I have to say that the corporate/communal discernment around what is gained and what is lost by bringing new things into our lives and into our communities is very appealing. All of y’all who know me know I’m not a particularly humble, self-less kind of person. I have a fairly robust self-esteem and enjoy the me-ness of me. On the other hand, what an egocentric sentence that was! I mean—really! There was certainly no “Thy will” happening there, at all. And there I go. I find great, well sometimes great and sometimes just a little appeal, in the idea of being a member of a community with whom I would gather to discern standards for living. Not hard and fast rules: Not “our way or we shun you” rules. Not, “oooh, did you see the way Mary (fill in the blank)?!” kind of community rules. But loving standards that help me live up to the highest standards God sets for me. ‘Cause, you know, I don’t seem to be able to live up to ‘em on my own very well. I can’t even seem to figure out what they are on my own very well except in hindsight.

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I feel some attraction to the idea of submitting myself to some authority larger than myself. Of course, there’s God. But I don’t seem to be able to do that very well on my own. I can’t get my shit together enough to listen and really hear what God’s calling me to do. Sometimes I hear (like, right now I’m really struggling) but often I’m so busy and distracted and single-minded about work or some other thing that is not what God is saying to me that I am totally, unhappily oblivious to God in my life. If I were part of a larger community of (what even to call it: Believers? Disciples? Followers? Listeners? Heeders?) whom I trust to not be all ego-tripped out and with whom I spent daily time in prayerful worship and corporate discernment, I could, maybe, learn to be more faithful, to daily live as I am being called: To live every moment as a prayer.

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But alas, I don’t have this. I have my dear Nashville Friends Meeting which meets once a week and every other week my Friendly Women’s group. I have F/friends with whom I communicate via facebook and email and occasionally by phone and even more rarely in person. I have blogs I read and books and novels. I have prayer, for a moment or two a couple of times a day and I have writing like this, when I can find/make the time. I do not live my life as a prayer. I do not discern much of anything excepting once a month in Monthly Meeting. I do not prayerfully consider the repercussions of what I bring into my life. I do not think about what I may be letting go of when I accept something new. I not only don’t heed God’s will for me, I don’t even hear it most of the time.

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What am I asking here? To have ears and to hear. To learn to submit to God. To have a community that holds me in prayer and holds me up to help me live up to my light. To let go of me and live for God. A little bit of wisdom; just enough to find my way out of this wrong place and into the right place I’m supposed to be, whatever it is God’s calling me to.

BP Did It for ME

2010-06-14T06:06:00.007-06:00

I am vegetarian--in large part, because I could not slaughter an animal in order to eat it's flesh and it seems very wrong to me to pay someone else to do this for me. What right do I have to cause suffering for my own pleasure? (In this modern life of easily accessed protein, meat, I think, is pleasure and not necessity.)

I feel the same way about the environmental disaster of the oil continually pouring into the gulf waters. BP held the weapon that caused the terrible wound but they did it at my behest. They did it because I insist on the right to drive my car. They did it because I refuse to alter my life sufficiently to access the buses or walk or get my body healthy enough to ride a bike. They did it because "It's not just my car, it's my freedom". They raped our Earth because I demanded they provide me with cheap fuel so I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. And not to get too "new agey", but Mother Earth is bleeding and her children are dying and we're watching the news and seeing the pictures and getting angry at BP and big oil companies and maybe sending money to the WWF and then turning our heads from the terrible suffering and then going out in our cars for ice cream. WHAT IS WRONG WITH US? what is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me that I can see my own culpability and know what I'm being called to do and yet be unable to do it? What is wrong that I can't make my own life be the life I know I am being called to live? What is wrong that I allow external forces to dictate what I do and how I act? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME that I keep driving, driving, driving, driving,driving as if I AM THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE AND NOTHING ELSE MATTERS MORE THAN FUCKING ICE CREAM RIGHT NOW.

Everything Added Means Something Else Is Lost

2010-05-31T18:56:00.002-06:00

I'm on a support committee for a f/Friend (which is Quakerspeak for a friend who is also a Friend) who is participating in a 2 year long spiritual program called School of the Spirit. She forwarded notes that someone (don't know who) made about a talk with Quaker educator Max Carter after a visit with an Amish community to learn about their ways of understanding. The notes are fascinating but a particular paragraph almost took my breath away:

Making decisions: (1) Scripture; (2) How our forefathers implemented that scripture. Everything added to life means something else is lost, and usually you lose more than you gain. What would this new thing bring with it? You have to manage each thing or it manages you...Simplifying our
lives allows us to better enjoy what we have...I'm reflecting on bringing complexity into my life: What do I have to manage; what does this item take away?

Wow. I am completely blown away by this idea. How would my life be different if I prayerfully considered each thing before I brought or allowed it into my life? The idea that everything you add takes something away and discerning the more important value before making any change is so obvious and so foreign. How much more simple and centered on my true values, on God's will for me would I be if I asked this simple question. I'm nowhere near there but this idea/exercise speaks deeply and powerfully to me.

God in 100 Words (and a few more)

2010-05-19T08:15:00.004-06:00

Man, woman, elder, infant, timeless.
All made in Your image.
Christ Jesus, Buddha, Ganesha, Muhammad.
Vishnu, The One, Energy, Allah, Love.

Redeemer, judge, elementary school principal,
Mother, Father, nurturing, supportive foundation.
Creator, destroyer, rebuilder, abundant renewer.
Limitless, everything, life, hope, order.

Light, center, truth, pure, goodness.
Alpha, omega, the root, eternal reality.
Sophia, Logos, Gnosis, Compassion, Agape.
You will be whatever we need,
To approach knowing you.

Holy Spirit, Divine Grace, welcome.
Your gift is free will.
The gift is personality, ego, self.
Right, wrong, listening, learning, yielding.

Mistakes, lessons, experiences, no mistakes.
Transcendence, enlightenment, salvation, beyond awareness.
Not my will but Thine.
Self in service to You.
Giving over (forgetting and returning). All that I am is Yours.

monday morning

2010-04-12T05:32:00.002-06:00

Work is intense. I'm at my desk for 10 to 12 hours Monday through Friday. I worked a couple of hours on Saturday (couldn't work more because we visited Hammy's parents) and at least six on Sunday. I'm doing everything I know how in my attempt to keep my head above water but I have the line from the Ben Folds song "Brick" running through my brain all the time: "She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly" (substituting it for she, of course).

But yesterday in meeting, this was given me to use as a mantra: Grace is returning. There's more about joy and welcoming, forgiveness and the lessons required which teach us how to let go of what we no longer need in order to move forward. The gist, though, is that we can start anew as many times as we need to.

The Arms of Jesus/I Am Lucifer (good vs evil or what is the point?)

2010-03-28T07:00:00.003-06:00

My youngest has been influenced by his teenaged and young adult brothers and loves their music. Right now, he loves Black Sabbath. I do not like Black Sabbath and am encourage him in other musical directions, like Hendrix and Led Zep, but you know I'm mom and not nearly as cool as the other drummers in our house, especially the heavy metal playing oldest brother.

Hammy recently gave Carmac his old Ipod so Carmac goes into his room and cranks up music and plays. Which is great except that he listens to "War Pigs" and "N.I.B." and then goes around the house singing "I Am Lucifer" which is rather strange coming from a seven year old.

We had several discussions lately about what's appropriate for a seven year old to listen to and repeat and what's not and why. Carmac's understanding of things is pretty sophisticated for a young child--he knows there are some things that are ok in our home which aren't appropriate at other places because people might be offended. A child singing a song from the viewpoint of satan would definitely count in that category.

The thing that made it a little difficult is that Hammy and I don't believe in satan so we've never taught our children anything about satan. I know my mother has talked with each of them about accepting Jesus and not allowing satan to lead them to hell (against my explicit request that she never do that) but they seem to have successfully avoided internalizing any of it.

The fact that I don't believe in satan, or hell or the need to be "saved by the blood of the Lamb" is the thing that separates me from pretty much most other Christian people. What's the point of Jesus if nobody needs salvation?

Good question. For me, Jesus is the teacher, guru--my Messiah. Jesus exemplified how I should conduct my life. His teachings live because they are an eternal model for how we may live in God.

I don't believe in satan. I do believe that we all have "that of God" in us and when we ignore It and act willfully (ego) the potential for evil is created. I think the further one strays from being connected to that of God, the more harm one does oneself and the world around. I also believe we all have endless opportunities to reconnect ourselves with that of God: Redemption, Grace.

Perhaps it's easier for people to understand an entity leading them astray--snakey looking red dude with a pointed tail and horns or "devil in a blue dress" or whatever. "The devil made me do it". An external force against which we must be ever vigilant. Something that uses any tool or weapon to seduce and overpower us unless we gird ourselves with the armor of God--the Bible, hymns, prayer, baptism, communion, etc. Kind of like a moral H1N1 flu virus. Wash your spiritual hands constantly or you'll catch the evil and spread it's wickedness.

That seems, in some ways, easy. Accept Jesus into your heart to be your personal savior, follow these step-by-step rules, do what you're told and you'll be:

Safe in the arms of Jesus, safe from corroding care,

Safe from the world’s temptations, sin cannot harm me there.

Free from the blight of sorrow, free from my doubts and fears;

Only a few more trials, only a few more tears!

But accepting that model, to a large extent, absolves us of our personal responsibility in our relationship with God. If I believe that as long as I do A, B and C I will win a seat at the left hand of God when I die, I don't have to really listen to what God may be saying to me right now. If I follow the "thou shalts" and avoid satan by not doing the "thou shalt nots" I'll be in good standing and ready to meet my maker.

My brother may call it "spiritual relativism" and my mom says she'll pray that I'll return to the fold but my way I understand it is that God speaks to each of us and calls us to our own truth. We are to learn to listen to that Guide so we can live our lives as directed by God, not by a church or a preacher or a set of rules or social norms. I think satan is our own ego-driven willful nature and salvation, as shown and taught by Jesus, comes through listening to what God is actively telling us to do, by living for God and reflecting God's love for us. The gift of doing this is learning, growing into and being fully who we are--who God intends for us to be, in harmony with our true nature, our Original Face. No punishement for not doing that except the discord and disharmony of living a life disconnected from God and our true selves. When we live for God, we are able to use all of us, including our human ego, for God. That, to me, is salvation. That, to me, is living in the arms of Jesus.

Pharm Fresh

2010-03-15T07:47:00.003-06:00

I've described my brain, specifically my thought processes, as "the chihuahua that lives in my head". I began describing my mind this way shortly after I began attending Friends Meeting. To me, it seemed that everyone at meeting's minds were like big old irish setters. They'd come into meeting for worship and their brains would walk a circle a few times and then settle snugly in front of the fire to wait expectantly for Spirit (their Master). I, on the other hand, had a chihuahua for a brain and when I'd sit down in meeting for worship, the mailman would knock on the door setting off a paroxysm of yapping and barking.

I've also written about my very, very low boredom threshold and how much I need a variety of activities in a job in order to maintain interest and remain engaged.

And don't get me started on my inability to follow-through, keep anything tidy or organize my office or my clothes...

Looking back over old posts I see that it's been about a year or so since I began exploring the idea that these things are linked and maybe part of a "diagnosis". I had an inkling that there is something bigger than just personal failures to "do better". As I always do, I read a bunch of stuff and was guided to explore adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder minus the hyperactivity. The more I read on the subject, the more I was pretty sure the symptoms describe my way of relating to the world. The thing that really put it all together for me, though, was an off-hand comment made by my friend, Kit when she said that participating in a drum circle is the only time she feels adhd because her mind wanders and she has to bring it back to the moment. I was amazed at that statement because my mind never stops wandering unless I'm reading a book I find very compelling or sometimes when I'm engaged in an activity which totally absorbs me (which has happened, like, twice in my life). My mind never stops wandering. I am almost never able to fully concentrate on anything. I assumed everyone was more or less the same way so when Kit said that, I began to fully understand just how differently my brain works.

At the time I began exploring this, I was working at a job that fit me very well (except the dysfunctional and inept boss part, of course). My skill-set and talents worked really well with the duties and tasks required by the job and it was a natural and very happy fit. I was able to do most of the duties of the job well enough to feel comfortable and competent but there were still enough things to learn and grow into that I was always positively challenged. But, alas, my boss did not have the same, um, level of competency about her position and created an atmosphere of instability, insecurity, and uninformed, reactive decision making which permeated every aspect of our department and which I, being between her and our staff, bore the brunt of. By the time I was able to submit my resignation, I was pretty thoroughly beaten down.

At this point, I was offered a position in management with the university research company for which I formerly worked. Yes, I was interested! I was also, in equal measures, completely daunted by the prospect of taking a job which would require way, way more skill and ability to organize effectively than anything I'd ever attempted before.

In exploring what having undiagnosed ADHD has meant in my life, I see that I have never had any kind of expectations for myself when it comes to education or career. The books I've read talk about the ways different people cope with the problems inherent with this...let's call it...condition, disorder, whatever. It seems that a lot of people with ADHD are able to excel in some areas of life by putting inordinate amounts of energy into those areas while other areas (that most people take for granted) are not able to develop successfully because of problems with impulsivity, lack of attention or energy. I began failing in school in second grade. My brain does not process numbers and mathematical problems effectively and I have never had the interest nor the attention span to be able to overcome these problems in order to learn to compensate. Rather than trying harder, which I could never understand how or even why to do when trying at all didn't work in any way, I just put my energy into things I enjoyed and which made me feel successful. Although I've always loved learning things which interest me, I hated school and learning according to other's expectations and agendas. I decided at 12 that I would not attend school a minute longer than I had to. Nothing in the ensuing 6 years gave me any reason to change my mind so I didn't attend college and got a job and an apartment, instead.

Rather than trying to pursue a formal education or a career path, I put my energy into creating a life for myself on my terms. I was pretty clearly able to see the things that we accept as societal norms and to identify which are neutral or positive and which are negative. As a young adult, I spent a lot of time and energy rebelling against what seemed wrong to me and being a negative force for change: I defined myself by what I was against (ala the young characters in the movie "Ghostworld"). When I was 21 or so, I read the book "Spiritual Midwifery" which opened my mind to a new perspective so that when I became pregnant at 24 I could accept a new identity as a mother and begin my path toward defining myself as being for what is true rather than against what is not.

I accepted and have started this new job. I know I have the skills and knowledge to perform the individual tasks involved. It's the composite of the individual tasks that I'm worried about--the organizing, prioritizing and synthesizing of those tasks.

About two weeks ago, I met with a psychiatrist who specializes in adults with adhd. We talked and she agreed with my self-diagnosis. We discussed treatment options and settled on a 12 hour slow-release stimulant at it's lowest dosage.

At this point, I'd like to interject into this narrative my personal history of complete objection to the concept, diagnosis and treatment of attention deficit disorder. I still feel that there is something drastically wrong with a society in which a person can't be successful unless they are able to fit into the narrowly defined boxes that allow for achievement in school and gainful employment. Historically, I believe a person with the creative and convoluted thought processes experienced by those of us with adhd would have found a way to positively contribute to their communities without the requirement of drugs. But, that's not how our current society operates. I am living at this time and with this brain and I have to figure out how best to make good with it. Right now, for me, this is what seems to make the most sense.

So I began taking my drug of choice the day I began packing for my trip to Chicago. This drug works immediately--it does not need to "build up" in one's system in order to begin to be effective. At first, I didn't actively notice any difference in the way I was interacting with my world. But a couple of days into it, it occurred to me that I hadn't been dithering at all. I packed my bag for a week's trip in a couple of hours, and I didn't get impatient and cranky with my family in the process! I've joked for years that I had the capacity for only a limited number of decisions on any given day--that I would wake up able to make six decisions and once I had done that, I couldn't make any more decisions until the next day. I've always been that way. That's why my house never gets straightened up because it requires a lot more than 6 or 10 decisions to clean a room. (Work was a different story because most of the decisions I made there were based on project and departmental protocol which were clearly defined.) And now, I've been home from my trip for 16 hours and my bag is unpacked and everything is put away and the laundry is washing. That has NEVER happened before. Placebo effect or chemically enhanced brain-networking, I don't care which, something new is happening in my head and it seems a bit of a miracle to me. (and, as an added bonus, stimulants act as appetite suppressants!)

later

2010-03-07T06:43:00.004-06:00

I'm leaving in a few minutes to ride on a plane which will take me to Chicago for a week-long work training. When I return, I will hit the ground running as a field manager with 15 interviewers and 500+ cases to manage. I don't think I'll have much time to write for a while and I will sorely miss it.
Eric, I wrote a long response to your last comment which disappeared when I clicked "publish". I haven't had time to rewrite it and won't for a while. Thank you, though, for the conversation and let me say sorry, it was me and my sensitivity about some people's reactions to my background.
Be well, y'all. Walk in the Light.
Mary Linda

Thoughts on Gratitude

2010-03-05T06:12:00.003-06:00

I'm reading the newest book by the author of "The Artist's Way", Julia Cameron; it's titled, "Faith and Will: Weathering the Storms in Our Spiritual Lives". It's very good and very comfortable but a little disconcerting because so much of what is in this book are things I've written about. I think she and I share a very similar understanding of God and express that understanding in similar ways.

I'm a salaried employee of my new employer. I'm having to do a tremendous amount of work right now and learn so much that I'm almost overwhelmed. I am no longer working an eight hour day so there's no shutting the office door at the end of the day and forgetting about it until tomorrow.

My birthday is Sunday but I'll be flying to Chicago in the morning so I won't be celebrating with my family that day. Tomorrow morning, Declan and his girlfriend, Ana, will be meeting us (Hammy, Carmac, Zed and I) at that Greek restaurant on 8th, Athens, for breakfast for my birthday meal with my family.

Carrie Newcomer played at 3rd and Lindsey last night. I've known about it for weeks and have waffled back and forth about going. I've had so much work to do lately that I had pretty well convinced myself that there was no way to justify the time away. Hammy, my dearest, insisted that I go. He said I needed time to recharge and her show was just the thing. Zed agreed to care for Carmac and get him to bed on time.

The show was lovely. Hearing her voice is like being with a dear old friend who knows me very well. Her songs have a strength and a deep spiritual awareness.

Two things yesterday provide me my mediation for today. In both the book, "Faith and Will" and in one of Carrie's songs, I was reminded of the importance of gratitude. I'm not a graspy, acquisitive person but I certainly do take for granted my life. Today, I will try to have an awareness of all this good. I will try to humbly thank God for all that I have and all that I am.

I'll begin this morning with saying how grateful I am to have this blog and the people who visit me here to share their ideas and leadings with candor and honesty. I'm also so glad to be part of the Quaker blog-o-sphere. I am challenged, nourished and taught so much by reading the blogs of others.

I'm not grateful to have to pack Carmac's school lunch--a thankless task in frustration. I am, however, inexpressibly grateful to have more than enough food to feed my children so that I never have to worry about where their next meal is coming from. I'm also grateful that we have enough to share with others.

God, thank you for who and what I am. Please use me to reflect your goodness. Your will be done.

Comfort and Challenge/Knowing and Being Known

2010-03-01T05:59:00.002-06:00

In my blogpost, "My Discomfort is My Lack of Discomfort" I said this:
"I think too many of us want our meetings to be a place of comfort, not challenge. Too many of us hide behind our sensitivity with religion in general and don't want to be part of anything that seems might force us out of what we perceive to be safe; we don't want our spiritual life to be directed nor our motives and actions to be questioned. Our messages inspire, rarely challenge."

I was brought up in a fundamentalist, evangelical Baptist church in which the rules of right and wrong were well defined, loudly communicated and firmly censored--although there were plenty of unspoken rules, as well. When one broke a rule, one was quickly judged, perhaps with love. Some of the rules were founded on theological interpretation but others were more connected to societal norms. I was given the label of Jezebel for wearing a sleeveless blouse to church (the fact that I was a terrible flirt probably helped). One of our wonderful youth pastors was harshly criticized by a large faction of the church for wearing a beard.

My religious background is rigid and authoritarian. I left because I couldn't reconcile my idea of God loving us with the concept that God creates in us this flaw -sin- and the punishes us with eternal hell unless we accept a narrowly proscribed set of beliefs. The questions I'd always had about "What about Muslims and Jews and Hindus?" never left me. I couldn't accept the belief that they were damned nor that Grace was contingent on keeping ever vigilantly good-standing with that narrow set of beliefs.

So I left and wandered and wondered and railed and ranted. And, finally, I found my way back to God through the quiet and safe space of a Quaker meeting where I was welcomed. I found the lack of Christian-speak refreshing, accepting without question the Quaker jargon. On some levels I felt I had found my home.

But there was the issue of fitting in. Looking back I now see many unspoken rules that I didn't see when I first began attending. Almost none of these have anything to do with religious or theological interpretation; most have everything to do with class and background. Because I held this group in such high esteem and wanted to fit in, I didn't speak of my working class background and never mentioned my lack of education. Many privileges were spoken of as if they are the norm, things I will never been able to experience but I kept my mouth shut and my ears open. As I've said before, I'm very well spoken, well read and a flaming liberal so I fit in easily and passed as just like everyone else but I was troubled on many occasions because I was having to keep hidden a part of me so I could feel accepted. In other words, I was not able to be known because I felt the need to not allow myself to be known in order to be accepted.

Over time, I began to feel a great deal of agitation over this issue. The statements made by people about very obvious privileges spoken as if they are the norm upset me. The biases about less educated people began to trouble me greatly. I began, slowly, to speak out about my background; first in small groups and then to the whole meeting. Obviously, I'd already established a loving bond with my community so some people expressed surprise at my background but I was never rejected (although I have been strongly encouraged to go to school at all costs by several people). As I grew more honest about who I am, I grew in my relationship with God and with my community.

I do feel a Friends meeting should be a source of challenge but it can only be a challenge if we can be our true selves with one another and know one another in a loving and accepting way. As my church of origin exemplified for me, rules and a rigid system of right and wrong keep people in fear and separated from one another: none of us want that. But, as I experienced with my meeting (and, from reading other people's blog posts, is a common experience for people from non-middle class backgrounds who begin attending a Friends meeting), class privilege, biases about education and other things and, I would add, political affiliation, all work to keep us closed off from one another. On many occasions I have heard "it doesn't seem Quakerly" but when pressed to define "Quakerly" what is said is about culture, not spiritual understanding.

When I say "I think too many of us want our meetings to be places of comfort, not challenge" I guess what I'm saying is that we need to go deep and make them both. We need to be aware of how we welcome people, how we represent ourselves and how we accept differences. We need to be able to show our "true face" with one another in loving acceptance so that we know one another and are deeply, lovingly known. And once we reach that level of intimacy, we then may be lead to challenge one another and hold ourselves and our community accountable to reach a deeper, stronger, more immediate awareness of our connection with God. What I'm thinking is the true meaning of Eldering as I understand it. Knowing and being known and encouraging one another with the guidance of God.

keepin' it real

2010-02-26T05:54:00.002-06:00

Over the past few months I've had the opportunity to reconnect with a variety of old friends--some I haven't spoken with in almost 30 years (how can I be that old?!). I also have a couple of friends from high school and from when-I-didn't-go-to-but-nonetheless-lived-in-family-housing-at college that I keep in touch with. One of them I talk with pretty much every week, the other about once a year. Reconnecting, for me, is more than just "hi. howareyou? whatareyouupto?" To me, the whole point of this facebook thing, is to use it to actually find a connection--something I have in common with this person who was once a good friend. Those of you who know me, and those who read this blog could figure out that I'm not a fan of the superficial. I don't want or need more shallow in my life. If I'm going to have friends, I want those friendships to have meaning and some depth. Which isn't to say that these connections must be a heavy burden or require any particular thing. I just want to keep it real.

(Dang. I've noticed that my essays seem to take on the form of a sermon, sometimes. I'm not preachin' I'm just writing out my ideas.)

I feel the same about my relationship with God. Not that God is superficial and all like "So Mary. What have you been up to? Married? Any kids? Me? I've been busy with work. I'm the Deity, you know. Yeah...oh I've done this since time began. Didn't you know that? I didn't like to talk about it but I'da thought you'da figured it out when I knew all the answers in Biology. You totally got that answer right about evolution, by the way. Mr. Jones was so off with that creationism bs. People-get a clue. I am GOD, the CREATOR. Hello? You don't think that I could create the world and create a set of circumstances which would allow everything to evolve?! Anyway, I know how you are but how are you?"

No, I think God remains consistently with me and it's me who doesn't take the time to make the connection and listen. Oftentimes, my relationship with God is very superficial. First thing in the morning: "Hey God. Help me to be aware of you throughout my day. Please help guide me so that I reflect you. Thanks." and that's the last time I think about God for hours. To truly have the intimate, deep, sincere relationship requires more than a 30 second check-in once or twice a day. As I've said before, my strongest yearning is for my life to be a prayer; for my every thought and action to be done with conscious service to God. "Not my will but thine". But that takes so much work and so much effort at awareness. I'm so far from there. I do have a job that currently seems to be taking up about 10 hours of my day and I have children to drive around and feed and laundry to wash and friends to keep in touch with and on and on. What can I do to bring awareness of God into more of my day-to-day day?
First step: Make time for writing. Think of this as letters about myself to be read by God and everybody. Get up 30 minutes before everyone else, if necessary.
Second: Hey! I like music! Play whatever it is that will inspire me. Today I'm thinking Sam Cooke and the Soul Stirrers to begin.
Third: Try to remember to take occasional breaks from work to center myself and reconnect.

Cock-a-doodle-do! It's 6:30 on this Friday morning. I need to be getting my youngest up and packing lunch and preparing to sit down and work. All for the glory of God.

Who I'd Be if I Weren't Who I Am

2010-02-24T09:33:00.011-06:00

If I had married my first serious boyfriend, I would, obviously, be a very different person than I am today. Being married and having a family was the plan my parents had for me from birth. My mother was raised by a divorced mother who worked very hard putting food on the table for her children. Understandably, being able to stay at home and care for her children was my mother's idea of fulfillment. She was also a newly born-again Christian when I was born and there is nothing more fervent than a convert. The fundamentalist Christian church is all about every person having his and her own proper role and for a married woman, that role is to be the helpmeet of her husband, who is the head of the household. My mother met my father when she was 14 and they married when she was 19. She and my father wanted nothing more for me than to fall in love with and marry a good man who would cherish and care for me. And no, I wasn't a spoiled "princess" so don't even think that--they also taught me to work hard, especially caring for children and encouraged me to earn my own money. What they didn't particularly encourage was education. I mean, they wanted me to get good grades and succeed in school but they didn't really stress the idea of college or having a career. So, when I met a kind, good and mature young man when I was 16, they were supportive.

He was a great boyfriend and we had a very intense and committed relationship. We dated for a year and a half and I had every intention of marrying him but he matured more quickly than I and needed emotional support from me that I didn't understand and couldn't provide and he eventually broke up with me. I was devastated. I felt wed to him and his not wanting to be with me felt like divorce.

But here's the thing: Breaking up with me was the best thing he could ever have done for me. Not because of who he was but because of who I was. If we had continued on the track we were on, I very well may have become a rigid, controlling "church lady". You see, I knew God only as "THOU SHALT NOT". My only understanding of God came to me through my church and my parents. Other than a few fleeting moments when I was a child, I did not know God directly; I only knew God through the intermediaries of church service, Sunday school, youth group & etc. I did not know God experientially. So, what I knew of God was completely informed by rules and regulations about sinfulness and righteousness.

(I own that same outfit.

Where did I get it?

Could it be...

Satan?)

Because I didn't know God as an immediate Presence, I could not know God's loving guidance. All I could know was what I was told was right and wrong. I did not know to be quiet and listen for that Still, Small Voice. I could not know God as my soul's Intimate Guide to lead me on my right path so I prayed empty words and followed rote teachings and believed that what I was taught was sinful would truly damn me unless I prayed for forgiveness even though, and this is so important, even though I knew my "heart" (my intuition, that Voice) oftentimes said something very different.

Let's talk sex, as an example. There have been times in my life when that Still, Small Voice was very clearly telling me that it was not a wise decision to become physically intimate with a particular person, in a particular situation or at a particular stage in my life. But, there have been other times when the rightness of a relationship was communicated lovingly to me, regardless of the legal status nor sanctioning by church or community of the relationship. In other words--sometimes it was right and sometimes it was wrong and this was often pretty clearly communicated to me by God, even if I didn't understand at the time that it was God "talking".

This leads me to sin. Before I came to know That of God within, all I knew of sin was that there were things, actions, even thoughts, that were bad, wrong and sinful and required my acceptance of the intermediary act of Jesus' death on the cross and subsequent resurrection to reconcile my full-of-sin self with God. What I understand now is that sin is whatever I allow to interfere with my right relationship with God. So, using the example of sex again, if an intimate relationship with another person nourishes me, helps me realize my potential and helps me grow in a way pleasing to God, it is good. But, if I am in a relationship with another person--and this can even be with a partner within the bonds of "holy matrimony"--and I or the relationship is dysfunctional and unhealthy to the point at which the expression of sexuality becomes disruptive to my connection with God, then I would say it's a sin.

I would also say that there may be times when an action is not a sin but the guilt feelings about that action can be the sin. Sometimes the message given about things, ideas, acts is that they are intrinsically bad, wrong and sinful. Again, they may be and they may not be, depending on the intention we bring to them. But, because we've been given the "rule" that they're bad, wrong and sinful, when we do them, we feel tremendous guilt for them. Sometimes, I think, the guilt about the act is the sin, not the act itself, because the guilt is what separates us from God.

I've read that the word sin comes from an archaic archery term meaning "to fall short of the target". I've never been able to confirm this but I like the definition, anyway. That's how I view sin: To not live up to what you know to be the right thing in your relationship with God, or as olden day Quakers would put it, "not living up to the Light thou hast".

I am so grateful that I was dumped by my wonderful first boyfriend. If I hadn't been, if we would have proceeded with our relationship as planned and gotten married and the whole picket fence thing, I think I maybe would be living my life according to other people's ideas, understandings and interpretations of God. I think I maybe would have become a stickler for the "Thou Shall Not" way of thinking that closes us off from one another and keeps us in fear of doing the wrong thing and being judged for it. Having my expectations shattered and discovering who I was outside of those expectations was the gift that allowed me to not only learn myself but, most importantly, allowed me to discover God for myself. I now know God to be a Loving Parent who is disappointed when we fail to live up to our potential but who always forgives and rejoices when we begin again. I now know that God is the Love that Unites us.

Friends Care

2010-02-16T09:01:00.002-06:00

Please forgive me in advance. This post will almost certainly be very disjointed. I'm going to attempt to write as I'm waiting for things to load while working. I've begun working 40 hours a week on my new gig. I've got a huge amount I'm trying to learn and the internet networking is very slow today and my outlook is very jumpy so I'm spending a lot of waiting time which I can use to write here.

Thais' School of the Spirit care committee met last night. Bill had invited us over to his house for "low tea". I love Bill and not only because he takes tea very seriously! The repast was delightful with rich butter and cucumber sandwiches and fresh strawberries in winter. The company was a delight, as well. Caroline, Kit, Bill and Thais (Lynda is out of town, I think).

The way our these meetings generally unfold is that Thais tells us about the logistics and agenda for her most recent School of the Spirit retreat. She shared with us some about the Benedictine Sister who had been a speaker at the retreat from which she had just returned. I will not share anything that would breach the confidentiality of our time together but I do want to write about some of what we spoke about.

We began discussing what it means to be obedient to God through our community and how being faithful to community undergirded the spiritual lives of our Quaker antecedents. We spoke a bit of eldering and how we do not know one another nor have sufficient trust relationships built through daily intimacy to help guide one another with loving support through Spirit. We all spoke of some longing to know one another more deeply and to center our lives, individually and collectively, in God. We talked about what it means to be Christian versus Christocentric and what those words mean to us and to other people. Most, if not all of us expressed interest in and a desire for a Bible study group. Most of us have a history with the Bible from the faith traditions of our youth and have studied around the Bible by doing informal scholarship via authors like Bart Ehrman and the Gnostics and other sources. As a group, we feel ready to re-visit the Bible with an open mind and fresh Quaker eyes (listening with tongues).

I can't express how much this group of f/Friends means to me. My heart overflows to be able to speak about my desires, frustrations and yearnings to have my beautiful community truly support and sustain and facilitate and encourage and challenge my awareness of God in my life. The support committee was supposed to be for Thais but I feel like the one benefiting.

my discomfort is my lack of discomfort

2010-02-07T08:03:00.003-06:00

Please don't get me wrong here--I'm very happy to be a Friend. I find comfort and community, spiritual guidance and support in Nashville Friends Meeting and through the Quaker blog-o-sphere. I know I sound critical of Friends a lot. I am, because I don't believe we are living up to our potential. I think too many of us want our meetings for worship to be a place of comfort, not challenge. Too many of us hide behind our sensitivity with religion in general and don't want to be part of anything that seems might force us out of what we perceive to be safe; we don't want our spiritual life to be directed or our motives and actions to be questioned. Our messages inspire, rarely challenge.
My discomfort is my lack of discomfort. I need to be challenged. I need to grow in Christ and I don't think that's gonna happen when the only messages are the "rah, rah we're enlighten Quakers" and "save the trees" and "I listened to a story on NPR this morning" kind of messages. Obviously, I don't want folks going all hells-fire-and-brimstone on everybody but I do need a spiritual community that KNOWS me and holds me accountable and challenges me to live according to the Light given me.
One thing is that I think a lot of us are Quakers first and Christians second (or whatever we call our connection with God. I don't mean to imply that all Quakers must be Christian). We "worship" together in the manner of Quakers in the comfort of the silence almost as if we worship the silence. We come together and sit and pray or meditate or fidget or whatever and once in a while the silence deepens and there is a true sense of Spirit in our midst but mostly it seems we're happy with an hour of quiet. We don't seem to really be expecting Spirit to show up, like the word worship is a token.
I think partly, this is because we let the comfort of the least, um, rooted of us set the overall depth for everyone. Being spiritually centered takes work. The few times I was really in a state of being aware of living in God, I wasn't working at a job, I was writing these kinds of essays regularly and I was part of a small group of people meeting regularly to check in with one another about where God was in our lives. It takes constancy and discipline and, to some extent, a community of people who support one another in order for any of us to have the spiritual energy to support and spiritually motivate the rest of us.

Dang. So how do we light a fire when we all have jobs and responsibilities that pour water on our longing toward God? How do we allow ourselves to grow in Christ when we don't have the time to really live as we are called to do? Jesus said to drop everything and follow. But I've got kids and a mortgage. If I were part of a more mainstream religious tradition, maybe I'd be called to be a missionary and my church would finance my life for me but I'm not. Maybe my disappointment is with myself that I have never seemed to be able to balance my spiritual life with working well at a full-time job. I don't know how to change that. These are the householder years and I have responsibilities of family that I must attend to. I know God will wait until I'm ready but I need more than putting my spiritual self on hold until Carmac's an adult or until I learn to balance life/work/spirit. Again, if my spiritual community were larger and more dynamic, maybe there'd be better support. But that support is often hierarchical which runs counter to what is right for me. What's this friendlymama to do?

Sarasvati Smiles

2010-02-05T12:57:00.008-06:00

It's a rainy day, cold and clammy. Zed needed me to bring him his stage-hand clothes so I stopped by the coffee shop in the library for chai and jazz for the time until I retrieve Carmac from school. The library god (who would that be? Sarasvati? Seshat? Wen-Chang?) was smiling down on me; I walked through the new releases and found not one but two unexpected books: Roland Merullo's latest, "Fidel's Last Days" (new genre-political thriller) and Anita Diamant's (who wrote "The Red Tent") new book "Day After Night". I'm so excited to read them! I also found "A Great and Terrible Love: A spiritual journey into the attributes of God" by Mark Galli and Julia Cameron's "Faith and Will: Weathering the storms in our spiritual lives" (she's the author of "The Artist's Way" so this might be very good).

(not very) Friendlymama

2010-02-04T08:38:00.004-06:00

After yesterday's post I'm wondering exactly what "Friendly" means to me 'cause the post certainly wasn't. Yeah, honest, but geez. I give lipservice to that Quaker thing: "Walk cheerfully over the Earth answering that of God in everyone I meet" or whatever but then I'm all "Jesus with the moneychangers" when it comes to actually interacting with people as if I somehow have the right to judge what's in anyone else's heart. I'll be cheerful with you if you reflect my worldview, if not, shut up and don't trouble me.

What does it mean to be a Friend? I am a member of the Religious Society of Friends; what does that mean? Are we just Friends with one another--like our own little club? If that's the case, then I'm doing alright religiously but spiritually...that's another thing. Foremost, before being Quaker, I am a follower (disciple, student) of Jesus. He did have his own posse but he seems to have been frequently reaching out to folks outside his network, sometimes to share his unique perspective on spiritual life with the larger world, but mostly just helping people; and he encouraged his followers to do the same. I'm not okay with being part of the Religious Society of Friends With People Just Like Us. Originally, the name was "Religious Society of Friends of Truth": What Truth? Who's Truth? Are those questions why we stopped referring to ourselves in that way? What does it mean to answer that of God in everyone?

I think the first thing is for me to be aware of that of God in me. If I'm not aware of that, anything else I do will be based on my own ego rather than what connects me with the Eternal. The further I get from that awareness, the less, um, centered, aligned, harmonious my life feels--like I'm living outside of the Light. When I am able to be aware of Spirit in me, there's a rightness and a sense of flow (words are so inadequate). Even when I have that agitated, liminal disquiet, there's still a feeling that God's got the plan down and, when I can trust and follow that still, soft Voice, I'll get where I'm supposed to be.

When I am aware of that of God in me and am living in accord with that awareness, the differences don't matter quite so much. I have found myself to be a little more tolerant and accepting, a little less often in a hurry to judge and condemn. Which is not to say that I will ever willingly talk politics nor religion with my Uncle Carl. But I may be less dismissive of his necessity to have the worldview that he does.

A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
Jesus wants me for a sunbeam.

A sunbeam, a sunbeam,

I'll be a sunbeam for him.

taking a look at my own prejudices

2010-02-03T09:27:00.002-06:00

I'm ok with homeless guys. Even in groups. I've (mostly) gotten past that "bless your heart" smile and am pretty comfortable making eye contact and speaking person-to-person.

I'm not terribly uncomfortable with young black men, even in groups. Unless they're being particularly loud and rowdy but that's mainly only my auditory sensibilities rather than emotional comfort. I actually am more fearful of groups of white young men because I think black men would have sense enough to leave me alone (me being a white middle class woman) while I don't have that same level of comfort about groups of white men.

I used to regularly go into the area prisons delivering things like books and toys. It was impossible for me to not feel like a steak on display before starving people but dealing individually with the incarcerated guys was never a problem.

People I have a lot of discomfort dealing with:

Folks who dress up to go to church (some--not all)
Those who think Sara Palin is the answer to our country's problems
Polyamorists with children
Good ol' boys/people who identify as "rednecks"
Folks who act like saying "it's all good" allows them to disregard good manners
Individuals who think the government is too big but who want to use it to regulate the behavior of other people

I am a total hypocrite. I believe in diversity and that every voice has equal merit but only if that voice says that every voice has equal merit. People who believe that everybody should believe exactly as they do are wrong. And yet that's exactly the way I believe because I believe they're wrong. I judge people based on where they stand on certain political/social litmus questions and decide whether I want them in my life. A person may get a "pass" with me if they are socially conservative but follow what I deem to be sincere faith--it doesn't matter much which religious system as long as they are deeply engaged.

I'm not exactly sure how to move beyond this. I'm not sure I want to. I don't LIKE people who are judgmental and conservative. People who get their information from Fox News disturb me beyond words and when I have to interact with them I find few topics about which we can interact. And yet, I'm dismayed at the division in our society. And I'm a big part of that division. I think in dichotomy: right/wrong, good/bad, with us/against us. If I can't find the middle in my own mind, how in the world can I begin to find it in my life?

I Shouted the Right Slogans and I'm a Splendid 40 Year-Old

2010-02-02T08:25:00.004-06:00

I watched Caro Diario last night and have fallen in love with Italy, music, sunshine and the character Nanni Moretti (who is the filmmaker and main character). And, in the middle of winter on a foggy, clammy morning, in love with scooter riding all over again. What a sweet, sublime film. The movie doesn't go anywhere in particular but it moves confidently with an attitude of "why not?" and wanders around in the moment without angst or any particular self-awareness.

There's a scene in the first section, In Vespa, in which he is riding a beachside road. It's a scooter-speed scene, not fast and not slow, in which he is exploring. I don't know the piano song playing but it's so perfect for the mood that I almost cried at the loveliness of it.

I grinned through parts of this film even though it's not a comedy and not really funny but so good humoured and openly good natured. Even the scenes in which a criticism is made, it's still done gently and with kindness (including the scene in which the movie critic is crying over his mistakes).

Nanni Moretti lives in his own world in this film but it's an interesting world full of sound, shapes, color--and, although this is my own sensual, scooter-rider presumption, smells. He meanders through it discovering simple wonders, creating his own narrative and dancing to his own internal soundtrack. When I had the luxury of time to do this on foot I'd call it be-bopping along. Now that my time is mostly always spoken for and even on my scooter my travel is, by necessity, point A to point B, I don't have much opportunity to wander and wonder so I'm utterly delighted to have found a film to perfectly remind me of it.

The Grace of Returning

2010-02-01T12:03:00.002-06:00

It's certainly been awhile. I'm embarrassed to say that I forgot the log-in for google and haven't been able to access my account (I have created a couple of accounts over the years for various activities and was trying to log-in with the wrong one. In the middle of the night I remembered which password I needed for this one. Duh.)

A lot's changed. Honestly, I hadn't written for a long time because I was pretty intensely depressed. My job had become intolerable and I was miserable. Long story short, my former boss is a very dysfunctional person and a really terrible boss. I really loved almost everything about my job except anything that dealt with her. Just when I was to the point of accepting the idea that I would rather quit and be unemployed than continue to work in that environment, my former Regional Manager at the university social sciences research company I used to work for called me to offer me a job as a Field Manager. I said yes, filled out the paperwork and did a phone interview with 4 VPs and turned in my two week's notice. My last day at Vandy was a couple of weeks ago and I'm sorta just waiting for some notice about what work I can do until a project comes up that I can work on. I think I'll be working on a project beginning in March. Until then, I'm checking email several times a day hoping my Regional Manager finds something I can do to be helpful.

I'll be working from home so I've set up the workshop in the backyard to be my office. I had a phone line run out there. The building is unheated but I've got a little electric space heater and a kerosene heater and it's working out ok. Once the project begins I'll be salaried and will probably work 60-70 hours a week for the first month or more. The good thing is that I'm a morning person so I can get up at 5:00 and begin working, if I want to, so it won't cut into my time with the kids too much. I figure I'll work until 2:00, pick Carmac up, come home and supervise homework and make dinner, then go back to work for a couple of hours. I'll also probably work at least a couple of hours 7 days of the week.

As for "how does Spirit go in your life": I found depression and stress kept me in a state of emotional crisis in which I had little awareness of that of God within myself or in others (particularly my boss). I had no extra energy for much of anything beyond what was absolutely required--caring for my children, interacting positively with Hammy, family. I had no energy to be with friends or even to email or call people. If I hadn't been on Ministry and Council and a care committee at Nashville Friends Meeting, I probably wouldn't have gone to meeting much at all. As it has been, on weeks in which I didn't have a meeting I had to be at, I often didn't attend Meeting for Worship. I'd never thought of my relationship with God as being something extraneous to daily survival but it seems that spirituality is pretty high on Maslows hierarchy of needs, up there in the "self-actualization" point, for me anyway. A few weeks ago, reading a blog post on QuakerQuaker about the mysticism of connecting with God, I remembered the sense of "falling into" a gathered Meeting for Worship--that letting go and uniting with God and that of God in that state of expectant waiting. I remember but I'm far from there. But remembering creates the stir of longing, so maybe I'll be able to find my way back. I thank God for the grace of returning.

Cynical Girl

2009-08-24T05:23:00.002-06:00

I've discovered Imeem.com and spent the weekend learning Microsoft Access while listening to Marshall Crenshaw by way of a heavy dose of T-bone Burnett. This song is the one that's stuck with me. I love this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ja4NfjEfKMs

Cynical Girl

(M. Crenshaw)

Well I'm goin' out
I'm goin' out lookin' for a cynical girl
Who's got no use for the real world
I'm lookin' for a cynical girl

Well I hate TV
There's gotta be somebody other than me
Who's ready to write it off immediately
I'm lookin' for a cynical girl

Well I'll know right away by the look in her eye
She harbors no illusions and she's worldly-wise
And I'll know
when I give her a listen
that she
She's what I've been missin'
What I've been missin'

I'll be lost in love
And havin' some fun with my cynical girl
Who'll have no use for the real world
I'm lookin' for a cynical girl

Well I'm goin' out I'm goin' out lookin' for a cynical girl
Who's got no use for the real world
I'm lookin' for a cynical girl

Yeah I'll know right away by the look in her eye
She harbors no illusions and she's worldly-wise
And I'll know
when I give her a listen
that she
She's what I've been missin'
What I've been missin'

I'll be lost in love
And havin' some fun with my cynical girl
Who'll have no use for the real world
I'm lookin' for a cynical girl

confession

2009-07-15T07:23:00.003-06:00

I deliberately lied to someone a few days ago. It was at work. I was helping one of my staff as she was training to work on a new project. She was interviewing me and I was playing the role of a research participant. Usually, when doing this, I would give answers as if I were one of the many people I've interviewed in the past but this time, mainly because this was a study I'm unfamiliar with, I just answered the questions as myself. I don't eat meat. I have never had a colonoscopy nor been diagnosed with polyps but my mother has. My father had elevated PSA levels but was not diagnosed with cancer. I walk about 30 minutes a day. I have three children. I weigh 150 lbs. I'm 5'7" tall. I work as a research study interviewer. I've completed, um, 16 years of schooling.

There it is. I lied about my educational background. I actually stunned myself when I did. Well, first I kicked myself for not anticipating the question and giving fake answers.

I'm asking myself some questions:
Am I ashamed of my lack of education? No, I don't think I am. Frequently frustrated, yes, but not ashamed. Actually, I'd say I'm really proud of myself to have done all the things I've done without the educational foundation that so many people take for granted (the pride issue would be gist for another post).

Is my ego attached to how people perceive me? Yes, some. The woman I was working with is a very nice person; she's quite a bit older than me, has family in the same part of Indiana that I do. She's a college professor but I think comes from humble beginnings. I don't think she would judge me harshly as a person. I don't care if she, personally, knows that I didn't go to college. Personally, I don't really think I much care if anyone knows. But professionally, that's a different thing. I'm not a terribly ambitious person but I do want the opportunity to grow in my job and in the department. I have staff under me who have masters degrees. I think there are currently 2 people in our department, besides myself, who have no higher levels of education and they're both in part-time, uncareer-oriented positions. I am very good at my job and I want to be taken seriously. I'm respected as a leader. I don't think that would change if word go out that I am "uneducated" but it's not outside of possible that some people's attitudes toward me could subtly change. I might not be taken as seriously. My authority as a leader could very well suffer, which would damage my potential for advancement in our department.

I have no intention of rectifying the misrepresentation. I didn't lie to change her perception of me, more to maintain the current perception of me as qualified to lead. Having a degree, particularly in an academic setting, is almost a universal requisite: I am the very rare exception. I lied because I want to maintain the level of leadership I hold. Yes, I suppose that is ego but it's ego rooted in pragmatism. I guess if I stepped way back and looked at my situation with the broadest perspective, I'd see that having this job or not is ultimately not important. In this lifetime at this time, I do need a job. I don't know if this is where God wants me to be but this is where I am and I haven't felt any leadings to leave. Although, I guess I could interpret my need to lie about my background as a disconnect from what best glorifies Spirit. But, working for this world renowned institution in the epidemiology center gives me credibility to do other things, effect other changes in the world that I might not have if I were, say, a nanny or working in a bookstore. To me, it feels this is a good place to be. I trust God to nudge me when it's time to make a change.

This leads me to an interesting meditation on sin. A post for another day...

Irony and Humor

2009-07-09T06:23:00.003-06:00

I read a book a few years ago, or, I should say that I think I read the first few chapters of a book a few years ago. Unfortunately, I can't remember the name of the book nor the author's name; that he was a young man, in his early 20s, I think, is all I remember. In the book he was writing about humor and how what our culture perceives as funny has changed. He used the TV show Seinfeld as the example for current humor. Seinfeld humor is based on irony. It's an insider humor. It's about US, our club, our clique and how we see the outside world-THEM-as not like us, therefore, potential objects of ridicule. The author went on to say that popular culture humor in the past was based on the main character being an outsider and being the underdog and ultimately triumphing, through his own wit, over the buffoon, bully establishment: Think Charlie Chaplin's Little Tramp or The Honeymooners.

I just finished reading a novel called Rock Bottom by Michael Shilling. There's a very small genre of popular lit right now based in rock-n-roll. When I picked this up at the library, I figured a little light reading; nothing really challenging, just escapism pure and simple. I'm not going to say that this book will enter the tome of classics, but it was surprisingly good: The characters were well-developed, the plot was consistent and believable, the story was good. Mainly, the story is about irony; about a band that is created ironically and the people in it. Not to give the plot away too badly but through the story, the characters are forced to face how their ironic posturing and cynicism protected them for a while but ultimately harmed them and most everyone around them. The novel was about the painful peeling of the onion skin until the heart of the person is revealed (and the author did a good job of making the process not seem contrived or manipulative for any of the characters).

I think irony is a protective tool people learn to use to keep themselves from feeling vulnerable. I know that's true for me. Sheesh, I was such a nerdgirl in 5th, 6th, and 7th grade. I got made fun of all the time. By high school, I'd learned irony and gathered around me a group of misfits and fellow-nerds. We were the outsiders (proto-wannabe-post-punks) who were picked on and made fun of by the dominate culture but we had each other (and music) and we got through with the help of a jaded outlook and irony.

I love the movie Ghostworld which perfectly describes the cynicism and insecurity I felt when I graduated from high school. I hated the culture I lived in but didn't have the skills, knowledge or self-awareness to be anything different from what I was familiar with.

Anyway, as I get older and am able to let go of bits and pieces of that armor I've carried for all the years and accept myself as I am and not try to hide my "true face" from the world, I see that irony, while occasionally helpful, is really very harmful when it's societally endemic.

I think that the ultimate loss that comes from irony is that of compassion. When were busy defining US versus THEM and laughing at Them, we're not feeling for Them and we're not aware of our connections to Them or realizing that, ultimately, We ARE Them and They are Us--we're all one. Irony makes us think that we are all we need, which is so wrong and so sad.

Irony

2009-07-02T05:45:00.000-06:00

I love irony. I frequently find humor in irony and, if it makes me laugh, it's good with me. But, I've been thinking about irony and false witness. Often, irony is contingent on saying one thing but meaning another, which is usually fine as long as everyone "gets it". However, I do know some people that don't seem to understand irony. I could, and in the past, have, written them off as humorless, which I've always thought is about the worse thing a person can be. One important aspect of irony is that, by it's nature, some people will get it and be insiders and some won't and be outsiders. If everyone got it irony wouldn't be ironic. Favoring a method of humor that, by it's nature, excludes some people and judging those who also favor it and those who don't understand it feels very shallow to me right now. Some irony-free people are people I value, trust and respect. When I say something ironic in front of them and they give me that look of incomprehension or confusion and then I have to explain that "no I didn't mean I really liked what I said I liked. In truth I disliked it but I was saying I liked it to be funny" and then they ask why would that be funny or just give me that look I realize how, um, unforthright I sound.

I can't imagine that I'm going irony-free from this moment on; I have too much weakness for an easy punchline. I do think that I'll sometimes be more aware of how my words are taken by others.

O the Irony

2009-07-01T05:53:00.002-06:00

I am an avid thrift store shopper. I usually hit one or another at least every other week. Saturday, I found a funky skirt, some black pants that I needed quite badly for scooter riding/work and a pair of house shoes. Now, normally I wouldn't look twice at a pair of house shoes at Goodwill, but these were extra special and half-off of $2.99 so I grabbed them. I kept walking through the store and smirking every time my eyes lit on them resting in my shopping cart. What they say on them is "Rejoice with Jesus" with a golden/orange cutout of praying hands.

I bought them because they are absurd. Why? I mean, really, WHY? Who would conceive, design, manufacture and market houseslippers with a Godfish on the heel and "Rejoice with Jesus on the toe? Who would buy them? What is the point? Ridiculous.

I bought them ironically. But the thing that's happened is that every time I glance at them, I get the Violent Femmes song "Rejoice and Be Happy" in my head and it makes me smile and I sing it as a prayer. So, the irony is that these stupid houseslippers have actually done for me what, perhaps (if one is not being cynical about a consumeristic society), they were originally created to do: Act as a reminder of faith.

Rejoice & be happy when they revile you,

just like the Savior told us to do.

Rejoice & be glad when for His name's sake,

they speak all manner of evil and against you they hate.

Blessed are you who are persecuted too,

for righteousness & the good that you do,

if in the bread you put a little leaven,

the Kingdom is yours & it's the Kingdom of Heaven.

Rejoice & be happy when they revile you,

just like the Savior told us to do.

Rejoice & be glad when for His name's sake,

they speak all manner of evil and against you they hate.

Ye are the salt of the earth,

if you're not salty, what are you worth?

Rejoice & be ye exceedingly glad

for great is the reward in Heaven to be had

for the prophets they did persecute too,

unjust though it was, they came way before you.

Rejoice & be happy when they revile you,

just like the Savior told us to do.

Rejoice & be glad when for His name's sake,

they speak all manner of evil and against you they hate.

We are the salt of the earth,

if we're not salty, what are we worth?

Rejoice & be happy when they revile you,

just like the Savior told us to do.

Rejoice & be glad when for His name's sake,

they speak all manner of evil and against you they hate.

Rejoice & be happy when they revile you,

just like the Savior told us to do.

Rejoice & be glad when for His name's sake,

they speak all manner of evil and against you they hate.

May

2009-05-08T07:51:00.004-06:00

It's been a long while. My last post was all worried about being bored in my job. Ha! I'm very challenged at work and I love it! Last night I began training on a third study, this one about childhood asthma and respiratory infections. I'm still spending most of my work time on the 90,000 cohort cancer study and doing a lot of supervisory and managerial work and I'm also working on a study about low birthweight infants. That one is really complicated because there are actually 11 different surveys for different stages of pregnancy and post-part um but it's really, really interesting. We ask about breastfeeding and other ways of feeding babies, about parent's perceptions of how babies learn, questions about development and lots of questions about appropriate discipline. One of the surveys is administered when the baby is 5 months old and I realize that 5 months is like the perfect baby age. I LOVE 5 month old babies and I about cry every time I'm asking the questions about if the baby can bring her hands together when she's laying on her back or if she stands with her feel flat when she's being held up by her mother.

Sigh...my baby is 6 years old now. My oldest turned 18 last month.

Speaking of my oldest: He turned 18 two weeks ago on Monday and on Tuesday went to the school to drop out. I guess you could say we're a homeschooling family again, although this time he's doing it completely on his own. He's working on taking the GED. He's got a job working in a cafe. He's talking about going to college in another year to study theater tech (lighting and sound). He seems to be looking toward the future and seeing himself as an adult so I am fine with where he is and what he's doing. I'm pretty proud of him for being such a strong individual. He seems to be really identifying what is important to him and his values are ones I value, as well. He has chosen to not register for the Selective Service even thought that decision has the potential to really limit his options for the future. He is a apologetically anti-military. He's become really aware of health and diet and is eating a mostly meat-free diet. He's got a good work ethic and is very independent.

My middle son got into the school for the arts for next year for film-making. I'm so happy about it! And, that school is opting out of the school uniform for next year so my sweetie can dress like himself! I think he'll love it there. Zed is going to the Southern Appalachian Yearly Meeting in June to hang with the SAYFers (Southern Appalachia Young Friends). This is the first year he's gone. A couple from NFM, Linda and Thais, are sponsoring him and he'll be riding with them, which I think he'll love. I'm so glad he has made SAYF an important part of his life.

Carmac, my 6 y/o seems to have finally adjusted to school. He's at East Academy, a small private school, and loves it. He's made friends and every day he tells me that his day was way better than average.

Hammy and I have had a really rocky six months or so. That's part of why I haven't been writing. Our marriage was taking so much of my energy and it is so important but it wasn't something that I could lay out for the world to read. We're finding our way back to one another and moving slowly toward better unity. We're taking vacation time next month to go to Bonnaroo together and are really looking forward to 4 days of music and just hanging out together. I really like him when I'm not pissed at him and I think he feels the same about me. Music is the vehicle that brings out the best in both of us and brings us closer together. The day-to-day grind of these householder years brings out the worst.

My job requires me to work at least 3 nights until 9:00 pm a week and at least every other weekend (I'm actually working every night this week and 3 weekends in a row except this Saturday). I am able to have flexibility in scheduling my time as long as I meet those requirements. In order to be able to spend time with Carmac , I go into work at 8 am, work until 12 or 1, go pick him up from school and then Zed up from school, take them to the house and hang out for an hour helping with homework and then work 5-9. It's a crazy long day but it meets everybody's needs as best as I am able. Obviously, I feel a lot of stress from all the running, running, running I do.

I'm on the Ministry and Counsel committee at Meeting this year. I also facilitated another year of Growing In the Light. I had to email the other members of M&C recently to let them know that I can't take on any more responsibility. I think I said something to the effect that I am obligated to my job and my family and NFM responsibilities are the one area of my life that I feel I have the choice to let go of. I'm not resigning from the committee, I just can't do anything else.

I didn't go to meeting last week; the first time in months and months: Hammy, Carmac and I took a walk instead. I won't be there this Sunday either because we'll be on our way back from Atlanta and then I have to work at 3. I feel pretty ambiguous about this. On the one hand, I know my life is enriched by making NFM an intimate part of my day-to-day life. On the other hand, added responsibility leads to added stress. I am more centered when I attend to my spiritual self with awareness but adding that to my to-do list defeats the purpose. I strive to live in the Light so that my life is a reflection of God's love for me. But I feel so overwhelmed by my current schedule that I'm mostly out of touch with any awareness of that Light in me. On the one hand I know it's OK to be caught up in the householder years and that making my family my priority is acceptable, if not ideal. On the other I think that if I don't have time to be aware of God, something is seriously out of balance. It's almost like sinning in the sense of "falling short of your target". I know what is right and I'm allowing myself to take the easy path.

One of our goals is for Hammy and me to move to an old house near Carmac's school; we've wanted to live there ever since we moved out of that neighborhood 20 years ago. It's the area we love with sidewalks and places to walk and frequent buses. It's a very diverse part of town. In order for that to happen, I have to have this job and the kids have to be in school and we can't go back to the lazy-hazy daze of homeschooling. None of us wants to go back to that; we're all happier where we are now. But we're also more stressed for time.

When I was daydreaming about living in one of the big, old fixer-uppers in that part of town, a door opened and I envisioned having a weekly evening Quaker worship group in my house. It would be informal. We'd welcome everyone. It would be unprogrammed. It would be a Friendly House worship group. An offshoot of NFM. I love NFM and I treasure my relationships with it and with the people of it. But the idea of allowing a new worship dynamic to be born is really exciting to me. At NFM we fully expect Spirit to arise in very established ways; I don't think that collectively we're able to allow ourselves to let Spirit lead us anywhere outside of our comfort zone and I don't think we have the ability to support any individual to do that, either. I long to be in a place that challenges me to grow.

I think that's why I'm feeling NFM is something I can lesson my commitment to. I need to feel actively challenged and supported in my journey to Spirit and I'm not getting that right now. That's one reason I created Growing In the Light last year and organized it this year. And, while I did get a lot out of it, I don't feel challenged by it. I want someone to hold my spiritual feet to the fire and what I got is loving, supportive spiritual group therapy.

I'm not sure where this is leading. I feel a little of the agitation I felt several years ago that lead to me becoming a member of NFM. I feel that perhaps I am ready to grow into something but, natch, I don't know where or what or how. Writing this out helps me to see that settling into comfortable householder years routine is not an option. My soul longs toward God even when I'm so overwhelmed that my jaw aches from grinding my teeth at night from stress. God is. God waits. I flit. I stress. I have glimpses and then I forget. Even when I am at my most thoughtlessly distracted, I am aware that my smile is something I can give, that I can welcome each person I encounter and show them that I'm glad that they are, with my smile. I accept you. I'm glad I see you today. That doesn't seem like much, I know, but when I smile at the guy who keeps our parking lot clean at work or at the person walking past me on the sidewalk, it's a reminder to me that I am a reflection of God's love. I wanna smile like Jesus. When I think of what it must have felt like to encounter Christ (in any Christ-incarnation)--that pureness of intent. I think Jesus must have be free enough of ego to be able to intuit the true face of each person he encountered. And I think that people either responded by feeling pure acceptance and love or absolute, abject fear. I want my smile to be the best reflection of that acceptance and love that I can allow it to be. I want my smile to be an outward gift and an inward prayer.

The Devil in the Details

2009-02-18T09:23:00.000-06:00

For years I've thought I had a fear of failure...
or maybe a fear of success; I'm not sure I know the difference. I think in both instances, what the person is really afraid of is being found out to be a fraud. And yeah, I do have a pretty good amount of that. I mean, I work in a department full of people with multiple advanced degrees. Even some of the janitorial staff were scientist and doctors in their home countries. I do feel like, in some ways, I'm an impostor with my high school diploma, terrible inability to spell accurately, and ridiculously poor math skills. But, I'm really good at my job and I think I'm absolutely up to all the work I'm performing. I know that I am doing well and have contributed very positively to our department (how's that for "work speak"?!).

Up to now, I've really enjoyed my job. I've spent the last two months designing and creating a training program for the new people our department has and will be hiring. Monday, I did the final four hour group instruction. This final class was my baby. The rest of the group instruction was at least somewhat informed by departmental and project protocol requirements. Monday's class, though, was based entirely on research I did into phone interviewing. I studied many research papers and studies that have been done on research study techniques and what works most effectively. I wrote the text, designed the Power Point presentation, wrote example dialog, developed practice scenarios and made a Power Point Jeopardy! game. With the exception of making the mistake of handing out paperwork at the beginning of class that needed to be turned in at the end of class and not having the full attention of the trainees the first few minutes, it went really well. The class was engaged and involved. Lots of good questions were asked. I'm proud of myself. (I won't ever know how much impact that particular module has on the interviewers, though, because we don't have a control group of interviewers who didn't do the training. I'd really be interested, in future, to be able to divide a group of new hires into one set who do this training and the other who doesn't and look at their call outcome rates.)

Anyway, up to now, I've really enjoyed my job. But the supervisors begin working live cases next week and the new hires begin the following week and I've found my mind wandering to "hmmm, I could see myself working (fill in the blank)." Next week, I will be spending at least half my work time making one phone call after another for hours on end. Yes, I will be doing scheduling and other supervisory duties but I will no longer be doing innovative work. And, for this project, we will be following a 90,000 person cohort attempting to get them to participate in a 15 minute survey over the phone: There will be no relationship built, no following individuals and getting to know them--just one phone call after another.

What I've just learned about myself is not that I have a fear of success or failure but that I have an intense fear of boredom. I really do not do well with routine. Somewhere between 10% and 25% of my time spent on administrative duties is about perfect; I am forced to be organized without being boxed in. I LOVED my last two jobs. About a decade ago, I worked for a year and a half as a volunteer coordinator for a non-profit. I did public speaking and recruiting, organizingand supervising volunteer staff. I also wrote for the newsletter and helped organize fundraisers. I got to help with the children's program and got to know the adults in our programs. I did a lot of admin stuff but that was tempered by the wide variety of other duties. And the last seven years I worked as a field interviewer were equally enjoyable because of the diversity of my tasks.

On the one hand, I'm really proud to be in the position I'm in. I desire to do well and grow in the department. I am feeling some amount of ambition. I want to be a success.
On the other hand, I'm starting to panic at the thought of the (to me) mind-numbing routine. This is where the fear of failure comes into play: I am not good about attention to day-to-day detail. When I am bored, I find it impossible to make myself pay attention to detail and I make mistakes. And, of course, the more mistakes I make, the more likely it is that I will be found lacking by my superiors (being found out to be a fraud).

I'm really not sure what to do about this. I've committed to this job. My boss is really relying on me. I know my place and I am intrinsically important. I mean, I know that I'm not indispensable, but I also know that it would be a major pain to have to replace me.

I'm not one to jump on the "better living through pharmaceuticals" bandwagon but I wonder if ADHD meds might help me focus better on the things my brain doesn't see or do well, like details. But then I really think about it and know it would be crazy to medicate in order to fit a particular job.

What I've come to know about myself from this job and looking back over the past decade is that I love doing presentations and trainings. I love speaking to individuals and groups of people. I enjoy motivating people. I'm good at networking and making connections between people and between people and resources. I love organizing people and creating community. I need a small amount of structure but I need to be able to schedule it in my own way. I need to think creatively and innovate and find ways to improve the old or develop the new. I like to teach, but not the same thing over and over.

What kind of work can someone without any college do with those skills and needs? That would be reliable and provide a livable wage, that is.

I'm praying for guidance. And maybe the way opening is for me to stay put and learn the lessons I can learn where I am. I will continue to do the best I am able where I am. I will try to focus and follow-through on the routine stuff to the best of my ability. I will try to find "that of God" in myself and ignore the devil in the details (ha!). I am also very open to suggestions.

Three Weeks In

2008-12-20T06:30:00.004-06:00

Three weeks into my new job (lifestyle). The first week I was all aflounder, having no idea what I was doing or how to do anything. The second week I attained an idea of what my position called for: I began developing a training manual and course for new hires to our call center. I compiled all the VU, VUMC, VEC (VU Epidemiology Center), and department policies and job descriptions into modules and then began writing out specific plans for training people in interviewing techniques. I've made several Power Point presentations and edited and "tidied up" a few others that were in training files. I've begun working in partnership with one of my co-workers to develop a certification process to assure that new phone interviewers are properly trained and ready to contact respondents.

This is quite an exciting place to be. Basically, my new boss has said that our department is on the cusp of growing exponentially and for me to develop a training program for all the people we'll be hiring. I feel kind of daunted by this because I've never done any training or management in this field before but I've done a lot of research and have been on the receiving end of training many times and feel I have a clear enough idea of the "big picture" that I am making a good program.

Everyone in my department is very well educated. No one, outside my boss and her boss, knows that I have no formal schooling beyond high school. This is an Ivy League school; of course education is everything. I'm a little concerned about how people would respond to me if they learned that I am only self-educated. Yesterday, in researching interviewer training, I learned that the man who started NORC (my former employer at the University of Chicago) was uneducated. He was British and came to America to make his fortunes, doing door-to-door sales and then got into polling research and working with Roper and Gallup (the men who started those organizations). He conceived of an opinion research center that worked for the common people and got funding from major sources and support from universities to found what would become NORC. An inspiring "bootstraps" kind of story. I was happy to learn the story, although this was in the early part of last century when far fewer people had any higher education so I can't really apply it to anything in my life.

I am no longer car-free. I haven't ridden the bus in months. I'd go so far as to say I'm car-full, now. I have to drive about 10 miles a day. Carmac's school is one mile West of our house. I drop him off first and drive the 4 or so miles SE to work, dropping Zed off on the way. I park my car on the street next to Centennial Park and walk a couple of blocks to work. The weather has been rainstormy and very gloomy and chill lately. I really enjoy the walk, regardless of the weather. I wish I could leave for work earlier and park a little farther away so I could have a longer walk, but getting the boys to school on-time and not too early and then me to work on-time is a juggling act. And driving my scooter is not a possibility as I have to drop both boys off (unless we wanted to look like the photos one sees of Asian or Indian families of 3 or 4 or 5 all on a scooter). This is what I need:

I'm going to be saving all my checks for the next couple of months to buy a reliable car. To me, a car is a tool, nothing more; literally a vehicle to get me from point A to point B. I know I need something in which my three kids can ride comfortably with room for an extra kid or our dog. I need something very affordable. And I feel strongly that I want something fuel efficient and environmentally friendly (a relative concept, I know). I'm pretty sure I can't afford a hybrid. I'd love a vegetable oil biodiesel but I think it would be hard to find a reliable one that meets my specs. Generally, I enjoy researching things but I simply don't care anything about automobiles (scooters, motorcycles and autorickshaws, yes; cars, no) and feel overwhelmed by all the choices. I'm happy to learn from others and to take suggestions into consideration!

And where, I ask myself, is Spirit in my life right now? I know Spirit to be waiting patiently for me to get my head together and remember to become aware. God is not distant: I am. When life gets busy, immediate awareness of Spirit is the first thing I let go of; probably because I didn't have a very firm grasp in the first place. Thank God for grace.

Worry Night

2008-12-15T06:32:00.004-06:00

I am not, by nature, a worrier. I have been blessed by the temperament which allows me to work on fixing problems which are within my control and letting go of all the other problems. I don't carry burdens around. I don't fret. I'm not one for floor pacing or nail biting.

I have a couple of friends and a mother who are worriers. They'll worry about most anything. If they speak with a stranger in a store check-out line and the stranger mentions she is having difficulty finding affordable trousers to fit her teen son, they'll worry about the stranger and her son. If they hear a news story about a child born on the other side of the world with a rare disease, they'll worry about the child, his parents, siblings, doctors and community. They carry burdens for family, friends, people they went to Elementary school with. They'll worry about things that other people insist are not problems. They'll worry about things that may someday become problems. They'll worry that they worry too much. They'll worry that other people don't worry enough.

As I said, I'm not like that. I own what is in my control and I am able to set down what is not. Except...about one night every six months or so: I call them worry nights. I have no prior indication when a worry night will come on; nothing presages a worry night and no particular thing seems to cause one, they just happen, like the weather (and another thing to not worry about: It's beyond my control so I don't worry). Last night was a worry night. I began by worrying about a potentially hurtful situation I may have inadvertently caused a loved one, which I can't mitigate. But the worry grew like fungus on a cold, damp wall. I worried about my job and my children. I worried about the old, junker car Hammy's parents have loaned me. I worried about the Nashville school system. I worried about the fact that I'd like to go to a fund-raiser at a school a friend teaches at but that I'll be too busy and tired to be able to go. I worried about having to work the day after Christmas and missing my in-laws' gathering and that they'll feel like I'm avoiding them. And then I moved on to the bigger world. I worried about pollution, about pedophiles, about genocide in Rwanda. I worried about things so far beyond my control as to almost, if they weren't so real and so horrifying, be laughable.

And now, on the sunrise of a new day, the worries have been worried and I can let go of them. The worry night is over and gone and I certainly won't worry about when the next one will visit me.

Making Room for New

2008-11-26T07:32:00.004-06:00

I watched the film "Outsourced" last night. It's a lightweight movie about a guy who's job is outsourced to India and who has to go to India to train his replacement and staff in order to keep a position with the company. He resents being there, develops intestinal distress, behaves imperialistically...yadda, yadda, yadda, transformation...falls in love with a woman and the country. It was pretty formulaic but still, not a bad movie. Carmac and Zed watched it with me and they both enjoyed it.

During the first half of the movie, the American guy is pretty unnerved by depictions of Kali. His soon-to-be love interest (not to give the plot away, or anything) finally explains that Kali is the god of change and that if you want change, you should pray to Kali to destroy something (which he does and then Kali does and they all live happily ever...).

It seems to me that it should take either great courage or great ignorance to pray for something to be destroyed. To know that something was so drastically ill-fitting in one's life that one was willing to allow for the total destruction of something in order to make room for the new. I know I have been at points in my life when I would willingly have placed myself in that position. The thing is, though, that one would not have any say-so over what would be destroyed. The old "be careful what you wish for" syndrome. Of course, change is gonna happen whether we're ready for it or not. And sometimes the lesson is to learn from the place you are that feels so ill fitting. Sometimes what has to change are our perceptions or assumptions. Sometimes what has to change is our unwillingness to accept things as they are. And sometimes, on rare occasions, things actually have to blow up in order to make room for the growth that needs to take place.

My intention for today is to be aware of letting go of what is no longer needed in order to make space for new growth.

Homeschooling No More: Moving on...

2008-11-20T17:07:00.004-06:00

Today I am officially no longer, after 12 and a half years, a homeschooling mother. My youngest son was enrolled in Kindergarten today and, to my surprise, said he would like to start school tomorrow rather than December 1st as we'd been planning.

This huge lifestyle change has been brought about by a fantastic job that has fallen in my lap. I will be supervising staff doing medical research study phone interviewing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center. I'm being hired for a 90,000 cohort cancer epidemiology study but the department I'll be in will be growing and, as it expands, I'll be learning each study that we do so I can train and supervise staff for each one. It's a really exciting job for me with great potential for growth and opportunity to learn new things. And it pays well and Vandy benefits are the best (free MTA bus rides! Discount tickets to lots and lots of cultural events! Paid tuition for my children after five years of employment!!!).

How it all went down was this: The project I was doing for the other university ended and there was no work coming up in the foreseeable future. I'd started letting people know that I was kind of beginning to look for a new gig but I hadn't even really decided whether I wanted to work part-time or try to enroll in school (with what money, exactly?). A friend from Friends Meeting works at Vandy and sent me the job description for this job. I filled out the application. Two business days later I got a call from the woman who will be my boss, S___, asking when I can come in to interview. I met with her and the head of the department the next day at which time I was shown where my desk will be and introduced to some of my staff. S___ called a couple of days later to say that what I'm bring to the staff will be experience that they are lacking and so I will round them out. She said they want me, but it was up to human resources to do the background check and then make an offer. Apparently that felony for the palanquin hijacking didn't show up because HR made me an offer of MORE than was in the range of the original job posting. I go in tomorrow to sign my contract and then go through orientation on December 1 and 2. I'll start in my real job the following day.

I keep feeling like I should pinch myself to see if I'm awake. S___ homeschools her teenager and totally understood my spotty work history. My job-before-last was working with families of prisoners--Sara's husband is a probation officer. She's been aware of my former university's reputation for in research interviewing for a long time and so was really excited to have my experience join her team! I feel so validated! I'm quite sure that if I had a college degree I wouldn't have much trouble finding a job. Having no college, though, makes finding meaningful and decently paying work something of a miracle. And I feel a miracle has occurred. My office is on the eighth floor of the building that overlooks Centennial Park, for heaven's sake! A good friend, who homeschooled her children for years and who also now works at Vandy, called to check on me and said: "It's like you're a real adult now!" and I totally know what she means.

Bittersweet are beginnings as they signify, also, an ending. The ending of an era, a very powerful identity, a bond with my children. The beginning of seeing myself as an (dare I say) academic wage-earner. The beginning of having three children in public schools. The beginning of a new autonomy but a much tighter schedule and greater chaos. I am ready for these changes and I welcome them. I think it will be a little hard leaving my little one at school tomorrow (mitigated by the fact that next week is Thanksgiving break and all the kids will be home) but he's excited and so am I. Change is good.

God Is Reigning

2008-11-19T07:55:00.003-06:00

Jesus said, "God's reign is within you." That can be read the way we Quakers interpret it: Each and every one of us has "that of God" within us. Or, it can be read to mean "whenever two or more of you are gathered in my name there is love". Both interpretations work for me.
Jesus said, "The realm of God is now." He wasn't saying the kingdom of God is some pie-in-the-sky heavenly reward. He said NOW.
What does that mean? It means this is God's world. We are all children of God. We are all the body of Christ. God is among us, prompting us to do God's work. All we have to do is to become aware and alive to that reality.
What would it be like if we all lived as if we believed that? What would we do? (What would we not do?) How would the world be transformed? How would we, as individuals, be transformed? How would I live if I truly lived under the reign of God?

Dark of the Moon--My Boy is an ACTOR!

2008-11-14T08:09:00.003-06:00

I went to the opening of the play "Dark of the Moon" last night at Nashville School of the Arts. Declan has the lead in it. I was shocked at how good he is in it! My son is an actor...I mean, he can really act! He wasn't just reciting his lines, he was really delivering them with feeling. He's got presence and charisma. The first thing that happens in the first act is that the troupe of "witches" dances with "Witch-boy". Who knew my son could dance? He doesn't do anything fancy or elaborate but he moves with grace and makes the dancers look really good.

The play is a Romeo and Juliette type love story on a sort of cosmic good versus evil elemental level and is full of dark and fear-full emotions. Dec shows a good range, from tender love to dark anger and does it with real feeling and depth.

Today's Tennessean has an article promoting the play with a picture of Declan and his co-lead, Hanna. When they post the photo on-line, I'll add the image here.

I'm so proud of my son! I'm proud of him for doing so well but I'm also proud of him for being willing to challenge himself and move outside of what's easy and comfortable. Dec dancing! It was beautiful to me.

He's Six Years Old Today!

2008-11-13T08:18:00.003-06:00

Today is my beloved youngest son's birthday. He's getting so big. I will post more about this soon but he will be enrolled in Kindergarten very soon, which will be a huge change for him. He can't wait! He's such an extrovert and has been very lonely being at home with only his mom for company.

Hammy has taken the day off of work and we're taking Carmac out for waffles for breakfast and then meeting some friends at the zoo (if the weather clears up). It's going to be a good, fun, C-centered day. We'll pick Zed up from school and come home to open presents.

Declan has the lead in the school play that opens tonight so I'll be going to that (mature themes so it's not appropriate for the birthday boy).

Tomorrow night, C has been invited to his first sleepover at his friend Makenna's house. He's going through a bit of separation anxiety at night so I've been invited to stay to and participate in a "mama sleepover" too. Should be fun!

Jesus the Beacon

2008-11-11T16:18:00.003-06:00

Last Sunday, for 2nd hour (adult ed for those of you who are not Quaker), we discussed the meaning of Jesus. I sat and listened to what others had to say. I am in the process of testing what I perceive to be leadings to speak in Meeting by not speaking when I get that impending feeling of agitation so I can learn to discern if it comes from me and my ego (and nerves) or if it is truly a message given me by Spirit. I felt a leading to speak but didn't. And then I got home from Meeting and finished the funny, lightweight novel I was reading (the first book in Jasper Fford's "Jack Spratt" series: The Big Over Easy) and picked up the next book in my library book pile which coincidentally happened to be The Gospel of Jesus by James M Robinson.

Any scholarship of the historical Jesus seems to get really convoluted by the fact that there are no original source documents in existence. The author refers to Q and Gospel of Thomas as well as the synoptic Gospels and John. I'm only on the second chapter but what I learned in the first chapter is that the earliest Christian "church" was divided between Jewish "Christians" and Gentile ones. The Jewish followers of Jesus recorded his words more and the Gentiles wrote more in narrative. The Gentile writings were the ones that were included in the biblical canon: the "legitimate" version of Jesus' message. I have to say that when I discovered the Gospel of Thomas and other Gnostic writings, it was like I was learning about Jesus with new eyes. What I read was so fresh and right I was really moved by the truth of it. When I couple that with the Aramaic and back to English translations of Jesus' words, his teachings come alive for me.

The Bible says we are made in God's image and I believe that. I believe we, each of us, is made in God's image and that each of us, in our own perfect way, has the potential to reflect God. Each of us has "that of God" within us. Many of us get glimpses of knowing that; most of us make choices that keep us totally removed from any awareness of the Light within. A few holy ones, though, are aware and alive to God's Light burning inside. Jesus was such a beacon. He was aware of his purpose in this life and took seriously his role as teacher and guide.

I was surprised that I enjoyed the movie The Matrix as I don't usually like Hollywood forms of entertainment. One of my sons made me sit down and watch it and the idea of illusion and deeper reality struck me. But I was disappointed that the movie was really only about the good guys versus the bad guy when the potential for spiritual lesson was so obvious to me.

I see God as the light, the energy (love) that runs through everything. Everything. Most of us only see, know, understand this world, what we can touch and see and experience physically. For us, this is it. Some people think they understand about heaven and hell but still, what happens here and now is all there is. But the way I see it is that God permeates and lives in everything and goes beyond what we know to be reality. Which is not to say that this world is illusion...more what I'm saying is that this world is very important and each of us has important lessons to learn here but this world is not all there is. The most important thing we have to learn is that God is All; God supports and undergirds everything there is: God is the foundation. I don't think there's any "moving on" until a soul learns that lesson. We're all One in God. Most of us are just struggling to remember God one bajillionth of the time. But Jesus knew. Jesus had that awareness of God in him and lived with God, reflecting God to this world, reminding us that God is with us always.

And the death and resurrection of Christ? Some people have a problem with the literal act of the resurrection--the miracle. If God is God (which, of course, God is), I imagine that the resurrection could and probably did literally take place. But, I think the significance of it is not that it "proves" the Divinity of Christ. I understand the death and resurrection of Jesus to be symbolic of how each of us must ultimately learn to "die to self" in order to live in God. Jesus said for his followers to "take up your cross and follow me". It's about learning to transcend ego attachment and letting God live through us. The salvation comes in really knowing that we all have that of God in us and living accordingly. Everything is God given; even, and especially, our egos. Salvation comes through learning that our ego is that which God gave us to use to reflect God; letting go of self in order to use self for God. I'm in the drivers seat and salvation is understanding that God is the navigator and without God, I don't have a clue where I'm going (although I'm usually quite positive I do).

Shit...I say this as if I had it all figured out. Like I said earlier: Many of us get glimpses. This world has a powerful pull. This action. This sensation. This thought. This moment. They're all spiderwebs trapping intention. They're all the mailman knocking at the Chihuahua's door. As I've written before, I believe that Grace is being able to start over as many times as necessary. I don't think God is counting how many times we fail. What I imagine is that God rejoices every time we begin anew, every time we get a glimpse and let it guide us, even if only for a moment.

Angel From Montgomery

2008-11-08T09:08:00.004-06:00

I awoke with this John Prine song in my head this morning:

I am an old woman named after my mother
My old man is another child thats grown old
If dreams were lightning thunder was desire
This old house would have burnt down a long time ago

Chorus: Make me an angel that flies from montgomry
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go

When I was a young girl well, I had me a cowboy
He werent much to look at, just free rambling man
But that was a long time and no matter how I try
The years just flow by like a broken down dam.

Chorus

Theres flies in the kitchen I can hear em there buzzing
And I aint done nothing since I woke up today.
How the hell can a person go to work in the morning
And come home in the evening and have nothing to say.

Chorus

the A word

2008-10-27T13:18:00.005-06:00

I am a Christian but I support a woman's right to have an abortion. I am a feminist but I am uncomfortable with abortion past quickening and opposed to third trimester abortion. I don't think abortion is a sin. I do think abortion has the potential to deeply wound individual women. I think safe and legal abortion is absolutely necessary. I also think a healthy society should do everything possible to prevent unplanned and unwanted pregnancies.

I have had five pregnancies (that I was aware of), only one of which was planned. Three of my pregnancies resulted in live births, two of them ended in first trimester miscarriages. I have never had an abortion.

I became sexually active at 16. I was in a committed, loving relationship with a responsible young man. If I had gotten pregnant as a teen, I probably would have chosen to have an abortion. The reason was real to me then but now seems ironic. If I had gotten pregnant when I was 16 or 17 I would have had an abortion because I wouldn't have wanted the shame or scandal of being a pregnant teenage girl in my community, particularly in my church. I heard people say really mean things about pregnant girls and I wouldn't have wanted to be the one talked about; I didn't think I could handle the weight of the scorn. Pretty funny, when you think about it, that the church community that spent so much energy telling me abortion is a sin was the very reason I would have had one. But I was lucky. My boyfriend and I took lots of chances, had lots of unprotected sex but we never became pregnant (I did loosely practice a form of Natural Family Planning that I read about in a book at the home of a Catholic family I babysat for). I don't really understand why we didn't but I'm grateful that I never had to make that life or death decision and I'm especially grateful I didn't "have" to get married at 16, which, of course, would have been the other option. I shudder when I think of who I would now be if I'd been forced to marry at 16.

When I got pregnant with my oldest child I was 24, newly divorced from my first husband, unemployed with no health insurance, without a home of my own, carless and in a very casual relationship. I was the poster-child for instability. But I knew in my heart and in my mind that I wanted my baby and that I could care for him; almost the instant I was aware that I was pregnant, I loved him deeply. I never really even considered having an abortion. I firmly believed that everything would work out fine because it HAD to work out fine, and it did. I got a nanny gig that would allow me to bring my baby to work with me, moved in with Hammy and even paid the midwife in total before the baby's birth. Although on paper I appeared to be unstable, I actually had good internal resources and a supportive community to help me.

However, just because having the baby was the right decision for me doesn't mean it would be a good choice for another woman.

There are many reasons why abortion should be legal. Mainly, though, no woman should ever be forced to birth and raise a child she does not want. And no child should ever grow up without being loved and cherished. I think abortion is far preferable to a child being emotionally or physically neglected or abused. I think it would damage a woman's spirit and/or psyche less to have an early stage abortion than to give birth to and raise a baby she resented and didn't love.

I guess my sorta belief in reincarnation partially allows for my acceptance of abortion. Our souls, the Light within each of us, is a part of Divine Energy. Here on Earth or wherever we're part of God. Sometimes an individual soul has a journey to make on this Earth that takes 80 or 90 years and sometimes the journey is only for a few days; whatever the length of the journey, we'll all reunited with the One again, ultimately. I think that if abortion is a sin, it's only a sin if the woman believes it is and allows the guilt of making the choice to come between her and God. Which is not to say that if a woman does not think abortion is a sin she should enter into it lightly. Abortion should always be a deep, heavy and very well supported decision.

I know people who feel very differently about this issue who's opinions I respect. I don't think I have the answer for everyone, only for myself, and even then it evolves. I don't think anyone should make decisions for other people but that each person should be trusted and supported to make the decisions that best meet their own needs.

Nashville Friends Meeting Retreat

2008-10-24T06:11:00.003-06:00

This weekend is the yearly Nashville Friends Meeting retreat. My feelings about it have waffled back and forth between really looking forward to it and feeling a good amount of stress over the planning of it but I think Diana and Linda have the planning under control and it will go well. I'm learning what a great and reliable person Diana is; she's an absolute pleasure to work with. Linda's more like me, she works in fits of enthusiasm. She's been sick and called last night to say she won't be able to go on the retreat because she has pneumonia in both lungs. I hate that she's worked so hard to get everything ready and won't be able to enjoy it but her body really needs total rest.

I'm taking my 3 boys plus Declan's girlfriend and one of Zed's best friends. Bonnie, Doug and Sophie are also teenagers who will be there. I'm going to get a cabin for all the young people and me to sleep in ala SAYF. I'm pretty sad that Finn won't have a peer but there will be lots of adults and teens to engage with him. I'm looking forward to being with this dynamic and truly wonderful group of young people! They interact with one another beautifully; they're respectful of one another and really loving. I think the weekend will be relaxing and unifying.

Liberal Christian Homeschoolers

2008-10-23T06:09:00.003-06:00

I started a new googlegroup for liberal Christian homeschoolers yesterday. I've been part of an "inclusive" group for years. The people in the group are great but few are Christian and the atmosphere can be pretty hostile against fundamentalism which kind of bleeds over into all Christianity by name association. I'm needing to talk with others who follow the teachings of Jesus and who are learning to get in touch with Spirit. I feel really good that I've taken this step and reached out. I've already (virtually) met some interesting people and I can't wait to learn more with and from them!

I do wish I had a better term to use than Liberal Christian. The true meaning of liberal is accurate, but the word is so loaded full of connotations in our society that using that word sort of seems weighted. But I don't like defining myself by negatives, either: "non religious right Christian" or "non-fundamentalist Christian" or whatever. I am very open to suggestions for other words I can use.

Geography of Light

2008-10-22T12:09:00.003-06:00

I'm listening to Carrie Newcomer's "Geography of Light" today. Her voice is like coming home. And her lyrics are like a guidepost showing the way. I've been a fan of hers since way back in her earliest days playing in Stone Soup. Even back then, when I was at my cynical best, the grace of her songs touched my heart. I was quite delighted, though not at all surprised, to learn a year or so ago, that she is a practicing Quaker.

On a Wing and a Prayer

2008-10-19T07:22:00.003-06:00

Heidi and I will be co-leading the Growing In the Light today with the topic of prayer. We came upon the idea of making prayer beads so I went to Hobby Lobby last night and bought a buncha beads and bracelet elastic (I was out). The good news is that most of the beading supplies were half off. The bad new is that I went crazy and bought a bunch of beads to make gifts for Christmas, too and spent almost $60 total. Gulp.

We've never done a craft project for one of our GItL meetings so I'm not sure how this will go over but I think it will be received pretty well. Of course, I've waited until the very last minute to do the actual work (we leave for Meeting in 2 minutes and I just finished printing) but I feel OK about it. My main focus will be on intercessory prayer and praying without ceasing. I am using several books and have printed out quotes from each. I though we'd do a worship/sharing on the Queries at the end. Here's what I've copied:

From “Living In the Presence” by Tilden Edwards:

“The mind is a child of the Spirit, but it likes to run away from home.” -Gerald May

“The Latin root of our word prayer is precaria, “precarious.’”

From Catherine Whitmire’s book “Plain Living”:

To pray is to be vulnerably open to God’s unpredictable grace.-Patricia Loring

In prayer it is a matter of being present where we are.-Douglas Steere

My own belief is that outward circumstances are not often (I will not say never) directly altered as a result of prayer. That is to say, God is not always interfering with the working of the natural order….Prayer is not given to us to make life easy for us, or to coddle us, but to make us strong….We pray, not to change God’s will, but to bring our wills into correspondence with God’s.-William Littleboy

In prayer, the seeds of concern have a way of appearing. Often enough, a concern begins in a feeling of being personally liable, personally responsible, for someone or some event. With it there may come an intimation that one should do some little thing: speak to some person, make an inquiry into a certain situation, write a letter, send some money, send a book….But this seed is given us to follow, and if we do not follow it, we cannot expect to see what may grow from it. Seeds, not fruit, are given in prayer, but they are given for planting.-Douglas Steere

In…intercessory prayer there is a consciousness that your act of prayer enters into a great sweep of intercession that is already going on….William Temple, the late Archbishop of Canterbury, speaking of his own practice of intercessory prayer, would say on this point, “When I pray, coincidences happen, and when I do not, they don’t.”…

How, then, shall we lay hold of that Life and Power, and live the life of prayer without ceasing? By quiet, persistent practice in turning of all our being, day and night, in prayer and inward worship and surrender, toward the One, who calls in the deeps of our souls….Begin now, as you read these words, as you sit in your chair, to offer your whole selves, utterly and in joyful abandon, in quiet glad surrender to the One who is within….Walk and talk and work and laugh with your friends. But behind the scenes keep up the life of simple prayer and inward worship. Keep it up throughout the day. Let inward prayer be your last act before you fall asleep and the first act when you awake.
-Thomas R. Kelly

From “Listening Spirituality” by Patricia Loring:

Pray as you can, not as you can’t.-Dom John Chapman

Certainly intercessory prayer is not to be undertaken lightly. We may say blithely, “I’ll pray for you.” If we do in fact pray with integrity, with our hearts rather than just our lips, we will probably not be able to remain in a light-hearted mode, separate from that for which we pray. Like any other prayer, to enter it in Spirit and in Truth, is to open ourselves to the incalculable ways of the divine, to invite the unexpected, to risk being changed or confronted with the necessity of change. Willingness for that to happen is a prerequisite.

One of the first of the costs of intercessory prayer is that we come face to face with the limitations of our understanding of the ways in which situations and events arise, come into being, interact and change. We must give over a measure of the security we derive from thinking we know something of how the world works. To truly hold someone or something in the Light requires acknowledging the limited understanding, perhaps even our desire to see clearly, in order to be open to the unknown future, bringing the needs of others with us.

From “Plain Living:
Queries
-What process do I use to listen and “pay attention to the deepest thing I know”?
-Do I pay attention to the “seeds of concern” for others that may come to me in prayer? Do I act on them?
-Do I look for the “coincidences” that happen when I pray?

unemployment sucks

2008-10-14T18:39:00.002-06:00

Well, dang. So, I'm unemployed again. We're broke. And Edgar Meyer and Chris Thile are playing next Tuesday. I love Edgar Meyer; he's

one of my all-time favorite musicians.

And, I

just learned that Billy Bragg released a CD

back in April that I now am dying to own. I'm crazy about Billy Bragg's music and his vision of the world.

Zoinkies. I'd better learn to live simply or simply learn to stop looking at music listings. Missing out on things that move me is kinda painful.

"Turn that noise down!"

2008-10-13T14:28:00.003-06:00

Exactly when did I get so old, I'd like to know. How did it happen? I still feel like me but now I'm an adult--I no longer have the opportunity to die before I grow old, not that I wanted to or anything, but it's always nice to have options.

Today, I had parent/teacher conferences at my two older boys' schools and heaven help me if I didn't relate better-for the first time in my life-to the teachers! Don't get me wrong: I still HATE school uniforms and think they are ridiculous and would happily support whichever young people would like to actively protest at the board of education against them. But...the chemistry teacher that my son railed against so loudly about on our way to the school: He's really nice. And Z's middleschool English teacher: I could see us being friends.

And this weekend, I was a Friendly Adult Presence (FAP) at the Southern Appalachia Young Friends (SAYF) retreat. I love being with the teens but had to actively work to remember the feelings and emotions of teen years (except the everpresent sexual tension, which I remember with great fondness). I happily sat and talked with the other adults. I slept in a room with several young women. At one point, another FAP came into the room to see if there was room on the floor for her sleeping bag. After she left, one of the girls-a very sweet but very blunt 13 year old, said "I hope this doesn't become the old geezer room". ME?! A GEEZER??? Ouch.

Except the music. Most folks my age and older have really lame taste in music. But then, most young folks listen to either really lame music or music that I've never heard of or music that hurts my brain. Ok, what I mean is that it's hard to find many people with similar taste in music to my own. So that I wouldn't have to listen to iPod playlists put together by disco aficionados or heavy metal enthusiasts, I brough my own stack of cds; music I thought the teens might enjoy: Violent Femmes, XTC, Talking Heads, Ani Defranco, Billy Bragg, the Replacements "Pleased to Meet Me". No one mutinied so I guess it was tolerable to them. Oh yeah, I did try to sneak in some Woody Guthrie which got made fun of and removed from the playlist in it's third track, but I think I did pretty well with the rest of my choices.

Rock on.

Extricating Myself from the Web

2008-10-09T20:04:00.002-06:00

This may be incredibly obvious to y'all but it was a bit of a light-bulb thing for me:

I check my email frequently. Like, probably every two hours or so. I also read the headlines every 3-4 hours, do a crossword type word puzzle with breakfast and usually checkout what's going on at a couple of politically liberal websites and read new posts on a couple of blogs I follow closely (jeez, writing that makes it seem like I'm on-line a LOT which it doesn't feel like I am but then, when I'm conducting the social survey that I've done 4 times, one of the questions is how much TV people watch and invariably, people say "hardly any" when it turns out they usually watch at least 2 and oftentimes 4 hours a day! I feel tremendously superior because I don't watch TV at all-well, I have watched the debates but that's all. But now, seeing it in writing, I see that I waste as much time just in a different way). I'm an habitual multi-tasker; as I last posted, I get bored really quickly: I feel I need constant stimulation. One thing I've done for a long time is to have a game of "spider solitaire" going all the time on the computer so when I'm waiting for a website to load, I always click on the game to keep me occupied. I also often wind up playing to the end of the game and maybe another one each time I get off-line, thus wasting a great amount of time collectively. Yesterday, after I did my 30 seconds of actual meditation, I thought about how I can live my life as a prayer. Hmmmm. I thought about what it would take for me to make that leap and had the idea that I could just try to ask myself where God is in the moment, each time I have the momentary awareness of God. But, there's not really that much time in which I am aware. And I started thinking about what I do everyday-that makes me more aware of God's presence in my life and what makes me oblivious to God. The Chihuahua needing constant entertaining definitely keeps me heedless of God; you might say the Chihuahua is Satan, if you're inclined to think that way (which I'm not, although I do see my own ego and love of constant stimulation as being a major sin of mine). So, I thought that I'd do just one thing less to keep the Chihuahua entertained and, duh-the lightbulb, decided to try to live without spider solitaire for a day. And you know, although I found myself habitually opening it up, I was able to stop, close it and each time I did, I was also able to ask myself where God was in the action I was taking. Like, where is God in my response to this email? Where is God in me learning more things to dislike about Sarah Palan? Where is God in reading the blog of my dear friend who has cancer? Where is God in me playing this word game? It was a very centering practice. I did it again today, not to as good effect because I was really busy with work all day and very distracted by my schedule when I checked my emails (I actually wouldn't have checked email at all except that I'm in the middle of organizing a couple of group activities which I've messed the dates up on and am trying to get the mess I've made straightened out).

I've got four interviews to conduct before noon tomorrow, do a bunch of paperwork and then have to pack up my laptop and all my work project related stuff to take to FedEx and pack all my stuff and be to the meetinghouse by 4:00 tomorrow so I can drive a vanfull of teens to the SAYF retreat in Asheville for the weekend. It's gonna be CRAZY. The good thing is that D and Z are out of school tomorrow so they can help with Carmac. I'm not really in the frame of mind to go on a retreat; I've been running on Chihuahua adrenaline for the last week or so. I think, though, that the wonderful Quaker young people will demonstrate for me how to be in the moment. I love just sitting back and watching them interact with one another.

the Chihuahua in the Mirror

2008-10-07T11:17:00.002-06:00

I've committed to my spiritual discipline for this coming year via my commitment to Growing In the Light spiritual formation group. Praying every day is one of my ways of drawing closer to God (duh). (ideally, all my thoughts and actions would be prayer). I generally try to spend several minutes in prayer each morning but lately, the Chihuahua has been getting into speed or something because I can not get her to stop yapping and running in circles. Monkey mind has nothing on this hyperactive little dog. Sheesh.
So, this morning I tried to pray and got distracted by this, that and everything else. And I thought, "this dog is running my life! I need to learn to tame the chihuahua". I've read about and studied on and done everything with meditation except to ever really learn to meditate. I think meditation is the best way to try to give the chihuahua some amount of discipline. I know that I can't clear my mind-there is no way I can not think or think of nothing. That whole "clouds across a sky" imagery gets too convoluted for me because first the cloud is a bunny then it morphs into a horse and then the chihuahua is off and yipping. I decided to breathe in four counts, breathe out four counts and focus on my breathing. Which I did for probably 2 or 3 minutes (which is GREAT for me, believe it or not) when I found my attention beginning to wander a bit. I pulled it back to "breath in, breath out" a couple of times..."breathe in, breathe out...what time is my first appointment this morning?...breathe in, breathe..did I just hear Carmac? What's he doing awake already? He needs more...breathe in, breathe out...breathe in, breathe out...man, this is boring". ?!! Yes. I said boring. My mind being even remotely still for a moment I found to be boring. Wow. That is incredibly telling. I use the chihuahua to keep me entertained and occupied. I love my rapid-cycle mental acrobatics. I love running in circles and yapping at every passing whim; they stimulate me and keep me on my toes. I am Walter Mitty. I am the Incredible Mr. Limpett. I am not rooted in reality.

Obviously, I need to work on this. I will go think about it right now. Yip, yip, yip.

There's a Light

2008-10-04T06:58:00.003-06:00

I read an interview with John Records, who runs a shelter called COTS for homeless people in Petaluma, in the September issue of The Sun magazine. This quote by him really spoke to me:

It hurts sometimes to see people making what seem
like avoidable mistakes. I work with clients who have led terrible hard lives, and a few have a chip on their shoulder, but that attitude might be all that's left of their dignity and self-respect. I can understand that. The prayer of Saint Francis is essential to my perspective:
Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is
darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.
The amount of despair, darkness, and sadness in the world is just staggering. So regardless of whether you can help someone put his or her life back together, there is darkness you can light, despair to which you can offer hope. It doesn't really matter whether you think someone can be helped. It's great when it works out that way, but that's not necessarily why you do it.

"What Light" is a song by Wilco:
If you feel like singing a song
And you want other people to sing along
Then just sing what you feel
Don't let anyone say it's wrong

And if you're trying to paint a picture
But you're not sure which colors belong
Just paint what you see
Don't let anyone say it's wrong

And if you're strung out like a kite
Or stung awake in the night
It's alright to be frightened
When there's a light
What light
There's a light
What light
There's a light
White light
Inside of you

You think you might need somebody
To pick you up when you drag
Don't lose sight of yourself
Don't let anyone change you back

And if the whole world's singing your songs
And all you're paintings have been hung
Just remember what was yours is everyone's from now on

And that's not wrong or right
But you can struggle with it all you like
You'll only get uptight

When there's a light
What light
There's a light
What light
There's a light
White light
There's a light
White light
There's a light
One light
There's a light
White light
There's a light
One light
There's a light
White light
There's a light
One light
There's a light
One light
There's a light
White light
There's a light
White light
Inside of you

There's a light
White light
There's a light
White light
There's a light
White light
There's a light
One light

The Spirit of Who Needs Plans

2008-09-28T06:13:00.004-06:00

We started our second Nashville Friends Meeting's Growing In the Light spiritual formation group yesterday. We did an all-day retreat at the meetinghouse and will continue it until around 5:00 this afternoon with a break to participate in Meeting for Worship and then lunch. We're doing a lot of talking about spiritual practices and our own personal journeys. The main theme, this year, is that we're working through a series of exercises leading us to each write our own spiritual mission statement. I've been working on pulling this together for months and months so I'm actually pretty bored with the exercises but everyone else seems to be enjoying them and I do like the discussions about them.

Yesterday, I awoke with a headache and uncovered that I was actually pretty stressed about leading this GItL. Last year, Caroline and I worked together and it was our first time and so I felt less pressure to "perform". This year, Caroline couldn't do it and no one else volunteered to help, and of course, now that I've done it before I should know what I'm doing. Well, you know that I'm always flying by the seat of my pants (where in the world does that phrase come from? I must look it up sometime) and never really feel like I have a grip on what I'll be doing before I just plunge in (or take off, if it's a flying metaphor). In spite of that, I think yesterday went well. We had eight people and two others are to join us today; a variety of beliefs and life experiences within bounds of white, middle class and pretty well educated (we have 3 therapists in our group!). I do hope that one of these wonderful people steps up to offer to help me. I'm such a big idea person and I'm not very good with tasks. I just need someone to remind me of what I committed to do while it's still helpful to others to get it done.

I've got big-time chihuahua brain going on right now. I've actually been praying a lot but my prayers are mostly intercessory prayers for people I know and love who are having a hard time. I don't feel very close to Spirit, though I know Spirit is there: the distance is mine and not deliberate.

Flying By the Seat of One's Pants from phrases.org

This is early aviation parlance. Aircraft
initially had few navigation aids and flying was accomplished by means of the
pilot's judgment. The term emerged in the 1930s and was first widely used in reports of Douglas Corrigan's flight from the USA to Ireland in 1938.
That flight was reported in many US newspapers of the day, including this piece, entitled 'Corrigan Flies By The Seat Of His Pants', in The Edwardsville Intelligencer, 19th July 1938:
"Douglas Corrigan was described as an aviator
'who flies by the seat of his pants' today by a mechanic who helped him rejuvinate the plane which airport men have now nicknamed the 'Spirit of $69.90'. The old flying expression of 'flies by the seat of his trousers' was explained by Larry Conner, means going aloft without instruments, radio or other such luxuries."
Two days before this report Corrigan had submitted a flight
plan to fly from Brooklyn to California. He had previously had a plan for a trans-Atlantic flight rejected (presumably on the grounds that the 'Spirit of $69.90 wasn't considered up to the job). His subsequent 29 hour flight ended in Dublin, Ireland. He claimed that his compasses had failed. He didn't openly admit it but it was widely assumed that he had ignored the rejection of his
flight plan and deliberately flown east rather than west. He was thereafter known as 'Wrong Way Corrigan' and starred as himself in the 1938 movie The
Flying Irishman.
The 'old flying expression' quoted above (although it can't
have been very old in 1938) that refers to trousers rather than pants does
suggest that the phrase was originally British and crossed the Atlantic (the
right way) prior to becoming 'flies by the seat of one's pants'.

Wow! Wrong Way Corrigan is totally crushworthy! Who knew? He's cute and funny and wacky! Now I've got to run to the library and pick his movie up. Wheee!

(And didn't that just totally prove the chihuahua brain...)

Lesson in Humility- Redux

2008-09-25T11:47:00.003-06:00

Yeah boy, see how far I've come. I wrote about my increasing awareness of my own snobbery and class bias and then, in my very next blogpost, I used a term that I find incredibly offensive to describe someone who I felt to be "less than" me. I awoke this morning with the words ringing in my ears and feel a deep sense of shame to have used them. Nevermind the fact that many people have no problem with this term; it is terribly offensive on many levels to me and I used it anyway.
Here's what I wrote:

"His mother worked in the laundry room of the hospital.
She was (pardon the expression) "white trash": Old couch on the front porch, go out in public with holes in her clothes kind of poor. I really don't know how he got the ambition that he had but he wasn't like the rest of his family."

I was even aware enough of what I was doing as to "apologize" before writing it, in the "pardon my french" kind of way. How utterly hypocritical.
So, why did I do it? I was writing about my first boyfriend's mother. She never liked me and, frankly, she wasn't very likable (the entire year and a half that Steve and I dated, she referred to me as "what's her name"). I wrote about her using the words I've always used when thinking about her; words I grew up hearing: They're concise and descriptive. But I wasn't writing a novel. I was writing an essay in a spiritually oriented "journal". Golly, if I'm not going to live up to my highest self here, what hope is there for the rest of my life?
Again, I am terribly, terribly sorry to everyone I offended. I am ashamed of myself. Obviously, I've got a lot of work to do to unravel these awful prejudices I have about people and the words I use to describe and label them and myself.

----------------------------------------------------

This action of mine has made me revisit her with a clearer perspective than I've ever had. I see that she was probably very depressed and unhappy. She was trapped in an unpleasant job due to a lack of education and having three kids to support. My mom knew her in high school and told me years ago that she was crazy about Steve's dad. She got pregnant, they got married, had three kids and he left. Because he was an alcoholic (Irish Drunk was the name given to men like him-usually very happy but sometimes "black" angry), I imagine the years they were together were probably bad. She never really had anything that was hers. She never owned her life. She relied heavily, both emotionally and financially on her oldest son. She disliked me because I was taking him away from her. I understood that even when I was 15, but her rudeness was inexcusable to me. Now, I can see how closed she had to be, how judged she probably felt. I can see why she would dislike me (I was a perky know-it-all). She died about 10 years ago of a heart attack when she was in her late 50s. Her name was Ruth.

Peaceful Warriors Training Camp

2008-09-22T18:00:00.008-06:00

My previous post was about why I think military service holds appeal for many young people. In this post I'm going to write out my vision for a non-violent alternative to military service.

What I'd like to see is a peace activists training organization. It would combine elements of the military, the Highlander Center, the Civilian Conservation Corps, and the Civilian Public Service. It would operate much like military basic training: Recruits would live together in barracks with a drill instructor for a set amount of time, learning basic skills, discipline and regimentation. They would learn team building and trust in one another and in authority. They'd spend the first 6-8 weeks learning basic things such as woodworking, how to use tools, group cooking, and basic survival skills. They'd also do some amount of classwork learning about non-violent social action and studying conflict resolution from the personal to the global. They'd study the teachings of Gandhi and what the Highlander Center did; they'd learn about the Lunch Counter Sit-ins and other real examples of peace action. They'd also study self-defence through aikido or another non-aggressive method.

Next they would learn about current, active peace work throughout the world. They'd study about AFSC and Peace Corps and Doctors Without Borders and Mercy Corps. They'd learn about all the kinds of opportunities for work there are and then they'd choose a field of study. The training camp would provide education to train the recruits in whatever area they wanted to pursue, possibly through a community college but maybe also with paid staff or volunteers. I envision areas of study such as medicine/first aid, firefighting/natural disaster management, community gardening/sustainable agriculture, teaching, water resources, sustainable energy, building/architecture, land reclamation/forestry, midwifery/family planning and the like.

During this time, they would be working and doing community service projects, spending time with local or regional non-profit agencies. During study breaks, they may travel to other areas to do internships or more intensive work.

I see this as a 1-2 year program. I think it would be good to consult with many cross-border and national agencies to learn exactly what skills would be valuable to them and try to structure the program to teach those skills.

The program would have to be privately funded, not taking any government money.

The recruits would be paid some amount for participating in the program and upon completion would earn something extra. In exchange, they would commit to X amount of service upon completion.

The recruits would also have to understand that they would submit to the authority of the program and give over their identity as "civilian" to that of "peace warrior" (in the way that a "hero's journey" makes one die to one's old nature and accept a new identity. The U.S. military is brilliant at enacting this rite of passage for recruits--one of the only powerful, active rites in our entire society.). The program would be hard and challenging and would not allow for the kind of dissension or questioning of authority that we so often see in the liberal community. In other words, if you trust the organization enough to want to take from it, you also make a real commitment to give and to follow the structure and rules.

The Appeal of Military Service

2008-09-22T10:44:00.007-06:00

Jeanne, over in her blog "Social Class & Quakers", recently wrote about military recruiting and what alternatives Quakers have to offer. She brings up some very good points but, from my experience, misses some important points. She suggested that Quakers (and other peace churches) need to step up and offer scholarships to young working class and poor kids who have few other choices but to enlist in the military to earn money and/or job training. But the point that I think is missed is that a whole lot of those kids do not want to further their education. I was one of those kids. Without going into too much of my personal history, I had no direction when I was graduated from high school other than knowing that I did not want to go to college. My parents begged and pleaded and finally got me to agree to go to a school which was supposed to train me to be a travel agent (I've done about every kind of legitimate work there is but I've never worked as a travel agent). From about 4th grade on, I HATED school. I remember sitting in elementary school (probably during math class) literally counting the days until I would turn 16 and be able to drop out of school. Well, I made it to graduation but did not want to put myself into any position in which I had to feel like a dunce ever again. No thank you. I got a job managing a fast food restaurant and have been working my way up from entry level jobs ever since.

In high school, I took the ASVABs rather than the SAT or ACT, even though I wasn't really interested in the military. This was 1983 when there was still a good amount of stigma about women in the military (if I were graduating in the same position today, I probably would consider it). When I'd get the mailings from the Marines saying they were looking for a few good men, I'd think "who isn't?" and throw them in the trash.

I did have a couple of very close friends who enlisted. My first serious boyfriend was the quintessential guy I'm writing about here. He was full of common sense but not "book smarts". He didn't do well in school. He was incredibly responsible and a really good guy. He played drums and fixed cars and worked after school every day from age 14 on. His family was very poor. His father was an alcoholic who left his mother with three children and never paid child support. His mother worked in the laundry room of the hospital. She was (pardon the expression) "white trash": Old couch on the front porch, go out in public with holes in her clothes kind of poor. I really don't know how he got the ambition that he had but he wasn't like the rest of his family. He wanted to better himself and he saw the military as the best way to do that. He joined the Navy and gained discipline and learned how to repair airplanes. Being in the Navy was very important to him. He was proud of serving his country, of wearing the uniform. He was not a violent person. I can't imagine him ever hurting anyone. He was gentle and kind. I'm sure that he didn't really consider the possibility of having to be in a situation in which he might have to kill someone, although he was, I'm sure, very good at following orders and would have done so if commanded by superior officers. I don't know that if he'd been given a full scholarship to community college he'd have taken it because the Navy represented something more than just training for him. In part, it was escape from his home and family's reputation and expectations; escape from our small town, adventure. He did not have a strong male role model growing up; I think the Navy was, for him, a rite of passage, a way of learning to prove that he was a man. No community college or regular college would ever be able to offer that.

My dear cousin Stevey is another of the type of guy I'm trying to describe to you. Stevey is very intelligent but really quirky and odd. I haven't seen him in almost two decades but value him and love him deeply. He was raised by his mom and stepdad (who adopted him when he was 8). His family did animal rescues and always had a menagerie of dogs, cats and horses: His family's home was loving but extremely chaotic. Stevey never really fit in with the kids in school and got by just doing his own thing. His family had moved to California by the time we were in high school so I never talked with him about his decision to join the Air Force when he was graduated from high school but I imagine that he did because he wanted to travel and explore the world. He made a career of it and retired after 20 years. I think he found success in the structure and discipline of the military that he could never have had in civilian life. Again, he is a gentle, funny, kind person. I doubt he's ever deliberately hurt anyone in his whole life. He didn't join the Air Force from any aggro impulse or for macho reasons; he just needed direction and discipline.

And this leads me to my oldest kid, Declan. He's 17. He's intelligent, creative, funny. He's very liberal, mostly, but is a black and white thinker. He's drawn to strong-willed, alpha males for mentors and teachers (most of whom, Chuck Fager being the exception, have been very strongly libertarian in their political leanings). D is smart but is acting sooo dumb. I just got a call from his history teacher (whom D really respects) saying that Declan has failed his last three history tests and is failing history. Dec enjoys history. He "gets it" and is engaged by this teacher. He just doesn't bother to do his homework or to study. Hammy and I have talked and talked and talked to him. Over the last 2 1/2 years that he's been in school, at various times we've grounded him, met weekly with his teachers, talked to principals and counselors, said that this is his "path" and he needs to learn to take responsibility for his actions and whatever else we could think of. Nothing has made the slightest difference. He's in a school for the arts which he absolutely loves. His girlfriend is there as are all his friends. He's playing in a band. He's doing music for a movie and a cable tv show. He just auditioned for the lead in a play. He started the year on academic probation and will probably be kicked out when the end of semester report cards come out. But that hasn't changed his behavior or attitude toward his academic work.

So, what will happen to my boy when he is kicked out of this school? The only school he'll be able to go to is the one we're zoned for, the "Bloods vs Crips" school that he spent a year at and HATED. ROTC is the only extra on the school campus besides cosmetology. I can't see him going back to that school and being successful.

Lots of kids do dual enrollment at the community college but, frankly, if we can't trust him to maintain passing grades at a school he loves, I can't see paying money for him to go to another school. He's painting himself into a corner that he's too young, inexperienced and stubborn to see.

If I weren't a pacifist adamantly opposed to war, I'd push him toward the military. The discipline would be great for him. He'd be honored for his sharp mind and problem-solving ability, for his self-control and ability to lead others. I believe he would completely thrive in that atmosphere. But I could never encourage my beloved son to go into a situation in which he would learn to kill. I love him too much to want him to put himself in a institution in which dying for a false ideology is a real possibility.

So, what is left for him? Peace Corps doesn't want him. AFSC doesn't want him. I know of maybe a couple of non-profits like Plenty that might make use of him but hippies make him crazy (their ethos is kind of the opposite of disciplined) and I know he wouldn't want to go that route (although, when he flunks out of NSA, I think we'll probably strongly push him in that direction). What he needs is a very regimented, organized, structured "boot camp" type training program; something that helps him to grow and discover his potential to BE something. That's what the military is best at, from the perspective of this civilian--identifying and developing the potential of young, directionless adults. And that's exactly what Declan needs most.

What's Up? Lesson In Humility

2008-09-13T10:13:00.003-06:00

I’ve been wanting to blog but I feel I need to catch up here with an update before I write about anything else.
School’s been back in session for a month. My oldest is at the arts magnet high school. For the first time in his life, my middle son is going to public school: He’s in 8th grade at the arts magnet middle school studying visual arts.
Carmac is 5, and so, a kindergartner. We are homeschooling. He has had a very tough time with all the changes. Hammy and I have been noticing him acting in ways that he had developed beyond, like not wanting to be alone in his room and being afraid of the dark. He misses Zed a lot during the day and, although he has always been really good at playing by himself, he’s lonely. I’ve been trying to keep him busy and have scheduled at least one extra activity with friends each week.
I’m still working but not for much longer. One of the projects ended a month or so ago. I’m just doing phone work on the other one, which was supposed to end the beginning of August. The project managers keep telling us 2 more weeks but we still need something like 700 more interviews done, so who knows. I’m putting in 10-15 hours a week on that now, mainly working 3-4 hours each morning. It’s easy and pleasant work.
I’m beginning to look for a new job. About a month ago, I learned that Nashville is not part of the national framing sample for any projects I would be eligible to work, so I will not have field work offered to me for at least 6 months. I can’t go that long without an income. I’d like to work for a non-profit. I really enjoyed when I worked as a volunteer coordinator at Reconciliation. I’m great at organizing people and networking. The darn lack of education, though, really gets in the way of how I am perceived by potential employers.
I’m not enrolled in school. I just couldn’t justify upsetting my entire family and our finances. I’m pretty frustrated but I have to honor the needs of everyone, not just my own. Seeing how Carmac is with the changes we are already experiencing, I’m glad I didn’t force my going to school on him, too. Although, he may be happier if he were to go to school.
We’re still mostly car-free but my in-laws did give us a very old, very rickety car to pick Zed up from school with (his school is a mile from our house but the only two roads to get to it are highways with no sidewalks, so he can’t walk. The bus takes kids from the school to downtown and then he’d have to catch the return bus for a roundtrip time of almost 2 hours). Carmac and I are still riding buses most of the time when we go out.

So, hmmmmm. As my friendlymama blog is ostensibly about my spiritual journey, I guess the question I’ll ask myself is: How goes my awareness of God in my life?

And my answer is: I’m finding my way back to my path. I give myself props for not immediately going into, what my friend Kit describes as, “ego attack” which happens when one’s sense of security is threatened. Thus far, and this may only be because I am still generating income, I have been able to remain open to ideas for future employment keeping God’s will for me fore in my mind: I know that I would most like “right-livelihood” work—work that’s good for God’s world (which is to say, everything) but I trust God will help me find the path the opportunities in which I can learn and serve best.

I am coming to terms with some further awareness of my own class prejudices. I’ve written how I come from a working class background. But, obviously, I have had great privilege from my parents, genetics and many other things. The fact that I am very verbal and read extensively has allowed me to “pass” as well educated for most of my adult life. Because of this, I’ve been able to get jobs that I otherwise wouldn’t have qualified for. With my ability to pass as a member of the educated middle-class (liberal), I’ve distanced myself emotionally from my working class roots. I was bemoaning the need to look for a new job recently and beginning to allow myself to go into an ego attack and said the thing I always say when I get in that uncomfortable, fear inducing place, “I’m going to wind up working at Taco Bell!”. Well, I said that and then I just stopped and thought about what I said and realized that I am a snob. Sheesh. Am I better than the people who work at Taco Bell? Smarter? No. I’m luckier. I was given parents who made sure I spoke proper English and provided me with lots of books and modeled socially acceptable behaviors and so I have better options.
Last weekend, Zed was invited by a new school chum to go to a water park. I drove him over to the boy’s house across town. He lives with his mom in a home which reminds me a lot of the house in which my aunt and bi-polar, alcoholic, illiterate uncle raised their three children: Very small duplexes, close together, small children and semi-feral dogs running wild, people sitting idle in yards, watching everything that goes on. When I pulled up, a neighbor was on the porch and asked if I was looking to rent side B. I bristled, thinking, “Doesn’t it look obvious that I don’t belong here?” but of course it doesn’t. And it shouldn’t, no matter where I work or how much money I make.
I met the boy’s mom. She’s about my age. She’s very nice and friendly and seems a kind and caring mother trying to raise her son the best she can. She works as a manager at McDonalds. She hasn’t had the luxury of the dental care that I have. As we talked, I could relate to her and her struggles and successes (when the kids were at the water park, she was on a date at the lake). I’m not better than her. I need to learn to stop judging myself as if I am. I do not deserve to make more money than her just because I am more articulate than her. We both should have the opportunities for education that would allow us employment that fulfills our need for dignity and financial stability.
So, I’ve had that little lesson in humility, again.

Boundaries

2008-08-05T07:32:00.003-06:00

I've lately begun to understand that all any of us really wants is to feel we belong; to feel inside a group; to feel included and accepted for who we truly are: To be known. I've been thinking about how we go about finding that sense of belonging or making it happen. Often it's done by creating some kind of boundary and saying that those on this side of the boundary are like me and accepted and those over there, the Other, are not accepted. The boundary can be pretty much anything. I grew up in a small town in which there were many ways of creating boundaries. There's the way it was done in Junior High school: I only want to hang with who's cool and I say who's cool. There's dividing by geography: City folks versus country folks. By accents: You sound like me so we're united. By ethnicity: My skin and hair look like your skin and hair so we're inside and everyone who doesn't look like us is out. There are plenty of ways of segregating people by monetary standards: I shop here/I live in this zip code/I drive this kind of car/my dad (husband) does this for a living/I went to school here/we vacation here/I (literally) belong to this club/etc. and people who do the same are OK with me. Where I live, and I suspect it's like this in some other parts of the country but perhaps not the whole country, religion and politics are a big divider: I vote this way and follow these rules and participate in these rituals as a means of worshipping my deity and those who believe differently are the Other.

Sometimes feeling inside is a good thing. I'm thinking about a couple sharing that feeling of "it's you and me against the world". Or being on a team and working together to create something is really a wonderful feeling. Our family has a lot of inside jokes that people who don't know us wouldn't understand and that bond us with one another; people who hang out with us often learn our jokes and we begin to feel they are part of the family and love them. We all need to belong.

Often, though, it seems, boundaries are created more from a feeling (real or imagined) of persecution: They are against us so we must declare loyalty and take up "arms" (actual weapons, words, attitudes, create laws, whatever). We feel threatened by the Other so we create boundaries that act like the walls of a castle with holes in walls not for a view or for sunlight but to lob artillery through.

What I'm coming to understand is that boundaries are the opposite of "the kingdom of heaven". Boundaries keep me apart and mistrustful. Seeing others as the Other keeps me from seeing "that of God" in them. I am not aware of Christ within me or within you when all I can see is how different we are from one another. Because, of course, when I see boundaries, I'm judging myself as well as judging the Other. Again, I think of Hector Black and his joyous, welcoming smile. When he walks up smiling, it's as if he has been longing to see you and is so happy to be with you again, even when you've never met. I imagine Jesus made people feel the same way.

I've been reading a lot about building community and picked up this book the last time I was at the library: "The Community of the Future". Last night I read an essay (by Margaret Wheatly and Myron Kellner-Rogers who run a nonprofit research foundation exploring new organizational forms and ideas) called "The Paradox and Promise of Community":

..."Rather than being self-protective walls, boundaries become the place of meeting and exchange. We usually think
of these edges as the means of defining separateness: what's inside and what's outside. But in living systems, boundaries are something quite different. They are the place where new relationships take form, an important place of exchange and growth as one individual chooses to respond to another. As connections proliferated and the system weaves itself into existence, it becomes difficult to
interpret boundaries as defenses, or even as markers of where one individual ends."

That's what I'm coming to learn: That we are all connected. We're all in this together. We're all one in God. When I create a boundary between myself and another, I'm cutting myself off from God. When I open myself to connecting with another, I'm opening myself to God. I give to God when I give of me to another.

Next Step?

2008-07-07T19:12:00.002-06:00

I've figured out what I want to be when I grow up. I'm 43 years old and I'm finally ready to go to college and get a degree. All this time, I've known that having a degree would be a good thing, helpful to me, a good financial investment etc, etc, but I've been unwilling to spend the time and money when I realistically couldn't envision myself sticking with anything I started. But now, now I am ready. I want to get a degree in Urban Studies and create communities. I want to learn how to build buildings and all about zoning and codes and urban development policies. I want to design and make neighborhoods made up of people of all ages, abilities, backgrounds and standings. I want to build communities for people who value the Earth and want to live harmoniously with it and with each other in cities. I want to build SPICEland. For real.

The thing is though, that I'm working about 30 hours a week, Hammy's working his job and we're already just barely making it. Zed will be starting public school this year, so the older two are no longer at home during the day but Carmac is 5 and will begin homeschooling this Fall. Hammy is very concerned about the time and money that my going to school will cost. Right now, we're constantly juggling schedules and bills and the needs of 3 growing children and our marriage. How in the world can I even think of adding a full college course load to this crazy mix?

The kids all say "No!".

Hammy says, "Why not wait a year?". He wants us to spend a year digging ourselves out of debt and then enroll next Fall.

But, to me, this is an investment in our future and to think of waiting a year means a 4 year degree will take 5 years (or longer) to complete. I want to get started. And, who knows where we'll be or what will be happening in a year. His parents aren't in very good health; anything could happen with them that would prevent me taking this step. Or we have a household crisis. Or something could happen with one or another of the boy's schooling. Or something else. Or anything, everything else.

I feel I need to do this now. I'm ready. I ready to go into a classroom with a bunch of 18 year olds and study remedial math courses. I'm ready to work hard and be challenged and ask for help when I need it. I'm ready to teach my poor overworked/underused chihuahuabrain new tricks--and give it lots more to yap about.

I'm not one to wait patiently once I've made up my mind about something. I feel this is right. I feel CONVINCED that this is right. And, of course, if it's right now, it will still be right in a year. But in a year, it will be a year later and I'll still be in exactly the same place I am right now--no closer to meeting this goal.

I'd be either taking out student loans or we'd borrow against Hammy's 401k. Either way, we'll be going deeply further into debt, which freaks Hammy out. He's having difficulty seeing this as an investment. I think he's afraid this is a whim, although he's been too polite to actually say that. I think he's afraid I'll incur huge debt and won't follow through. I don't know how to get him to understand that I've never been willing to commit to college before because I wasn't ready but NOW I AM. He's afraid. I'm afraid. We're just reacting to what we know.

So, I'm holding this in the Light and believing that God will lead me where I'm supposed to go. It's hard, though, to get my ego out of the way, my desires and hopes and very strong will. It's hard, too, to balance what may be a leading with Hammy's needs. I respect him and don't want to bulldoze (as has so often been the case in so many instances in our marriage). I want to know that what I'm doing, either enrolling or not, is what I'm supposed to be doing; what's best or right.

I'm going to try to slow down while still taking steps toward enrolling. In rereading what I've just written, I see that I need to talk/think/plan less and listen more.

I welcome your insight.

Hundertwasser-oh my goodness!!!

2008-06-27T08:12:00.008-06:00

Hammy brought me home a book from one of his pubs, Prestel, called, "Harvesting Dreams: Hundertwasser for Kids" by Barbara Stieff. I'd never heard of Friedensreich Hundertwasser (which means "Peace-land Hundred-water) before yesterday but I am in awe of and in love with his work today. I have never before seen such beautiful, crazy, organic, life-affirming architecture! His buildings are a crazy-quilt of energy and enthusiasm and JOY! He loved people and nature and believed they could live harmoniously together and designed amazing places to live that honored people in nature. Here's a wonderful quote by him: "If man walks in nature's midst, then he is nature's guest and must learn to behave as a well-brought-up guest." and so he would design apartments which would have trees growing in them and verandas with grass and other plants. And he loved color and abhorred straight lines. He designed for me!

Look at this! It's so beautiful! It's alive, living, breathing! It looks about as close to heaven as I could ever imagine or want; forget streets paved with gold, I'll take roofs paved with grass!

"Priceless" Scooter

2008-06-27T07:35:00.004-06:00

Hammy, Declan and I went to see Audrey Tautou in "Hors de Prix" ("Priceless"), a French farce in which a scooter plays a major role. I have not been able to find any photos of the scooter nor ascertain what kind it is. Audrey Tautou is still adorable, although quite the opposite character from "Amalie", and waaaay too skinny.