confession

I deliberately lied to someone a few days ago. It was at work. I was helping one of my staff as she was training to work on a new project. She was interviewing me and I was playing the role of a research participant. Usually, when doing this, I would give answers as if I were one of the many people I've interviewed in the past but this time, mainly because this was a study I'm unfamiliar with, I just answered the questions as myself. I don't eat meat. I have never had a colonoscopy nor been diagnosed with polyps but my mother has. My father had elevated PSA levels but was not diagnosed with cancer. I walk about 30 minutes a day. I have three children. I weigh 150 lbs. I'm 5'7" tall. I work as a research study interviewer. I've completed, um, 16 years of schooling.

There it is. I lied about my educational background. I actually stunned myself when I did. Well, first I kicked myself for not anticipating the question and giving fake answers.

I'm asking myself some questions:
Am I ashamed of my lack of education? No, I don't think I am. Frequently frustrated, yes, but not ashamed. Actually, I'd say I'm really proud of myself to have done all the things I've done without the educational foundation that so many people take for granted (the pride issue would be gist for another post).

Is my ego attached to how people perceive me? Yes, some. The woman I was working with is a very nice person; she's quite a bit older than me, has family in the same part of Indiana that I do. She's a college professor but I think comes from humble beginnings. I don't think she would judge me harshly as a person. I don't care if she, personally, knows that I didn't go to college. Personally, I don't really think I much care if anyone knows. But professionally, that's a different thing. I'm not a terribly ambitious person but I do want the opportunity to grow in my job and in the department. I have staff under me who have masters degrees. I think there are currently 2 people in our department, besides myself, who have no higher levels of education and they're both in part-time, uncareer-oriented positions. I am very good at my job and I want to be taken seriously. I'm respected as a leader. I don't think that would change if word go out that I am "uneducated" but it's not outside of possible that some people's attitudes toward me could subtly change. I might not be taken as seriously. My authority as a leader could very well suffer, which would damage my potential for advancement in our department.

I have no intention of rectifying the misrepresentation. I didn't lie to change her perception of me, more to maintain the current perception of me as qualified to lead. Having a degree, particularly in an academic setting, is almost a universal requisite: I am the very rare exception. I lied because I want to maintain the level of leadership I hold. Yes, I suppose that is ego but it's ego rooted in pragmatism. I guess if I stepped way back and looked at my situation with the broadest perspective, I'd see that having this job or not is ultimately not important. In this lifetime at this time, I do need a job. I don't know if this is where God wants me to be but this is where I am and I haven't felt any leadings to leave. Although, I guess I could interpret my need to lie about my background as a disconnect from what best glorifies Spirit. But, working for this world renowned institution in the epidemiology center gives me credibility to do other things, effect other changes in the world that I might not have if I were, say, a nanny or working in a bookstore. To me, it feels this is a good place to be. I trust God to nudge me when it's time to make a change.

This leads me to an interesting meditation on sin. A post for another day...

Irony and Humor

I read a book a few years ago, or, I should say that I think I read the first few chapters of a book a few years ago. Unfortunately, I can't remember the name of the book nor the author's name; that he was a young man, in his early 20s, I think, is all I remember. In the book he was writing about humor and how what our culture perceives as funny has changed. He used the TV show Seinfeld as the example for current humor. Seinfeld humor is based on irony. It's an insider humor. It's about US, our club, our clique and how we see the outside world-THEM-as not like us, therefore, potential objects of ridicule. The author went on to say that popular culture humor in the past was based on the main character being an outsider and being the underdog and ultimately triumphing, through his own wit, over the buffoon, bully establishment: Think Charlie Chaplin's Little Tramp or The Honeymooners.

I just finished reading a novel called Rock Bottom by Michael Shilling. There's a very small genre of popular lit right now based in rock-n-roll. When I picked this up at the library, I figured a little light reading; nothing really challenging, just escapism pure and simple. I'm not going to say that this book will enter the tome of classics, but it was surprisingly good: The characters were well-developed, the plot was consistent and believable, the story was good. Mainly, the story is about irony; about a band that is created ironically and the people in it. Not to give the plot away too badly but through the story, the characters are forced to face how their ironic posturing and cynicism protected them for a while but ultimately harmed them and most everyone around them. The novel was about the painful peeling of the onion skin until the heart of the person is revealed (and the author did a good job of making the process not seem contrived or manipulative for any of the characters).

I think irony is a protective tool people learn to use to keep themselves from feeling vulnerable. I know that's true for me. Sheesh, I was such a nerdgirl in 5th, 6th, and 7th grade. I got made fun of all the time. By high school, I'd learned irony and gathered around me a group of misfits and fellow-nerds. We were the outsiders (proto-wannabe-post-punks) who were picked on and made fun of by the dominate culture but we had each other (and music) and we got through with the help of a jaded outlook and irony.

I love the movie Ghostworld which perfectly describes the cynicism and insecurity I felt when I graduated from high school. I hated the culture I lived in but didn't have the skills, knowledge or self-awareness to be anything different from what I was familiar with.

Anyway, as I get older and am able to let go of bits and pieces of that armor I've carried for all the years and accept myself as I am and not try to hide my "true face" from the world, I see that irony, while occasionally helpful, is really very harmful when it's societally endemic.

I think that the ultimate loss that comes from irony is that of compassion. When were busy defining US versus THEM and laughing at Them, we're not feeling for Them and we're not aware of our connections to Them or realizing that, ultimately, We ARE Them and They are Us--we're all one. Irony makes us think that we are all we need, which is so wrong and so sad.

Irony

I love irony. I frequently find humor in irony and, if it makes me laugh, it's good with me. But, I've been thinking about irony and false witness. Often, irony is contingent on saying one thing but meaning another, which is usually fine as long as everyone "gets it". However, I do know some people that don't seem to understand irony. I could, and in the past, have, written them off as humorless, which I've always thought is about the worse thing a person can be. One important aspect of irony is that, by it's nature, some people will get it and be insiders and some won't and be outsiders. If everyone got it irony wouldn't be ironic. Favoring a method of humor that, by it's nature, excludes some people and judging those who also favor it and those who don't understand it feels very shallow to me right now. Some irony-free people are people I value, trust and respect. When I say something ironic in front of them and they give me that look of incomprehension or confusion and then I have to explain that "no I didn't mean I really liked what I said I liked. In truth I disliked it but I was saying I liked it to be funny" and then they ask why would that be funny or just give me that look I realize how, um, unforthright I sound.

I can't imagine that I'm going irony-free from this moment on; I have too much weakness for an easy punchline. I do think that I'll sometimes be more aware of how my words are taken by others.

O the Irony

I am an avid thrift store shopper. I usually hit one or another at least every other week. Saturday, I found a funky skirt, some black pants that I needed quite badly for scooter riding/work and a pair of house shoes. Now, normally I wouldn't look twice at a pair of house shoes at Goodwill, but these were extra special and half-off of $2.99 so I grabbed them. I kept walking through the store and smirking every time my eyes lit on them resting in my shopping cart. What they say on them is "Rejoice with Jesus" with a golden/orange cutout of praying hands.

I bought them because they are absurd. Why? I mean, really, WHY? Who would conceive, design, manufacture and market houseslippers with a Godfish on the heel and "Rejoice with Jesus on the toe? Who would buy them? What is the point? Ridiculous.

I bought them ironically. But the thing that's happened is that every time I glance at them, I get the Violent Femmes song "Rejoice and Be Happy" in my head and it makes me smile and I sing it as a prayer. So, the irony is that these stupid houseslippers have actually done for me what, perhaps (if one is not being cynical about a consumeristic society), they were originally created to do: Act as a reminder of faith.

Rejoice & be happy when they revile you,

just like the Savior told us to do.

Rejoice & be glad when for His name's sake,

they speak all manner of evil and against you they hate.

Blessed are you who are persecuted too,

for righteousness & the good that you do,

if in the bread you put a little leaven,

the Kingdom is yours & it's the Kingdom of Heaven.

Rejoice & be happy when they revile you,

just like the Savior told us to do.

Rejoice & be glad when for His name's sake,

they speak all manner of evil and against you they hate.

Ye are the salt of the earth,

if you're not salty, what are you worth?

Rejoice & be ye exceedingly glad

for great is the reward in Heaven to be had

for the prophets they did persecute too,

unjust though it was, they came way before you.

Rejoice & be happy when they revile you,

just like the Savior told us to do.

Rejoice & be glad when for His name's sake,

they speak all manner of evil and against you they hate.

We are the salt of the earth,

if we're not salty, what are we worth?

Rejoice & be happy when they revile you,

just like the Savior told us to do.

Rejoice & be glad when for His name's sake,

they speak all manner of evil and against you they hate.

Rejoice & be happy when they revile you,

just like the Savior told us to do.

Rejoice & be glad when for His name's sake,

they speak all manner of evil and against you they hate.