Although I relate to what she went through, that's not where I am right now. I just feel completely untethered. I feel like when I pray, I'm in outer-space so that my words dissipate immediately...like there's no atmosphere to hold them. Last week at Friends Meeting, the Chihuahua wasn't at the door yapping because she had escaped and was running wildly about the neighborhood. (When Nashville Friends Meeting was at our old location on Acklen, one of the neighbors had a Whippet that would sometimes escape. Trying to catch that dog was like trying to pick up quicksilver with your fingers. That's what the Chihuahua in my head has been like.)
I'm on the cusp of re-creating my life with the rare opportunity to fully align the way I live with my values so my life can be integrated and SPICE-y. So strangely, I find myself completely ungrounded with my thoughts on about everything but God. Wanna talk shoes? because the Chihuahua does! Music! Books (fiction only)! Just about anything but God. Why is this? Is it spiritual cold feet? I don't feel afraid or reticent of commitment. No, I just feel utterly distracted--and not by work, for once.
Thinking this through, what I'm coming up with is that there is so much really heavy stuff going on in my life that I'm needing lightness and distraction. I've made God feel heavy by putting so much weight, so much emphasis on God's Right Place In My Life that I think perhaps I've made God feel like a burden. I think I need to find God in the fun, in music and art and time with friends. Not in a weighty, "we gather together today to..." kind of thing but in a "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy" kind of way.
Maybe even in shoes? Maybe even in these really awesome Fluevog boots:
(Didn't George Fox say sometime along the lines of "Wear your scooter-riding boots as long as you can"? Well...)
I need a little more fun. I need to get off my Serious God kick and spend some time getting a kick outta God.