School of the Spirit Self-Examen #3

About a month before each School of the Spirit residency, we're sent a Self-Examen. This is a number of queries that we are to use to gain self-insight about where we are in our spiritual journeys in relation to this program. I have felt quite distant from my assigned work in the program so put off doing my examen until almost the very last minute. When I did finally sit down to work on it, the words flowed out of me. 

SELF-EXAMEN

Describe [or remember] a touchstone experience with the More, the Holy, God, the promptings of Love and Truth, which relates to the hunger in you that has led you to participate in this program.

Mark & I, as members of Nashville Friends Meeting Ministry & Counsel, have been leading a regular Worship Sharing with the intent to create and develop spiritual intimacy among members and attenders. We are inviting newcomers and oldster to come together to share our experiences of God so we can know and encourage one another in our daily spiritual lives. Our query this past Sunday was “What is your experience of the Divine?”. I was given the image of a mother sitting on a park bench, patiently and lovingly watching over her young child on the playground. The child is playing happily, running, climbing, using her imagination. Every once in a while the child feels the need to be reassured of the mother's presence so she runs over for a quick hug but then returns to her spirited play. I am that child and God is my loving, attentive mother.

I could describe specific moments, luminous times of an immediate awareness of God. I find, however, that they lose impact upon the retelling. What I will say is that I feel the Holy Spirit with me, always. Oblivious as I am, whenever I pause and become aware, I feel the Holy Presence. Someone who doesn't share this blessed awareness may ask the legitimate questions: “But how? What does that mean?” For me, God is a knowing in my deepest self. I feel the Loving Presence in my entire being. God said, “I am”. I reply, “I know”.

I feel God's guidance in the same way. When I am being called or guided to something, I am given a knowing in my being. When I feel a curiosity or a push without the secure knowing, I pray and explore, ask, listen and wait. When I am being directed by the Inward Light, I simply know. Sometimes the direction is to act and sometimes it is to wait.

I am not, by any stretch, always faithful or obedient. And even when I am faithful, the purpose is sometimes not clear to me. I have always, though, found God to be faithful to me.

Describe your intent, commitment, desire, dream related to your spiritual life as you participate in this program?

I think I had a clue what I wanted out of this program when I began but I have totally lost it. I guess at this point I hope to learn the reason I'm here. I feel disconnected and unattached, mostly because I often don't know how to follow. Hmm, yes. That's been a theme in my recent life: Submission. Am I to learn to submit? I thought that was the case when I applied. I thought I was to learn to actually follow the guidelines for readings and such. What I've found, though, is that God is encouraging me to dig deep in my studies for my research paper to the exclusion of the assigned readings. This feels right to me so I'm not sure what to make of it when it comes to the idea of submission. By following my own path, I feel disconnected from the purpose of this program but I also feel I am where I'm supposed to be and doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Go figure. Is submission the same as obedience? Seems like it but perhaps there are subtle differences that would be worth exploring.

What spiritual practices, spiritual disciplines, ways of being, time of retirement, quiet time help you live into the intent described above? How have they been part of your daily life? What has helped you choose this kind of contemplative rhythm?

In “Sense of Wonder”, Van Morrison sings, “Didn't I come to bring you a sense of wonder? ” That's been my mantra of late. Wonder. Wonder is grace. Wonder can't help but foster gratitude. Wonder is the antidote to cynicism. Wonder is prayer without words. In the words of Louis Armstrong, “And I say to myself, What a wonder-full world.”

Reflect on how the assigned readings, or additional readings, have worked in you.

I was steeped in the Mystics before the last retreat. This time I'm deep in Jewish writings about sexuality. The Christian perspective about sexuality is either totally metaphorical or it's anti-sex or at least rigidly proscriptive about the purpose of sex (:procreation only. Minimize pleasure whenever possible. Song of Songs was an anomaly we don't talk about). (I did find one really good exception by a Liberation Theologian-hurrah!) Jewish writing, though, totally rocks (and rolls--har-har)! I'm finding a millennia's worth of writing about the sacredness of our sexuality given by God as another aspect by which we know God (no coincidence there, the use of the word “know”). I am finding so much as I learn about Torah and the various interpretations of Old Testament texts.

As for the assigned readings...uh, I got nothing.

What is happening for you through your Care Committee?

I feel love and nurturing from them. One member is particularly astute and has been able to lovingly but firmly call me out when I seem to be straying from my declared intentions.

How are you in relation to your meeting?

I've been fully engaged in almost all aspects of the life of my meeting. I've had the opportunity to clerk two support committees, one which has provided very tangible support for an elderly member of our community who has suffered from a serious health crisis. I am active in Ministry & Counsel and deeply appreciate being able to serve my beloved community in this way. I've begun caring for the new infant of dear Friends and so feel even further the day-to-day connection of my spiritual community, which is absolutely wonderful.

I continue to be active with our young Friends through FAPping at Southern Appalachian Young Friends retreats and delight in the relationships with all the people I know through SAYF-adults and teens alike (Toby was at the last retreat, which was awesome!). I am so appreciative of the opportunity to grow through relationships with young Friends. I am grateful to be called in this way.

Reflect on recent times or ways you have experienced God’s presence and action in your life, promptings of Love and Truth, yourself being stretched and taught, luminous moments, times of joy or awe, feelings of oneness, synchronicities.

Caring for two members of my beloved community, one who is new to this world and the other who is in a very vulnerable place of fragility and weakness has given me the opportunity to love selflessly. Come to think of it, much of the work I've been given to do lately has felt like a sacred gift of humble service. I feel immediately and intimately what it means to be the Body of Christ.

One of my sons is having a tumultuous adolescence. Turning my fears, worries, and heartache to God is sometimes all I am able to do. We are held and supported by our spiritual community who know and love him.

The topic for my research paper is how marriage is a sacrament that reflects and informs our relationship with God as it is impacted and informed by it. My marriage with Mark feels like a miracle to me. I feel tremendous joy on a daily basis and awe that God felt me worthy of this amazing gift. I am also aware of the weight of our responsibility to make the blessing of our marriage a foundational element of our community: to take the love and security we have created together and share it with others.

The Slipstream: Expanding Our Family

Years ago, before I started my own family, I foster parented one child, Jamie (some names are changed to protect privacy). He lived with my then husband and me from 2-3 years of age. During that time, I got to know his mother well. Sandra was young and didn't have good family support but complied with everything she was told to do in order to get him back so when he was returned to her, I felt positive about it. Sandra graciously let Jamie remain in our lives and he would visit and occasionally spend weekends with us and was a part of our family for the next few years. When Jamie was 8, Sandra and her partner and their children (they had 3 by this time), moved and I lost contact with them. I consider Jamie my first child and have missed watching him grow up.

My friends Jess and Christina had their baby last Wednesday. I was supposed to have been with them for the birth but my workload had just doubled and I wasn’t able to take off. I went to the hospital to meet baby Evie Wednesday morning and held her for a good while.

On the elevator as I was leaving the hospital, the woman next to me asked me my name and it turned out to be Jamie's mom, Sandra! She was as glad to see me as I was to see her and we had a short catch-up visit in the lobby. Jamie is now 25. Sandra and I exchanged phone numbers and facebook names.

Friday morning, Sandra called me asking if I still do foster parenting. She said that her younger son Philip’s girlfriend’s baby had just been taken to the hospital and was being placed in foster care. The baby was due in September but was born in July. The baby, Mitchell, has some health problems related to being born early and additional ones. Sandra asked me if I can take the baby so he doesn't have to go into foster care with strangers.

I don't believe it was coincidence that I bumped into Sandra last week.

I’m not sure if I’ve written about this here but for the past year, I've been working on a sociology project interviewing young adults who have aged out of foster care. I feel a tug toward foster parenting but couldn't consider taking in teens until Finn is older.

Mark and I are 47. I have 3 children and he has 3 granddaughters from his marriage with Ceal but no biological children. We would like a baby together but the odds of conceiving at this advanced age are very slim. We have a lot of love to share.

I’ve written before about the slipstream. My belief is that when we are living according to God's will for us, God puts us in the places we need to be, to learn the things we need to learn, to do the things we need to do in order to serve God. I've had the blessed experience of being in the slipstream. Previously, it has always been positive and uplifting and felt good. What is happening right now feels like the slipstream, as well. It had never occurred to me that the slipstream could be terrifying but that's how it feels: Like God is saying that I need to put on my big girl panties and follow where I'm being guided.

Mark is with me. He is feeling the hand of God in this and is fully supportive. We have had loving affirmation from many people and a Clearness Committee with dear Friends who discerned with us that we are being faithful.

We have an awesome support network around us. My mother lives about 30 minutes away and loves caring for babies. She, as I knew she would, said she will be available to help in whatever way we would need (including caring for the baby when I go out of town for School of the Spirit residencies). The generous, loving members of our community are providing supplies and offers of baby rocking. We have good financial resources. We have a strong, albeit new, marriage.

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Thinking the baby would be released from the hospital today and that last night would be our last baby-free night for a while, we had a date with one another. We went out for cheese and then came home and watched the Israeli film “Ushpizin”. Ushpizin is from the Aramaic and means “Sukkot guests”. The film is about an Orthodox Jewish couple who maintain their faith in God during hard times and whose faith is rewarded with a bounty just in time for Sukkot. They give thanks to God for God’s goodness and pray for greater faithfulness which is then tested by the Sukkot guests that visit.

I enjoyed this movie very much the first time I watched it but it really speaks to my condition right now. Mark and I have been given so much together and it is our blessing and our duty to share this with others. I am grateful to God for providing us with this new opportunity to expand our world.

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I hadn’t heard anything from Department of Children’s Services since Tuesday and this morning I learned from Sandra that Mitchell was released from the hospital yesterday. I spoke with the caseworker just now who said they are in the process of determining the best placement for Mitchell and have placed him in an already approved home. They will let us know if we need to do anything to facilitate our approval. It may wind up that we are not to have this child after all. I ask for prayers for Mitchell and his mother, Leah, and the people in their lives, especially including his caseworkers. Whether we can provide the best home for Mitchell or not, my love and prayers are with him.

State of My Heart report #1

When I think of my first School of the Spirit residency, the words that come to mind are: enveloped, encouraged, exhorted and edified. I was awed and delighted that 22 such different people could come together with intentionality and almost instantly create a community centered in God. It felt to me that we all came prepared; as if we had each done all the work we needed to do in order to be present and open to Divine guidance. This hit home on the third day when we were returning from a break and everybody was in their seat exactly on time! I have never experienced everyone in a group of Quakers on time for anything so the fact that we were all ready and engaged on time for each activity, from morning worship to closing, was absolutely amazing to me.

Eric E was our Person of Presence. The role of PoP is similar to that of Traveling Companion or Elder. He held us all, as individuals and as a community, in prayer. He engaged with us during some activities but remained attuned to the spiritual pulse of the group and the needs of the teachers and participants. He fluidly moved from the role of gopher to guide to guy friday. He was a sweet, tender and funny presence. Before leaving on Monday, he shared a group Examen that turned into a beautiful and spiritually enriching sermon asking, “Where are you? Where am I? Where are we?” with loving encouragement for us to go deep in search of an answer. Our class is in agreement he set the bar high for future PoPs.

Our teachers, Patty, Beckey and Mike, bring very different but complimentary gifts to our class. Beckey is new to the program but, as a member of an early SotS class, was completely at home in her new role. They took turns leading us in exercises. In each of their presentations, they revealed themselves to us with honesty so I never felt we were doing “head” work, rather, that our hearts were being clearly spoken to.

We had the blessing of the time of 2 visiting teachers. On Friday, we visited Plymouth Meeting and listened to Dave M share his experiences of being in Beloved Community. His talk was heart-felt and deeply moving. Sitting in the 300 year old meetinghouse, listening to him talk about growing in Christ by growing in his relationship with the Body of Christ was a beautiful gift to us.

Barbarajene W visited us on Saturday and talked about time. She prefaced her talk with “I’m not going to say anything you don’t already know...” and this was true. Hearing, though, a reminder that we make time for what is important to us is always beneficial. We were reminded of being aware of things in God’s time versus how we usually do in human time. I have the Victoria Williams song “On Time” in my head when I think of this:

On time,
On time,
Always on time.
Why you might be going crazy,
About to lose your mind.
Don’t fret.
Don’t worry.
Just feel peace of mind.
That peace of mind that you’re always on time.

This song is about realizing that we’re all living in God’s time, if we can only awaken to it. I sing it often.

On Saturday, Beckey preached about the Inward Christ and the Seed and Joann, a classmate, read from Lloyd Lee’s book on Gospel Order. A lot of people had never heard this and were angry, hurt and confused. I have no trouble understanding this; intellectually, I’m good with it.

After our closing that evening, another classmate, Franchot, gave an impromptu Native American flute concert in the chapel.  While listening, it came to me that I have been just skimming the surface. I do experience God but mostly I’m just flitting about, heedless. I think for the first time, I truly understood being a sinner. While sitting alone among my newly intimate community, listening to the hauntingly beautiful music, I felt God’s presence as I have read described by others, like a searchlight, illuminating my deepest self. I was overcome by feelings of awe and trepidation and yet willingly exposed and vulnerable.  I felt God with me, not as a gentle Presence but as GOD showing me my innermost heart.

I sat in the chapel, crying, needing God but not even knowing what to pray for. I’ve read the accounts of being searched by the Inbreaking Light, being transformed by God. It seems audacious to even pray for that because what if I can’t live up to it? What if God gives me this gift and I remain my own, blithe, willful self?

I wondered if I should reach out to my classmates or one of my teachers but I didn’t know what I could or should say. I stumbled up to my room where I prayed, sobbing, and wrote for several hours. I was shown my sins. I’d known them all along but was shown them as God sees them. Not in words but in knowing, God told me to stop making excuses; stop being lazy and selfish; stop asking for guidance until I am ready to grow into what I have already been given. Knowing my sins and not faithfully, consciously trying to “sin no more” is without excuse.

The next morning during our time for individual spiritual practice, I wrote my psalm. Coincidentally, that morning’s worship was on “Praying the Psalms”.  I found that Psalm 139 spoke clearly to my condition (first time a Psalm has ever really done anything for me). We were given the chance to share and I read my prayer. Reading the words aloud before my Beloved Community felt to me to be a more true commitment than just writing it.

Back home again I am trying to live what I have been shown. How to be faithful? How to not fall back into what is routine and easy? I feel as if everything should be different. Everything is the same and the only thing different is my awareness. In this moment, I completely relate to Mark’s move to plain dress as an external sign of his intention to live for God. If I had an external sign, would I be called back to an awareness of how I reflect God? I can’t imagine what I wear would influence the amount of time I spend laughing at kittens on the internet. The change has to be in my embracing a new awareness of who I am in God.

Mark and I have begun to worship and read the Bible together first thing in the morning. This helps set me on a good course for the day. We’ve begun doing an Examen each evening which gives me the opportunity to reflect on where I felt God’s presence at the end of the day. I’ve tried to be very deliberate about my internet use during the day. I frequently turn to spiritually meaningful music; the song that’s come to me most often lately is “Dear Friends”. I’m listening to Kindling Stone’s “I Am the True Vine” right now. The Chihuahua often interrupts my concentration when I pray for others and I just discovered a really nice way to deal with this: I learned to write with a calligraphy pen for our wedding and, for the first time in my life, my handwriting looks pretty good. Calligraphy has to be done slowly and carefully so I think of each of the people I want to pray for and write their name several times which allows me time to really focus while praying for them.

I feel a great deal of fear that I will not be able to sustain this commitment; that I will fail in my faithfulness. I know Grace is being able to return as many times as necessary but what God showed me and called me to is not just about being forgetful but about LIVING. How do I live up to this? All I know to do is to ask God to show me how and to turn to my Beloved Community (extended) to encourage and exhort me.

Thank you, Friends.

with love,
Mary Linda

My Psalmish Prayer

Divine Creator, Author of my soul,

Please help me to live in you.
Please help me to submit myself to you.
Help me to have the will to live for you and you through me.

Please help me to turn from sin, that which comes between me and you, but help me to find joy and satisfaction in living for you.

Please help me to make you the anchor of my heart and of all my relationships so that all aspects of my life bear the same witness.

Help me to turn from the frivolous distractions and constant seeking of amusement and entertainment so I have space and time and quiet to find the peace of you in every moment.

Am I not good as you made me? Help me to set aside my insecurities as being unnecessary of your beloved child. Show me how to live more fully in you so I may better reflect your greatness and love for us.

Please help me, God Who is the Foundation, to turn with Mark toward you. We both desire this but have let our delight in our quirks and amusements distract us from you.

O my God who gave me life, who gave me everything, how can I begin to express my overwhelming gratitude except by learning to be faithful to your will in every moment.

God, you know my heart and you know my history with intentions.
You know my fear that I will soon forget this and quickly settle back into my normal routine.
Please Great Sustainer, please help me to know and to remember.
Touch my heart and make me new so I do not forget.
Please give me the will to live in you.
I don’t know how to do this without your help.
I turn myself over to you with an earnest heart and open soul; please help me to live in your Divine Will, making you the ruler of my life.

In deepest love and humility,
your child,

Mary Linda

Radical Hospitality: More from NCYM-C

Besides the transcendent moment in the rain with dear new Friends I wrote about in my last blogpost, and Nanbee’s workshop, the activity I enjoyed most about NCYM-C was morning Bible Study led by Deborah S. The theme for the yearly gathering was Radical Hospitality and Deborah chose individual verses which addressed this theme. Each morning she would give us a printed copy of the day’s verse. We would settle into worship and she would break the silence by reading the verse twice (one day she sang it, too). After that, she had us turn to our neighbor and, in pairs, share what words, images, or ideas arose in our hearts.

I don’t specifically remember each day’s verse but what came to me around Hospitality remains fresh. What occurred to me was how important it is for me to be centered and grounded when I welcome people. It happens that because of my personality and the fact that I make myself available, I’ve often been a public face of my community. I enjoy meeting people, learning about them and telling about us. I ask a lot of questions and try to get a little beyond the superficial if there’s time and it seems appropriate. What happens sometimes, though, is that I forget what people have told me about themselves so that when they visit again, a few months or even just a few weeks later, I can’t remember anything about them and have to start all over again which has to seem very UNwelcoming, insincere and thoughtless. This is most likely to occur when we’ve had a number of new people visit over a short period of time so that I’ve asked the same kinds of questions of too many people too often without letting the responses sink in. Also,I think it is much more likely to happen when I am insufficiently grounded; when I’m all puffed up with how great it is to greet new people because I’m so friendly and get energized by it. I am not centered and am unlikely to be truly welcoming when my ego is bigger than my awareness of how I am reflecting God.

It is good for me to know this and I am grateful for the opportunity to learn it. I can now be more mindful and deliberate in my approach to newcomers. I have also learned that I need to prepare to greet people before I get to the meetinghouse by becoming attentive to what God might be guiding me to do or say.

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I, um, do want to say a word about the Bible study. I can’t really say how long it has been since I’ve done Bible study in a group. In various situations, I remember exploring a few passages in support of something else we were learning about but even that has been a long and rare time. What I remember is how head-y it was with people wanting to share KNOWLEDGE and to dissect it and talk about the linguistic and cultural understanding of what it means. I really appreciated Deborah keeping us focused on our hearts so that we talked about how the words rested in us. The difference seems significant, to me. Knowing versus owning. The potential for transformation seems less likely if only the head is engaged.