Speaking and Listening for God's Will

The latest Pendle Hill pamphlet I've received in the mail is by Mariellen Gilpin called "God's Healing Grace: Reflections on a Journey with Mental and Spiritual Illness". In it, the author shares her experiences with mental illness and how she learned to deal with it through the Grace of God, the support and help of her spiritual community and a very committed, ongoing committee of care. This pamphlet is challenging to me in my understanding of various aspects of mental illness. The author describes having demons live in her. I was raised in a Christian fundamentalist household in which it was accepted that there have been/could be demons. They were always "of Satan" and against God. When I began reading this pamphlet, my knee-jerk reaction was to distance myself from accepting at her word the author's experiences and her descriptions. Using the word demon sounded to me against modern understandings. As I read, I tried to keep an open mind and found myself accepting that the author was using a word to describe the voices and hallucinations that, perhaps, I wouldn't choose but that needed naming and were appropriate from the author's perspective and experience. Things must have a name in order to be described and she chose the name that worked for her.

The thing that spoke loudest to me was the author's on-going committee of care. She met every few weeks with two members of her Meeting's ministry and oversight committee and a Celtic shaman who was not Quaker but who "valued silence and deeply listened for God's guidance". The committee also prayed for her every night.

I have a dear friend, J, who suffers from bi-polar disorder. She functions well most of the time with the help of mood stabilizing drugs and supportive friends and family. Currently, though, she is experiencing some issues with a control-based eating disorder (anorexia). I talked to a f/Friend who heads the Tennessee chapter of NAMI to get a recommendation for a therapist. Then I called J. I gave her the information and listened to what she could tell me about where she is. We talked about what she needs and what is happening with her. After a time, I told her about what I learned from this pamphlet. This friend is not Quaker; she identifies as Wiccan with Pagan leanings (but she does agree with and respects much of what she understands about Quakerism). I explained to her what I understand about the author's committee of care and how it might work. I told her that I think it would be absolutely imperative that it be spiritually based and that all the members would have to share a unifying belief or understanding of the Divine in order for the group to transcend individual egos and listen with open hearts and minds. I spoke slowly, searching for the right words and as I talked I felt overcome by the quaking of God speaking through me. I also told her about my experience of holding her in the Light during meeting last week and having the recurring image of me physically holding her up in God's light. I let her know that I love her and am available to her in whatever way she needs and that I will continue to hold her in my prayers.

I've never felt Spirit come through me outside of meeting for worship like that before. I am grateful for the lesson. I am always sharing ideas and resources with people, giving them information that will link them with others or materials or organizations that will support what they need. Usually, I do this to help them because I care about them but it's still done from my ego. When I spoke with J, I spoke carefully, choosing my words with love and even hesitation. I think the space between the words and the love in that space allowed Spirit to enter me. What a profound gift. Slow down and listen.

Tomorrow evening, Caroline and I will be leading our large Growing In the Light group meeting. The topic is obedience, which I chose almost a year ago when we were planning the monthly meetings. We're going to use a couple of the spiritual exercises from Tilden Edwards' book, "Living in the Presence", one a daily examen and the other called Discerning Action. This is what the opening paragraph about discerning action, "Discernment of what is seemingly consonant with God's will in regard to a particular significant action being contemplated normally is a process, not a single step..."

I am lead to understand that learning to slow down and allow silence when I speak is learning to be obedient to God's will for me. I think that's why I blog. When I write, I think about what I am trying to express and am usually slow and deliberate, allowing more room for contemplation and Spirit-led inspiration than I ever experience when speaking. My conversation with J has given me the insight into my potential for speaking, as well.

Giving and Advocating

Proverbs 31:6-9

"Give beer to those who are perishing,
wine to those who are in anguish;
let them drink and forget their poverty
and remember their misery no more.

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute.
Speak up and judge fairly;
defend the rights of the poor and needy."

Yowee...
For a long time I've tried to follow Jesus' command in Luke 6:30-"Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back." I walk all over downtown frequently. Homeless people or panhandlers often approach asking for money. I used to always give money but then I read a blogpost by the Homeless Guy, Kevin Barbeaux, about how disruptive it is for the other folks when people to show up at a shelter drunk or otherwise impaired. He suggested that people not give money to panhandlers so they can't buy alcohol which causes problems for others. Usually, when I'm out with my kids, I've got a bunch of snacks with me and often, I've got surplus bus change cards, so sometimes I give those to people who ask me for something. I used to carry fast food gift certificates but I keep forgetting to buy more, so I haven't done that in a while.

But sometimes I don't have any of those things on me and all I have to give are cash. Usually, when I have the time, I'll stop and talk with the person asking and try to make a connection. I'll give them whatever I feel I can justify-sometimes just a little change because I'm broke and need my money for the next bus home and sometimes it'll be a few dollars, lunch money or the cost of a cup of chai (figuring that if I can indulge myself I should also share with someone else). I prefer to not have someone tell me some story about needing bus fare to get his family to Madison or about how his wallet was stolen or this or that but I know that many people do need a story about where their money is going before they'll give; I assume that probably half the time I give money it'll go to alcohol. And after reading Kevin's post about how disruptive alcohol is in homeless shelters, I began feeling bad about giving cash.

But then I read the article "Living with Beggars" by Anna Redsand in the July 2006 issue of Friends Journal in which she quotes the above verses in Proverbs. I don't know how it is that I never noticed those verses before. (oh, I do know how. Proverbs 31:6-9 immediately precedes the passages about "the wife of noble character" which was shoved down my throat by my mother, various sunday school teachers and a bunch of youth ministers throughout my adolescence. I'm pretty sure that, for many years, if I heard the word "proverbs" my eyes glazed over and my mind took me to my "happy place" a world away from "she is worth far more than rubies".) So, wow. The Bible is telling me to give booze to people who are in distress and impoverished so they can forget their poverty and misery. But then it follows with the command to "speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute...defend the rights of the poor and needy." What that is saying to me is that I should do what I can to alleviate suffering-whatever it takes-but I must take responsibility for that suffering when I do so. I have to take it on myself to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves because they are in anguish. It's not enough to give money to a panhandler or to buy his lunch for him; I must also advocate for him in the larger world. Neither is it enough to do advocacy work while ignoring the day-to-day suffering of individuals. Both must be done together, which makes sense.

I'm going to have to sit with this for a while to see how it fits me and where I am and where I need to be. I'm not sure how to find the balance called for here in the my life, at this time. To me, doing advocacy is committing to something. I don't have time to join anything else or serve on any other things, but maybe there's something I else I can be doing to advocate? I will try to open my heart and mind to possibilities and pray for guidance.

My Own Hero's Journey: Motherhood (fighting culture)

I often bemoan the "lowest common denominator" mentality of my family. I feel I spend my life compromising and lowering my standards to get along with my husband and sons. I don't know if it's a male/female thing but I have a strong dislike of video games and they all love them. And, because the oldest one is almost 17, he can play games and watch movies that are not appropriate for younger children but often, the 13 year old and even sometimes the 5 year old wind up seeing them anyway. I was so careful, when Declan was young, to shelter him from harmful media and junk. But I had to work and my parents watched him and he watched network TV at their house and before I knew it, he was well-versed in "Power Rangers". And then we started homeschooling and he was younger than the other kids and didn't know how to make friends and they were all collecting "Pokemon" cards and so I bought him his first set. It's been a downward spiral of giving in to popular culture since then. Carmac has been exposed to waaaay more media and much more mature viewing than Declan or Zed ever were until Declan hit 12 or 13. It's so hard to shelter the youngest who has older siblings.

Oftentimes I think about how I would like to be challenged to be a better person by my family. I feel like I have these aspirations to a more wholesome life and to living in a more spiritually centered way but that I always have to compromise myself and my beliefs to keep some amount of peace in our home. This morning, as my husband (doing his best "Andy Griffith" impersonation) talked with one of our sons about his apparent "malingering", I thought of parenting as a hero's journey. This is the spiritual path. This is the path I am on; the only one for me. My challenge is to take this life and make it a spiritually centered one. I am the one who has to find the Light in the darkness of first person shooter games (not allowed in our house but sometimes snuck in anyway) and Swedish "death" metal (music). My job is to be aware of the fact that I am the hero in this journey and I have to find the high road. I am here to prepare my children for their own journeys.

(this is by artist Ryan Dunlavey: http://dunlavey.deviantart.com/ )

More about God

I had the honor of attending my dear friend Sylvia's daughter Danika's arangetram, which is a dance recital/rite of passage from classical dance tradition in India. Danika has been studying dance for 10 years and her arangetram is her "coming out" as a dancer. Words cannot describe the beauty, grace and elegance of Danika's dancing. Accompanied by four musicians and a vocalist, Danika performed for two and a half hours, telling stories through poses, gestures and facial expression. I was moved to be invited to be there.

The arangetram was held in the Hindu Temple, Sri Ganesha. I've never been in a Hindu temple before, although I'd be curious. The priest performed a ceremony with Danika and her parents at the alter before the dance began. I think it was done in Sanskrit so I have no idea what it was about other than probably blessing Danika and allowing her to give thanks (that's only a guess).

It was interesting to be in a Hindu temple after writing about the lack of icons and symbols for God in my spiritual life. As I understand it, Hindus worship God/Brahman who manifests through many Deities/Manifestations. I think it's like God manifesting through Jesus and the Holy Ghost in the trinity. As I wrote in my last post, I relate to Jesus and, through Jesus, come to God.

I have difficulty getting past what I was taught about idols to be able to open myself to expand my very narrow concept of God by learning about the ways others come to understand or know God. I also have a real dislike of anthropomorphising God. God is not human. I am human. I am made in God's image but I do not believe that I am all that God is. I can find God in creation and worship God through God's creation. I do not worship nature; I worship God through nature. I do not worship a fellow human but I can find God in others and come closer to God by opening myself to that truth ("that of God").

"There's a Light that is shining in the heart of a man,
It's the Light that was shining when the world first began.
It's the Light that is shining in the Turk and the Jew,
And the Light that is shining, Friend, in me and in you."

God is that Light. God can be called Spirit, One, Creator or Love. I can perceive God as the Holy Mother/Father or as Wisdom/Sophia or as the gentle healer and angry teacher Jesus. God is what unites us and gives us the spark of life.

Knowing God through Jesus

Yesterday was my birthday. I took my mom, Zed and Carmac out to lunch at a Greek Orthodox cafe, Cafe Alektor. I'd gone there about a year ago and had seen a pendent with an image of Christ that stayed in my head all this time. I really didn't think it would still be there a year later but I figured we'd go for lunch and I'd at least look. It was there for me and so I bought myself a birthday gift. I also got a small icon pendent of Mary Magdalene.

(as an aside-either the pendent shrunk a bunch or my eyesight has gotten a lot worse in the past year; I walked all over the shop trying to find enough light to see the image clearly. Yipes!)

I've been struggling with my understanding of God. I need to allow myself to open in my perceptions of what God is. I grew up Baptist and am now Quaker: No icons, images, idols; no saints or avatars of the Divine outside the trinity. The church I grew up in had a large, simple wooden cross (flanked by the "Christian" flag and Old Glory) and that was it by way of symbols. Nashville Friends Meeting sometimes has flowers and, very occasionally, a candle. To me, God is something extremely personal. Yes, the still, small Voice. The Light. But what else?

When I was a child, up to the point of rejecting any belief in the church of my childhood, I imagined God to be like an elementary school principal: kind and benevolent in a distant way; busy with important work until I messed up and got sent to the "office". As an adult I discovered God within me, sustaining and guiding me. The closest I can come to describing God is to say that I believe that we, each person who was ever born, were each made in God's image and God encompasses and is comprised of us but so much, much greater; that God is so Great that God can be whatever loving thing we each need to perceive God to be (this fits well with my understanding of the community of God being the "body of Christ"). But again, what does that mean to me?

The symbol for God that I remember most often from my childhood I reject: Heavenly Father (how many pre-meal blessings did I hear begin with that one?). I don't have a problem with Heavenly Parent, or Creator, or Mother/Father but I can't abide by the patriarchal idea of God the Father. I don't care for Lord, either; it smacks too much of feudalism. Holy Ghost I'm fine with-I liken it to Spirit-but, to me, it is vague and undefined.

Jesus, being an Avatar (or incarnation) of God, is better. Again, I've rejected a lot of the ways of relating to Jesus that I learned in my church of origin, but I accept Jesus-the Jesus I know by reading the Bible (not church teachings. Check out this hilarious spoof political video "paid for by 'Conservative Christians against the teachings of Christ"). Jesus the teacher, healer, peacemaker, friend and champion of the weakest members of society-women, the poor, sinners, and the sinned against- is why I am a Christian and Jesus is how I best understand God and God's love, at this point in my life.

Could be my eyesight, but when I first saw this little icon, my impression was of Jesus sitting in the lotus position with his hands in mudras and an halo around his head. It's an Eastern Orthodox icon, so of course, that's not how Jesus is being depicted, but that's how I choose to see it: Jesus as guide to transcending ego to truly living in God/enlightenment.