43

I'm 43 today. It's a gloomy day, weather-wise. I don't mind growing older and usually make elaborate plans to celebrate my birthday but it's Friday and Hammy and I are both working and tomorrow, Zed is having friends over to belatedly celebrate his birthday (which was the 17th of February and we were all sick with the flu), so I won't be enjoying my birthday the way I usually do. This year, my birthday is just another day, which I sort of feel disappointed about. I usually love to celebrate being on Earth another year.

My monthly cycle started Wednesday evening. My cycle is becoming erratic, again. Prior to becoming pregnant with Carmac, my cycles would be anywhere from 30 days to 90 days in length. After his birth, for the past 4 1/2 years, they've been on the short side: 25-30ish days. This month, it was long again. I don't keep really good track but I think it was about 10 days or so longer; long enough that I started panicking about being pregnant again.

The fear of being pregnant is a strange knee-jerk reaction. Hammy and I have had very little opportunity for quality "alone" time since before I went to Chicago and he has had a vasectomy! You'd think I would logically conclude that my hormones are changing in my body. But I've had five pregnancies, only one of which was planned (two ended in miscarriage). When I perceive that my period is late, I immediately panic and live in fear, imagining "what if?".

Yesterday, I rode my scooter to work. Riding, especially for work, takes a lot of concentration and organization as I have to be aware of all my work equipment, the scooter, traffic, helmet hair, etc. Being (excuse the phrase) "on the rag" also takes a lot of my awareness (you women know what I mean). Combining the two was a serious distraction. Usually when I ride I feel powerful. Yesterday, I just felt scattered and out of sorts. I found myself looking forward to menopause.

I love being pregnant. I love being a fertile woman. But I know that time is passed for me. I'm much too young to be a crone but right now I feel I'm in a sort of hormonal limbo called peri-menopause. So, I'm 43 and looking forward to growing older rather than looking back to what I'm loosing. I'm not meaning to hurry time but I do look toward a time when my body becomes a little less disruptive and complicating to me.