On My Way Out, Again...

I've been recruited to drive the Nashville Friends Meeting youth group to the SAYF retreat in Knoxville this weekend. I'll be leaving in an hour or so to meet people at the Meetinghouse and leaving from there. Hammy and I haven't had much time together lately and our relationship is feeling the strain of it but he's playing music Saturday, leaving the house in late morning and probably not returning until early morning (1-2:00 am) the next day, so we wouldn't really be seeing much of each other over the weekend, anyway. Knowing how distant we're feeling from one another, we've talked about the need to create time to be alone together next week. I'm hoping that the youth and I will arrive home early enough for Hammy and I to go out together for an hour or so Sunday evening. We'll have to play it by ear, I reckon.

This is only my second time being a Friendly Adult Presence at a SAYF retreat. The last time was Declan's first retreat probably almost 3 years ago when I drove to Asheville with Finn, who was still a nursling, and the teens. That time I hung out at the retreat but Finn, who was a toddler, required the majority of my attention. I didn't really get to visit with the adults or get to know the youth. Hammy and I helped drive to last year's Atlanta retreat but we didn't hang out at all. I am feeling some little amount of trepidation because I get the impression that the FAPs all know each other well and all have the routine down. I have no idea what my role or responsibilities will be or what will be expected of me and I don't have any established relationships with anyone except my son, who avoids me at all costs. I dislike feeling an outsider trying to fit in, although I think it's good to feel that sometimes just to remind me to always be welcoming of others who are newcomers.

I've made myself a mix CD of all my favorite "Soul" music; 4 CDs actually, with Van Morrison comprising about a third of all the songs. Here's the lyrics to one of my favorite Billy Bragg songs:

"Some Days I See the Point" by Billy Bragg

Never saw a meaningful tv advert,
I don’t think shopping is a metaphor for life
Don’t waste my time at the gym in the morning,
try to keep trim by living my life

Wanna feel the wind blowing in my hair,
Wanna hear the waves crashing on the beach
I’m not seeking easy answers or inner peace
I’m just looking for some release

I want to help to make the world better
but I can’t do it all on my own
Try to keep the lid on my disappointment
‘cos cynicism’s such a cop out I know

Watch the shadows of clouds moving on the hill
Open my eyes and drink my fill
On those days that I feel dejected
I come up here for a bit of perspective

Gonna follow the path that climbs up through the trees
Walk along the cliff top and gaze out to sea
I feel free when I come up here
And if it's clear some days I see the point

Morning Has Broken

The weather has finally begun to cool and it smells like autumn outside. I feel so much more at home in my body and the world when my temperament and the weather are in agreement. In the summer I wake up anxiously awaiting the shift. In the autumn, I awaken singing. This morning and many mornings since I was a girl, the song has been "Morning Has Broken". Imagine my delight when I began attending Nashville Friends Meeting and found this song in our hymnal! Here's a link to a Cat Stevens performance on Youtube.

Morning Has Broken

As Sung by Cat Stevens
lyrics by Eleanor Farjeon

Morning has broken, like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for the springing fresh from the word

Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlit from heaven
Like the first dewfall, on the first grass
Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden
Sprung in completeness where his feet pass

Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of the one light, Eden saw play
Praise with elation, praise every morning
God's recreation of the new day

Intention

My intention for today is to quiet myself and create still moments in which to listen for Spirit. I have two interviews scheduled, need to make several phone calls to potential respondents, will probably drive my oldest to a friend's house, will help my younger two with their school work and will go out to work this evening-my usual, busy, crazy day. Today I will seek out the silence amidst the bustle so I may feel/hear/sense God within.



"Silent Worship of the Virtue of Prudence" by Cliff Coleman

Learning to Listen

This is Monday. I got back from the retreat last night. When I awoke this morning, my calves screamed as I got out of bed because of the walk up the "mountain" at the retreat center I took first thing yesterday morning.

I don't think I'm going to go into too much detail about the retreat other than to say that some of the planned activities went really well and others not so well but I learned something from each one. We did a lot of talking, both in dialog and taking turns telling our stories. We worshipped in silence often and sang some. We cooked and ate and cleaned a laughed a lot. One of the members of our party began feeling very poorly due to a stomach virus and had to leave on Saturday. We missed her but reached out to her in spirit frequently through the remainder of our time together.

I think the thing that made this retreat different and special to me was that each of us was willing to begin opening ourselves to each other and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. And we have committed to doing and being very definite and specific things for ourselves and one another. We have each committed to actively engage in a daily practice which was chosen for it's ability to bring us closer to Spirit. We spoke aloud our commitments to ourselves and one another. We also agreed to hold one another accountable. Each month we will check in with one another.

Oddly, I don't feel "filled with the Spirit". I feel hopeful but also somewhat detached. I think perhaps I'm feeling some amount of trepidation and fear of the changes I'm opening myself to. This is just what I asked for and now that I've committed to it I'm not sure I'm up to it. If I believed in Satan, I'd say he was "talking to me" but I know this comes from me. I know that what's familiar and comfortable in my ego is saying that change is not all it's cracked up to be. All I can do is to ask God to help me find my way.

The practices I have committed to are to read or write every day, to be mindful in my interactions with my children and, although I forgot to say this outloud, to pray every day.

I'm having a hard time with prayer. I've been praying every day for a while. I can "talk" to God but I'm not so good at listening. One of the people in our group referred to the "noise in his head" once or twice. I think it's the same as my "chihuahua brain" and what Buddhists refer to as "monkey mind". I'm good at thinking. I'm completely out of touch with listening. I don't know how to slow my brain down enough to listen to God. I used to "feel" God as a physical sensation in my solar plexus. This was before I "found" God; back when I was an agnostic seeker. The second time I sat in Meeting for Worship, I had the epiphany that my "gut feeling" was God speaking to me through my intuition. Almost as soon as I understood that, the sensation no longer happened. I have experienced God in other ways since then, including hearing a voice in my ear. Now, God is silent but I know it's because I'm supposed to learn a new way to listen. But learning to quiet and still my mind is something I've been struggling with since the first time I sat in Friends meeting.

"Teach me to stop and listen,
Teach me to center down.
Teach me to hear in silence,
Things that are never found.

Teach me to be collected,
Teach me to be in tune.
Teach me to be directed,
Silence will end so soon.

Then when it's time for moving,
Grant it that I may bring,
To every day and moment,
Peace from a silent spring."

Learning to Serve

My bags are packed (all but my toothbrush and paste) and I'm ready to go. I'm leaving in an hour for the Nashville Friends Meeting "Growing In the Light" Spiritual Formation Group opening retreat.

We're staying at Penuel Ridge, which is a lovely retreat center about 15 miles out of Nashville in the middle of nowhere. It's the same place I have hosted my "Motherhood and Spirituality" retreat days.

Last night, Hammy and I went to Kinko's to make copies of some handouts. I've got the ingredients for the salad I'm making for lunch tomorrow. I've got my brown-bag lunch for today. All the participants have been contacted about everything they need to bring (or leave at home). I was going through my mental checklist yesterday and said to Hammy that either I'm going to get there and find that I've forgotten something really important or this is unfolding without a hitch.

I've never organized a group like this with a retreat before. When Caroline and I first talked about it, we both agreed that we'd like 10-15 folks to participate. Well, we have 14, including ourselves. I'm so happy that this thing I have been called to do is filling a need for others for whom I feel love and esteem. It's a wonderful, dynamic and very supportive group of people; some are newer to Quakerism, some long timers. I know I will be nurtured simply by being with each of them. The part of me that keeps worrying that I'm forgetting something is being gently shushed by the part of me that is reassuring me that "way has opened" as God wants it to be. What a relief! I can let go of my ego and let God lead me. But that means I have to LET GO OF MY EGO. I have always been all puffed up when I've organized things which others have enjoyed. I am doing this as a servant. I don't want thanks or, though I guess it's probably inevitable that folks will thank me, I don't want to get all puffy and blown up by thanks. I want to learn to be humble. I'm using the gifts given me by God to serve God through God's "body".

I've been bumping into a bunch of Dominican nuns around town. I've not seen any one of the regularly enough to recognize them as individuals but whichever ones I see, we always smile and greet one another in some way. Some of them are very young. The oldest is probably no older than 35 or so. I used to be so frustrated and judgmental about a young woman taking vows and basically giving up her life for the Catholic church. Lately, I see it as freeing in many ways. I still don't have much use for the Catholic church with all it's pomp, wealth and hierarchy, but there are some things it offers that we Quakers have to seek out and create on our own.
I have always been such an individualist. I have been about ME. I have been the subject of MY LIFE. ME, ME, ME. God was a nice accessory, filling the spiritual portion of my being. I can see a very strong appeal to giving up all the things that make me feel like the center of the universe so I could learn to be humble, to serve, to make God the subject of my life. My path is to do it a day at a time rather than committing to a life of austerity. That way seems, in many ways, much easier. This path is all learning something one day and forgetting it the next and then relearning it again. I'm on my path but oftentimes I forget that God is my path and my destination, thinking that I'm just walking for the scenery or to get somewhere or for my health.

That's one of the things I want to "work on" (opening myself to God's Light) during the 9 months we are participating in Growing In the Light. I want to learn to let go of myself and open up to God. I want to mean it when I say "not my will but Thine".

This song has been running through my head since reading a post via "Quakerquaker" yesterday:

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God
And all it's righteousness
And all these things will be added unto you
Allelu
alleluia