pay someone else to do this for me. What right do I have to cause suffering for my own pleasure? (In this modern life of easily accessed protein, meat, I think, is pleasure and not necessity.)I feel the same way about the environmental disaster of the oil continually pouring into the gulf waters. BP held the weapon that caused the terrible wound but they did it at my behest. They did it because I insist on the right to drive my car. They did it because I refuse to alter my life sufficiently to access the buses or walk or get my body healthy enough to ride a bike. They did it because "It's not just my car, it's my freedom". They raped our Earth because I demanded they provide me with cheap fuel so I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. And not to get too "new agey", but Mother Earth is bleeding and her children are dying and we're watching the news and seeing the pictures and getting angry at BP and big oil companies and maybe sending money to the WWF and then turning our heads from the terrible suffering and then going out in our cars for ice cream. WHAT IS WRONG WITH US? what is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me that I can see my own culpability and know what I'm being called to do and yet be unable to do it? What is wrong that I can't make my own life be the life I know I am being called to live? What is wrong that I allow external forces to dictate what I do and how I act? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME that I keep driving, driving, driving, driving,driving as if I AM THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE AND NOTHING ELSE MATTERS MORE THAN FUCKING ICE CREAM RIGHT NOW.
8 comments:
I really like your blog. Yesterday I started reading an entry that was going to change my life in a good way but was interupted by a child's need and when I got back to the computer someone had taken over the computer. Never found that blog entry of yours back and now I'm trying to find it without any success. PLEASE HELP! :) It was about something you read that hit you hard dealing with time and what we fill our lives with, what we take on and how doing one thing means another will not get done. Does that sound familiar?
Oh nevermind, I'm embarrassed, I just found it! Good stuff.
If you were here, Mary, I'd give you a hug and a cup of tea, and suggest a couple of deep cleansing breaths. Hmmm, I need that myself right now. Anyhow, I don't think the problem is what is wrong with YOU.
But what is your vision? And what is it that stands between you and that vision?
Thank you for this post - it is so true, I can't quite look at it head-on. The whole question of "why am I not there?" is a gift right now. -Mina
I would love to sit and talk with you. Thanks for the love.
But the problem IS with me. It's with ALL of us--with our entire society. But it starts with ME.
My vision begins with being car-free as I was able to do the last year and a half we homeschooled. You know...it's kids and responsibility and life that stands between me and living it. Finn has to be driven to school. Z has to be picked up. Our schedule is too busy, too hectic to try to fit it all into the bus schedule. We live too far from what we do to ride bikes. You know, excuse, excuse, excuse...
Thanks for trying to absolve me but I think I NEED to feel this absolute discomfort of life so far removed from centered on God's call to me.
Maria,
Glad to meet you. Please, share your ideas and thoughts. I welcome other perspectives and ways of understanding. I welcome being held accountable.
Mary Linda
For too long I have numbed myself to the consequences of my energy/transportation decisions (numbed myself to the point I act mindlessly and don't make decisions) I feel grateful for the urgency of your message. Anything less might not get my attention. I am thinking of a query for myself: What have you done today to build a world without fossil fuel abuse? I won't change my job today, but I intend to reduce discretionary driving.
Mary, you'll have to forgive me for trying to sooth your discomfort - its the nurse in me that wants everybody feeling good. I guess this sense of discomfort/wrongness/whatever IS appropriate (for lack of a better word) and I look forward to reading your blog as you strive toward a life more in accord with what God wants for you. And please hold me in the light as I try to discern where my life should be ...
M-we need to talk about things. I don't think we're so far apart in some of the decisions we are working on. Too bad we're so geographically distant.
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