I've discovered Imeem.com and spent the weekend learning Microsoft Access while listening to Marshall Crenshaw by way of a heavy dose of T-bone Burnett. This song is the one that's stuck with me. I love this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ja4NfjEfKMs
Cynical Girl
(M. Crenshaw)
Well I'm goin' out
I'm goin' out lookin' for a cynical girl
Who's got no use for the real world
I'm lookin' for a cynical girl
Well I hate TV
There's gotta be somebody other than me
Who's ready to write it off immediately
I'm lookin' for a cynical girl
Well I'll know right away by the look in her eye
She harbors no illusions and she's worldly-wise
And I'll know
when I give her a listen
that she
She's what I've been missin'
What I've been missin'
I'll be lost in love
And havin' some fun with my cynical girl
Who'll have no use for the real world
I'm lookin' for a cynical girl
Well I'm goin' out I'm goin' out lookin' for a cynical girl
Who's got no use for the real world
I'm lookin' for a cynical girl
Yeah I'll know right away by the look in her eye
She harbors no illusions and she's worldly-wise
And I'll know
when I give her a listen
that she
She's what I've been missin'
What I've been missin'
I'll be lost in love
And havin' some fun with my cynical girl
Who'll have no use for the real world
I'm lookin' for a cynical girl
Monday, August 24, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
confession
I deliberately lied to someone a few days ago. It was at work. I was helping one of my staff as she was training to work on a new project. She was interviewing me and I was playing the role of a research participant. Usually, when doing this, I would give answers as if I were one of the many people I've interviewed in the past but this time, mainly because this was a study I'm unfamiliar with, I just answered the questions as myself. I don't eat meat. I have never had a colonoscopy nor been diagnosed with polyps but my mother has. My father had elevated PSA levels but was not diagnosed with cancer. I walk about 30 minutes a day. I have three children. I weigh 150 lbs. I'm 5'7" tall. I work as a research study interviewer. I've completed, um, 16 years of schooling.
There it is. I lied about my educational background. I actually stunned myself when I did. Well, first I kicked myself for not anticipating the question and giving fake answers.
I'm asking myself some questions:
Am I ashamed of my lack of education? No, I don't think I am. Frequently frustrated, yes, but not ashamed. Actually, I'd say I'm really proud of myself to have done all the things I've done without the educational foundation that so many people take for granted (the pride issue would be gist for another post).
Is my ego attached to how people perceive me? Yes, some. The woman I was working with is a very nice person; she's quite a bit older than me, has family in the same part of Indiana that I do. She's a college professor but I think comes from humble beginnings. I don't think she would judge me harshly as a person. I don't care if she, personally, knows that I didn't go to college. Personally, I don't really think I much care if anyone knows. But professionally, that's a different thing. I'm not a terribly ambitious person but I do want the opportunity to grow in my job and in the department. I have staff under me who have masters degrees. I think there are currently 2 people in our department, besides myself, who have no higher levels of education and they're both in part-time, uncareer-oriented positions. I am very good at my job and I want to be taken seriously. I'm respected as a leader. I don't think that would change if word go out that I am "uneducated" but it's not outside of possible that some people's attitudes toward me could subtly change. I might not be taken as seriously. My authority as a leader could very well suffer, which would damage my potential for advancement in our department.
I have no intention of rectifying the misrepresentation. I didn't lie to change her perception of me, more to maintain the current perception of me as qualified to lead. Having a degree, particularly in an academic setting, is almost a universal requisite: I am the very rare exception. I lied because I want to maintain the level of leadership I hold. Yes, I suppose that is ego but it's ego rooted in pragmatism. I guess if I stepped way back and looked at my situation with the broadest perspective, I'd see that having this job or not is ultimately not important. In this lifetime at this time, I do need a job. I don't know if this is where God wants me to be but this is where I am and I haven't felt any leadings to leave. Although, I guess I could interpret my need to lie about my background as a disconnect from what best glorifies Spirit. But, working for this world renowned institution in the epidemiology center gives me credibility to do other things, effect other changes in the world that I might not have if I were, say, a nanny or working in a bookstore. To me, it feels this is a good place to be. I trust God to nudge me when it's time to make a change.
This leads me to an interesting meditation on sin. A post for another day...
There it is. I lied about my educational background. I actually stunned myself when I did. Well, first I kicked myself for not anticipating the question and giving fake answers.
I'm asking myself some questions:
Am I ashamed of my lack of education? No, I don't think I am. Frequently frustrated, yes, but not ashamed. Actually, I'd say I'm really proud of myself to have done all the things I've done without the educational foundation that so many people take for granted (the pride issue would be gist for another post).
Is my ego attached to how people perceive me? Yes, some. The woman I was working with is a very nice person; she's quite a bit older than me, has family in the same part of Indiana that I do. She's a college professor but I think comes from humble beginnings. I don't think she would judge me harshly as a person. I don't care if she, personally, knows that I didn't go to college. Personally, I don't really think I much care if anyone knows. But professionally, that's a different thing. I'm not a terribly ambitious person but I do want the opportunity to grow in my job and in the department. I have staff under me who have masters degrees. I think there are currently 2 people in our department, besides myself, who have no higher levels of education and they're both in part-time, uncareer-oriented positions. I am very good at my job and I want to be taken seriously. I'm respected as a leader. I don't think that would change if word go out that I am "uneducated" but it's not outside of possible that some people's attitudes toward me could subtly change. I might not be taken as seriously. My authority as a leader could very well suffer, which would damage my potential for advancement in our department.
I have no intention of rectifying the misrepresentation. I didn't lie to change her perception of me, more to maintain the current perception of me as qualified to lead. Having a degree, particularly in an academic setting, is almost a universal requisite: I am the very rare exception. I lied because I want to maintain the level of leadership I hold. Yes, I suppose that is ego but it's ego rooted in pragmatism. I guess if I stepped way back and looked at my situation with the broadest perspective, I'd see that having this job or not is ultimately not important. In this lifetime at this time, I do need a job. I don't know if this is where God wants me to be but this is where I am and I haven't felt any leadings to leave. Although, I guess I could interpret my need to lie about my background as a disconnect from what best glorifies Spirit. But, working for this world renowned institution in the epidemiology center gives me credibility to do other things, effect other changes in the world that I might not have if I were, say, a nanny or working in a bookstore. To me, it feels this is a good place to be. I trust God to nudge me when it's time to make a change.
This leads me to an interesting meditation on sin. A post for another day...
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Irony and Humor
I read a book a few years ago, or, I should say that I think I read the first few chapters of a book a few years ago. Unfortunately, I can't remember the name of the book nor the author's name; that he was a young man, in his early 20s, I think, is all I remember. In the book he was writing about humor and how what our culture perceives as funny has changed. He used the TV show Seinfeld as the 
example for current humor. Seinfeld humor is based on irony. It's an insider humor. It's about US, our club, our clique and how we see the outside world-THEM-as not like us, therefore, potential objects of ridicule. The author went on to say that popular culture humor in the past was based on the main character being an outsider and being the underdog and ultimately triumphing, through his own wit, over the buffoon, bully establishment: Think Charlie Chaplin's Little Tramp or The Honeymooners.
example for current humor. Seinfeld humor is based on irony. It's an insider humor. It's about US, our club, our clique and how we see the outside world-THEM-as not like us, therefore, potential objects of ridicule. The author went on to say that popular culture humor in the past was based on the main character being an outsider and being the underdog and ultimately triumphing, through his own wit, over the buffoon, bully establishment: Think Charlie Chaplin's Little Tramp or The Honeymooners. I just finished reading a novel called Rock Bottom by Michael Shilling. There's a very small genre of popular lit right now based
in rock-n-roll. When I picked this up at the library, I figured a little light reading; nothing really challenging, just escapism pure and simple. I'm not going to say that this book will enter the tome of classics, but it was surprisingly good: The characters were well-developed, the plot was consistent and believable, the story was good. Mainly, the story is about irony; about a band that is created ironically and the people in it. Not to give the plot away too badly but through the story, the characters are forced to face how their ironic posturing and cynicism protected them for a while but ultimately harmed them and most everyone around them. The novel was about the painful peeling of the onion skin until the heart of the person is revealed (and the author did a good job of making the process not seem contrived or manipulative for any of the characters).
in rock-n-roll. When I picked this up at the library, I figured a little light reading; nothing really challenging, just escapism pure and simple. I'm not going to say that this book will enter the tome of classics, but it was surprisingly good: The characters were well-developed, the plot was consistent and believable, the story was good. Mainly, the story is about irony; about a band that is created ironically and the people in it. Not to give the plot away too badly but through the story, the characters are forced to face how their ironic posturing and cynicism protected them for a while but ultimately harmed them and most everyone around them. The novel was about the painful peeling of the onion skin until the heart of the person is revealed (and the author did a good job of making the process not seem contrived or manipulative for any of the characters).I think irony is a protective tool people learn to use to keep themselves from feeling vulnerable. I know that's true for me. Sheesh, I was such a nerdgirl in 5th, 6th, and 7th grade. I got made fun of all the time. By high school, I'd learned irony and gathered around me a group of misfits and fellow-nerds. We were the outsiders (proto-wannabe-post-punks) who were picked on and made fun of by the dominate culture but we had each other (and music) and we got through with the help of a jaded outlook and irony.
I love the movie Ghostworld which perfectly describes the cynicism and insecurity I felt when I graduated from high school. I hated the culture I lived in but didn't have the skills, knowledge or self-awareness to be anything different from what I was familiar with.
Anyway, as I get older and am able to let go of bits and pieces of that armor I've carried for all the years and accept myself as I am and not try to hide my "true face" from the world, I see that irony, while occasionally helpful, is really very harmful when it's societally endemic.
I think that the ultimate loss that comes from irony is that of compassion. When were busy defining US versus THEM and laughing at Them, we're not feeling for Them and we're not aware of our connections to Them or realizing that, ultimately, We ARE Them and They are Us--we're all one. Irony makes us think that we are all we need, which is so wrong and so sad.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Irony
I love irony. I frequently find humor in irony and, if it makes me laugh, it's good with me. But, I've been thinking about irony and false witness. Often, irony is contingent on saying one thing but meaning another, which is usually fine as long as everyone "gets it". However, I do know some people that don't seem to understand irony. I could, and in the past, have, written them off as humorless, which I've always thought is about the worse thing a person can be. One important aspect of irony is that, by it's nature, some people will get it and be insiders and some won't and be outsiders. If everyone got it irony wouldn't be ironic. Favoring a method of humor that, by it's nature, excludes some people and judging those who also favor it and those who don't understand it feels very shallow to me right now. Some irony-free people are people I value, trust and respect. When I say something ironic in front of them and they give me that look of incomprehension or confusion and then I have to explain that "no I didn't mean I really liked what I said I liked. In truth I disliked it but I was saying I liked it to be funny" and then they ask why would that be funny or just give me that look I realize how, um, unforthright I sound.
I can't imagine that I'm going irony-free from this moment on; I have too much weakness for an easy punchline. I do think that I'll sometimes be more aware of how my words are taken by others.
I can't imagine that I'm going irony-free from this moment on; I have too much weakness for an easy punchline. I do think that I'll sometimes be more aware of how my words are taken by others.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
O the Irony
I am an avid thrift store shopper. I usually hit one or another at least every other week. Saturday, I found a funky skirt, some black pants that I needed quite badly for scooter riding/work and a pair of house shoes. Now, normally I wouldn't look twice at a pair of house shoes at Goodwill, but these were extra special and half-off of $2.99 so I grabbed them. I kept walking through the store and smirking every time my eyes lit on them resting in my shopping cart. What they say on them is "Rejoice with Jesus" with a golden/orange cutout of praying hands.
I bought them because they are absurd. Why? I mean, really, WHY? Who would conceive, design, manufacture and market houseslippers with a Godfish on the heel and "Rejoice with Jesus on the toe? Who would buy them? What is the point? Ridiculous.
I bought them ironically. But the thing that's happened is that every time I glance at them, I get the Violent Femmes song "Rejoice and Be Happy" in my head and it makes me smile and I sing it as a prayer. So, the irony is that these stupid houseslippers have actually done for me what, perhaps (if one is not being cynical about a consumeristic society), they were originally created to do: Act as a reminder of faith.
Rejoice & be happy when they revile you,
just like the Savior told us to do.
Rejoice & be glad when for His name's sake,
they speak all manner of evil and against you they hate.
Blessed are you who are persecuted too,
for righteousness & the good that you do,
if in the bread you put a little leaven,
Rejoice & be happy when they revile you,
just like the Savior told us to do.
Rejoice & be glad when for His name's sake,
they speak all manner of evil and against you they hate.
if you're not salty, what are you worth?
Rejoice & be ye exceedingly glad
for the prophets they did persecute too,
unjust though it was, they came way before you.
Rejoice & be happy when they revile you,
just like the Savior told us to do.
Rejoice & be glad when for His name's sake,
they speak all manner of evil and against you they hate.
if we're not salty, what are we worth?
Rejoice & be happy when they revile you,
just like the Savior told us to do.
Rejoice & be glad when for His name's sake,
they speak all manner of evil and against you they hate.
Rejoice & be happy when they revile you,
just like the Savior told us to do.
Rejoice & be glad when for His name's sake,
they speak all manner of evil and against you they hate.
Friday, May 8, 2009
May
It's been a long while. My last post was all worried about being bored in my job. Ha! I'm very challenged at work and I love it! Last night I began training on a third study, this one about childhood asthma and respiratory infections. I'm still spending most of my work time on the 90,000 cohort cancer study and doing a lot of supervisory and managerial work and I'm also working on a study about low birthweight infants. That one is really complicated because there are actually 11 different surveys for different stages of pregnancy and post-part um but it's really, really interesting. We ask about breastfeeding and other ways of feeding babies, about parent's perceptions of how babies learn, questions about development and lots of questions about appropriate discipline. One of the surveys is administered when the baby is 5 months old and I realize that 5 months is like the perfect baby age. I LOVE 5 month old babies and I about cry every time I'm asking the questions about if the baby can bring her hands together when she's laying on her back or if she stands with her feel flat when she's being held up by her mother.
Sigh...my baby is 6 years old now. My oldest turned 18 last month.
Speaking of my oldest: He turned 18 two weeks ago on Monday and on Tuesday went to the school to drop out. I guess you could say we're a homeschooling family again, although this time he's doing it completely on his own. He's working on taking the GED. He's got a job working in a cafe. He's talking about going to college in another year to study theater tech (lighting and sound). He seems to be looking toward the future and seeing himself as an adult so I am fine with where he is and what he's doing. I'm pretty proud of him for being such a strong individual. He seems to be really identifying what is important to him and his values are ones I value, as well. He has chosen to not register for the Selective Service even thought that decision has the potential to really limit his options for the future. He is a apologetically anti-military. He's become really aware of health and diet and is eating a mostly meat-free diet. He's got a good work ethic and is very independent.
My middle son got into the school for the arts for next year for film-making. I'm so happy about it! And, that school is opting out of the school uniform for next year so my sweetie can dress like himself! I think he'll love it there. Zed is going to the Southern Appalachian Yearly Meeting in June to hang with the SAYFers (Southern Appalachia Young Friends). This is the first year he's gone. A couple from NFM, Linda and Thais, are sponsoring him and he'll be riding with them, which I think he'll love. I'm so glad he has made SAYF an important part of his life.
Carmac, my 6 y/o seems to have finally adjusted to school. He's at East Academy, a small private school, and loves it. He's made friends and every day he tells me that his day was way better than average.
Hammy and I have had a really rocky six months or so. That's part of why I haven't been writing. Our marriage was taking so much of my energy and it is so important but it wasn't something that I could lay out for the world to read. We're finding our way back to one another and moving slowly toward better unity. We're taking vacation time next month to go to Bonnaroo together and are really looking forward to 4 days of music and just hanging out together. I really like him when I'm not pissed at him and I think he feels the same about me. Music is the vehicle that brings out the best in both of us and brings us closer together. The day-to-day grind of these householder years brings out the worst.
My job requires me to work at least 3 nights until 9:00 pm a week and at least every other weekend (I'm actually working every night this week and 3 weekends in a row except this Saturday). I am able to have flexibility in scheduling my time as long as I meet those requirements. In order to be able to spend time with Carmac , I go into work at 8 am, work until 12 or 1, go pick him up from school and then Zed up from school, take them to the house and hang out for an hour helping with homework and then work 5-9. It's a crazy long day but it meets everybody's needs as best as I am able. Obviously, I feel a lot of stress from all the running, running, running I do.
I'm on the Ministry and Counsel committee at Meeting this year. I also facilitated another year of Growing In the Light. I had to email the other members of M&C recently to let them know that I can't take on any more responsibility. I think I said something to the effect that I am obligated to my job and my family and NFM responsibilities are the one area of my life that I feel I have the choice to let go of. I'm not resigning from the committee, I just can't do anything else.
I didn't go to meeting last week; the first time in months and months: Hammy, Carmac and I took a walk instead. I won't be there this Sunday either because we'll be on our way back from Atlanta and then I have to work at 3. I feel pretty ambiguous about this. On the one hand, I know my life is enriched by making NFM an intimate part of my day-to-day life. On the other hand, added responsibility leads to added stress. I am more centered when I attend to my spiritual self with awareness but adding that to my to-do list defeats the purpose. I strive to live in the Light so that my life is a reflection of God's love for me. But I feel so overwhelmed by my current schedule that I'm mostly out of touch with any awareness of that Light in me. On the one hand I know it's OK to be caught up in the householder years and that making my family my priority is acceptable, if not ideal. On the other I think that if I don't have time to be aware of God, something is seriously out of balance. It's almost like sinning in the sense of "falling short of your target". I know what is right and I'm allowing myself to take the easy path.
One of our goals is for Hammy and me to move to an old house near Carmac's school; we've wanted to live there ever since we moved out of that neighborhood 20 years ago. It's the area we love with sidewalks and places to walk and frequent buses. It's a very diverse part of town. In order for that to happen, I have to have this job and the kids have to be in school and we can't go back to the lazy-hazy daze of homeschooling. None of us wants to go back to that; we're all happier where we are now. But we're also more stressed for time.
When I was daydreaming about living in one of the big, old fixer-uppers in that part of town, a door opened and I envisioned having a weekly evening Quaker worship group in my house. It would be informal. We'd welcome everyone. It would be unprogrammed. It would be a Friendly House worship group. An offshoot of NFM. I love NFM and I treasure my relationships with it and with the people of it. But the idea of allowing a new worship dynamic to be born is really exciting to me. At NFM we fully expect Spirit to arise in very established ways; I don't think that collectively we're able to allow ourselves to let Spirit lead us anywhere outside of our comfort zone and I don't think we have the ability to support any individual to do that, either. I long to be in a place that challenges me to grow.
I think that's why I'm feeling NFM is something I can lesson my commitment to. I need to feel actively challenged and supported in my journey to Spirit and I'm not getting that right now. That's one reason I created Growing In the Light last year and organized it this year. And, while I did get a lot out of it, I don't feel challenged by it. I want someone to hold my spiritual feet to the fire and what I got is loving, supportive spiritual group therapy.
I'm not sure where this is leading. I feel a little of the agitation I felt several years ago that lead to me becoming a member of NFM. I feel that perhaps I am ready to grow into something but, natch, I don't know where or what or how. Writing this out helps me to see that settling into comfortable householder years routine is not an option. My soul longs toward God even when I'm so overwhelmed that my jaw aches from grinding my teeth at night from stress. God is. God waits. I flit. I stress. I have glimpses and then I forget. Even when I am at my most thoughtlessly distracted, I am aware that my smile is something I can give, that I can welcome each person I encounter and show them that I'm glad that they are, with my smile. I accept you. I'm glad I see you today. That doesn't seem like much, I know, but when I smile at the guy who keeps our parking lot clean at work or at the person walking past me on the sidewalk, it's a reminder to me that I am a reflection of God's love. I wanna smile like Jesus. When I think of what it must have felt like to encounter Christ (in any Christ-incarnation)--that pureness of intent. I think Jesus must have be free enough of ego to be able to intuit the true face of each person he encountered. And I think that people either responded by feeling pure acceptance and love or absolute, abject fear. I want my smile to be the best reflection of that acceptance and love that I can allow it to be. I want my smile to be an outward gift and an inward prayer.
Sigh...my baby is 6 years old now. My oldest turned 18 last month.
Speaking of my oldest: He turned 18 two weeks ago on Monday and on Tuesday went to the school to drop out. I guess you could say we're a homeschooling family again, although this time he's doing it completely on his own. He's working on taking the GED. He's got a job working in a cafe. He's talking about going to college in another year to study theater tech (lighting and sound). He seems to be looking toward the future and seeing himself as an adult so I am fine with where he is and what he's doing. I'm pretty proud of him for being such a strong individual. He seems to be really identifying what is important to him and his values are ones I value, as well. He has chosen to not register for the Selective Service even thought that decision has the potential to really limit his options for the future. He is a apologetically anti-military. He's become really aware of health and diet and is eating a mostly meat-free diet. He's got a good work ethic and is very independent.
My middle son got into the school for the arts for next year for film-making. I'm so happy about it! And, that school is opting out of the school uniform for next year so my sweetie can dress like himself! I think he'll love it there. Zed is going to the Southern Appalachian Yearly Meeting in June to hang with the SAYFers (Southern Appalachia Young Friends). This is the first year he's gone. A couple from NFM, Linda and Thais, are sponsoring him and he'll be riding with them, which I think he'll love. I'm so glad he has made SAYF an important part of his life.
Carmac, my 6 y/o seems to have finally adjusted to school. He's at East Academy, a small private school, and loves it. He's made friends and every day he tells me that his day was way better than average.
Hammy and I have had a really rocky six months or so. That's part of why I haven't been writing. Our marriage was taking so much of my energy and it is so important but it wasn't something that I could lay out for the world to read. We're finding our way back to one another and moving slowly toward better unity. We're taking vacation time next month to go to Bonnaroo together and are really looking forward to 4 days of music and just hanging out together. I really like him when I'm not pissed at him and I think he feels the same about me. Music is the vehicle that brings out the best in both of us and brings us closer together. The day-to-day grind of these householder years brings out the worst.
My job requires me to work at least 3 nights until 9:00 pm a week and at least every other weekend (I'm actually working every night this week and 3 weekends in a row except this Saturday). I am able to have flexibility in scheduling my time as long as I meet those requirements. In order to be able to spend time with Carmac , I go into work at 8 am, work until 12 or 1, go pick him up from school and then Zed up from school, take them to the house and hang out for an hour helping with homework and then work 5-9. It's a crazy long day but it meets everybody's needs as best as I am able. Obviously, I feel a lot of stress from all the running, running, running I do.
I'm on the Ministry and Counsel committee at Meeting this year. I also facilitated another year of Growing In the Light. I had to email the other members of M&C recently to let them know that I can't take on any more responsibility. I think I said something to the effect that I am obligated to my job and my family and NFM responsibilities are the one area of my life that I feel I have the choice to let go of. I'm not resigning from the committee, I just can't do anything else.
I didn't go to meeting last week; the first time in months and months: Hammy, Carmac and I took a walk instead. I won't be there this Sunday either because we'll be on our way back from Atlanta and then I have to work at 3. I feel pretty ambiguous about this. On the one hand, I know my life is enriched by making NFM an intimate part of my day-to-day life. On the other hand, added responsibility leads to added stress. I am more centered when I attend to my spiritual self with awareness but adding that to my to-do list defeats the purpose. I strive to live in the Light so that my life is a reflection of God's love for me. But I feel so overwhelmed by my current schedule that I'm mostly out of touch with any awareness of that Light in me. On the one hand I know it's OK to be caught up in the householder years and that making my family my priority is acceptable, if not ideal. On the other I think that if I don't have time to be aware of God, something is seriously out of balance. It's almost like sinning in the sense of "falling short of your target". I know what is right and I'm allowing myself to take the easy path.
One of our goals is for Hammy and me to move to an old house near Carmac's school; we've wanted to live there ever since we moved out of that neighborhood 20 years ago. It's the area we love with sidewalks and places to walk and frequent buses. It's a very diverse part of town. In order for that to happen, I have to have this job and the kids have to be in school and we can't go back to the lazy-hazy daze of homeschooling. None of us wants to go back to that; we're all happier where we are now. But we're also more stressed for time.
When I was daydreaming about living in one of the big, old fixer-uppers in that part of town, a door opened and I envisioned having a weekly evening Quaker worship group in my house. It would be informal. We'd welcome everyone. It would be unprogrammed. It would be a Friendly House worship group. An offshoot of NFM. I love NFM and I treasure my relationships with it and with the people of it. But the idea of allowing a new worship dynamic to be born is really exciting to me. At NFM we fully expect Spirit to arise in very established ways; I don't think that collectively we're able to allow ourselves to let Spirit lead us anywhere outside of our comfort zone and I don't think we have the ability to support any individual to do that, either. I long to be in a place that challenges me to grow.
I think that's why I'm feeling NFM is something I can lesson my commitment to. I need to feel actively challenged and supported in my journey to Spirit and I'm not getting that right now. That's one reason I created Growing In the Light last year and organized it this year. And, while I did get a lot out of it, I don't feel challenged by it. I want someone to hold my spiritual feet to the fire and what I got is loving, supportive spiritual group therapy.
I'm not sure where this is leading. I feel a little of the agitation I felt several years ago that lead to me becoming a member of NFM. I feel that perhaps I am ready to grow into something but, natch, I don't know where or what or how. Writing this out helps me to see that settling into comfortable householder years routine is not an option. My soul longs toward God even when I'm so overwhelmed that my jaw aches from grinding my teeth at night from stress. God is. God waits. I flit. I stress. I have glimpses and then I forget. Even when I am at my most thoughtlessly distracted, I am aware that my smile is something I can give, that I can welcome each person I encounter and show them that I'm glad that they are, with my smile. I accept you. I'm glad I see you today. That doesn't seem like much, I know, but when I smile at the guy who keeps our parking lot clean at work or at the person walking past me on the sidewalk, it's a reminder to me that I am a reflection of God's love. I wanna smile like Jesus. When I think of what it must have felt like to encounter Christ (in any Christ-incarnation)--that pureness of intent. I think Jesus must have be free enough of ego to be able to intuit the true face of each person he encountered. And I think that people either responded by feeling pure acceptance and love or absolute, abject fear. I want my smile to be the best reflection of that acceptance and love that I can allow it to be. I want my smile to be an outward gift and an inward prayer.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The Devil in the Details
For years I've thought I had a fear of failure...
or maybe a fear of success; I'm not sure I know the difference. I think in both instances, what the person is really afraid of is being found out to be a fraud. And yeah, I do have a pretty good amount of that. I mean, I work in a department full of people with multiple advanced degrees. Even some of the janitorial staff were scientist and doctors in their home countries. I do feel like, in some ways, I'm an impostor with my high school diploma, terrible inability to spell accurately, and ridiculously poor math skills. But, I'm really good at my job and I think I'm absolutely up to all the work I'm performing. I know that I am doing well and have contributed very positively to our department (how's that for "work speak"?!).
Up to now, I've really enjoyed my job. I've spent the last two months designing and creating a training program for the new people our department has and will be hiring. Monday, I did the final four hour group instruction. This final class was my baby. The rest of the group instruction was at least somewhat informed by departmental and project protocol requirements. Monday's class, though, was based entirely on research I did into phone interviewing. I studied many research papers and studies that have been done on research study techniques and what works most effectively. I wrote the text, designed the Power Point presentation, wrote example dialog, developed practice scenarios and made a Power Point Jeopardy! game. With the exception of making the mistake of handing out paperwork at the beginning of class that needed to be turned in at the end of class and not having the full attention of the trainees the first few minutes, it went really well. The class was engaged and involved. Lots of good questions were asked. I'm proud of myself. (I won't ever know how much impact that particular module has on the interviewers, though, because we don't have a control group of interviewers who didn't do the training. I'd really be interested, in future, to be able to divide a group of new hires into one set who do this training and the other who doesn't and look at their call outcome rates.)
Anyway, up to now, I've really enjoyed my job. But the supervisors begin working live cases next week and the new hires begin the following week and I've found my mind wandering to "hmmm, I could see myself working (fill in the blank)." Next week, I will be spending at least half my work time making one phone call after another for hours on end. Yes, I will be doing scheduling and other supervisory duties but I will no longer be doing innovative work. And, for this project, we will be following a 90,000 person cohort attempting to get them to participate in a 15 minute survey over the phone: There will be no relationship built, no following individuals and getting to know them--just one phone call after another.
What I've just learned about myself is not that I have a fear of success or failure but that I have an intense fear of boredom. I really do not do well with routine. Somewhere between 10% and 25% of my time spent on administrative duties is about perfect; I am forced to be organized without being boxed in. I LOVED my last two jobs. About a decade ago, I worked for a year and a half as a volunteer coordinator for a non-profit. I did public speaking and recruiting, organizingand supervising volunteer staff. I also wrote for the newsletter and helped organize fundraisers. I got to help with the children's program and got to know the adults in our programs. I did a lot of admin stuff but that was tempered by the wide variety of other duties. And the last seven years I worked as a field interviewer were equally enjoyable because of the diversity of my tasks.
On the one hand, I'm really proud to be in the position I'm in. I desire to do well and grow in the department. I am feeling some amount of ambition. I want to be a success.
On the other hand, I'm starting to panic at the thought of the (to me) mind-numbing routine. This is where the fear of failure comes into play: I am not good about attention to day-to-day detail. When I am bored, I find it impossible to make myself pay attention to detail and I make mistakes. And, of course, the more mistakes I make, the more likely it is that I will be found lacking by my superiors (being found out to be a fraud).
I'm really not sure what to do about this. I've committed to this job. My boss is really relying on me. I know my place and I am intrinsically important. I mean, I know that I'm not indispensable, but I also know that it would be a major pain to have to replace me.
I'm not one to jump on the "better living through pharmaceuticals" bandwagon but I wonder if ADHD meds might help me focus better on the things my brain doesn't see or do well, like details. But then I really think about it and know it would be crazy to medicate in order to fit a particular job.
What I've come to know about myself from this job and looking back over the past decade is that I love doing presentations and trainings. I love speaking to individuals and groups of people. I enjoy motivating people. I'm good at networking and making connections between people and between people and resources. I love organizing people and creating community. I need a small amount of structure but I need to be able to schedule it in my own way. I need to think creatively and innovate and find ways to improve the old or develop the new. I like to teach, but not the same thing over and over.
What kind of work can someone without any college do with those skills and needs? That would be reliable and provide a livable wage, that is.
I'm praying for guidance. And maybe the way opening is for me to stay put and learn the lessons I can learn where I am. I will continue to do the best I am able where I am. I will try to focus and follow-through on the routine stuff to the best of my ability. I will try to find "that of God" in myself and ignore the devil in the details (ha!). I am also very open to suggestions.
or maybe a fear of success; I'm not sure I know the difference. I think in both instances, what the person is really afraid of is being found out to be a fraud. And yeah, I do have a pretty good amount of that. I mean, I work in a department full of people with multiple advanced degrees. Even some of the janitorial staff were scientist and doctors in their home countries. I do feel like, in some ways, I'm an impostor with my high school diploma, terrible inability to spell accurately, and ridiculously poor math skills. But, I'm really good at my job and I think I'm absolutely up to all the work I'm performing. I know that I am doing well and have contributed very positively to our department (how's that for "work speak"?!).
Up to now, I've really enjoyed my job. I've spent the last two months designing and creating a training program for the new people our department has and will be hiring. Monday, I did the final four hour group instruction. This final class was my baby. The rest of the group instruction was at least somewhat informed by departmental and project protocol requirements. Monday's class, though, was based entirely on research I did into phone interviewing. I studied many research papers and studies that have been done on research study techniques and what works most effectively. I wrote the text, designed the Power Point presentation, wrote example dialog, developed practice scenarios and made a Power Point Jeopardy! game. With the exception of making the mistake of handing out paperwork at the beginning of class that needed to be turned in at the end of class and not having the full attention of the trainees the first few minutes, it went really well. The class was engaged and involved. Lots of good questions were asked. I'm proud of myself. (I won't ever know how much impact that particular module has on the interviewers, though, because we don't have a control group of interviewers who didn't do the training. I'd really be interested, in future, to be able to divide a group of new hires into one set who do this training and the other who doesn't and look at their call outcome rates.)
Anyway, up to now, I've really enjoyed my job. But the supervisors begin working live cases next week and the new hires begin the following week and I've found my mind wandering to "hmmm, I could see myself working (fill in the blank)." Next week, I will be spending at least half my work time making one phone call after another for hours on end. Yes, I will be doing scheduling and other supervisory duties but I will no longer be doing innovative work. And, for this project, we will be following a 90,000 person cohort attempting to get them to participate in a 15 minute survey over the phone: There will be no relationship built, no following individuals and getting to know them--just one phone call after another.
What I've just learned about myself is not that I have a fear of success or failure but that I have an intense fear of boredom. I really do not do well with routine. Somewhere between 10% and 25% of my time spent on administrative duties is about perfect; I am forced to be organized without being boxed in. I LOVED my last two jobs. About a decade ago, I worked for a year and a half as a volunteer coordinator for a non-profit. I did public speaking and recruiting, organizingand supervising volunteer staff. I also wrote for the newsletter and helped organize fundraisers. I got to help with the children's program and got to know the adults in our programs. I did a lot of admin stuff but that was tempered by the wide variety of other duties. And the last seven years I worked as a field interviewer were equally enjoyable because of the diversity of my tasks.
On the one hand, I'm really proud to be in the position I'm in. I desire to do well and grow in the department. I am feeling some amount of ambition. I want to be a success.
On the other hand, I'm starting to panic at the thought of the (to me) mind-numbing routine. This is where the fear of failure comes into play: I am not good about attention to day-to-day detail. When I am bored, I find it impossible to make myself pay attention to detail and I make mistakes. And, of course, the more mistakes I make, the more likely it is that I will be found lacking by my superiors (being found out to be a fraud).
I'm really not sure what to do about this. I've committed to this job. My boss is really relying on me. I know my place and I am intrinsically important. I mean, I know that I'm not indispensable, but I also know that it would be a major pain to have to replace me.
I'm not one to jump on the "better living through pharmaceuticals" bandwagon but I wonder if ADHD meds might help me focus better on the things my brain doesn't see or do well, like details. But then I really think about it and know it would be crazy to medicate in order to fit a particular job.
What I've come to know about myself from this job and looking back over the past decade is that I love doing presentations and trainings. I love speaking to individuals and groups of people. I enjoy motivating people. I'm good at networking and making connections between people and between people and resources. I love organizing people and creating community. I need a small amount of structure but I need to be able to schedule it in my own way. I need to think creatively and innovate and find ways to improve the old or develop the new. I like to teach, but not the same thing over and over.
What kind of work can someone without any college do with those skills and needs? That would be reliable and provide a livable wage, that is.
I'm praying for guidance. And maybe the way opening is for me to stay put and learn the lessons I can learn where I am. I will continue to do the best I am able where I am. I will try to focus and follow-through on the routine stuff to the best of my ability. I will try to find "that of God" in myself and ignore the devil in the details (ha!). I am also very open to suggestions.
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