School
of the Spirit: On Being a Spiritual Nurturer
Research
Project
May,
2013
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| photo by Audry Deal-McEver |
Lord
if I ever needed someone, I need You
Lord
if I ever needed someone I need You
To
see me through the daytime
And
through the long lonely night
To
lead me through the darkness
And
on into the light
To
stand with me when I'm troubled
And
help me through my strife
When
times get so uncertain to turn to You
Turn
to You in my young life
Lord
if I ever needed someone, I need You
Lord
if I ever needed someone I need You
Someone
to hold onto
And
keep me from all fear
Someone
to be my guiding light
And
keep me ever dear
To
keep me from my selfishness
To
keep me from my sorrow
To
lead me on to givingness
So
I can see a new tomorrow
Lord
if I ever needed someone, I need You
Lord
if I ever needed someone I need You
Someone
to walk with
Oh
someone to hold by the hand
Someone
to talk with
Someone
to understand, yeah, yeah
Oh,
when I need You
Yeah,
I need You very much
To
open up my arms to You
Feel
Your tender touch
To
feel it and to keep it
To
be right here in my soul
And
care for it and keep it with me
Never
to grow old
*
* *
When
I need you
Up
until I began making a compilation CD for the man I was falling in
love with who would a year later become my husband, I only understood
this song in terms of relationship with the Divine. To me, the singer
was literally beseeching God, “to be my guiding light and
keep me ever dear.” The seed of my new relationship had been
planted several years before when we began talking about our
spiritual lives, first through our blogs and then in person at Quaker
youth retreats. I found Mark to be a kindred spirit: someone whose
relationship with God encouraged and edified me.
When
Mark and I made the decision to begin dating, we had already spent
many hours talking about God in our lives. Music is an important part
of my spiritual practice so I wanted to share with him some of the
songs that draw me closer to God. As I added this song, the lightbulb
went off and I realized Van Morrison is singing about a
longing for God and equally for a human relationship rooted in the
spiritual but fully human and sensuous. I had dreamed of a union like
this my entire adult life and was awed and humbled by the gift God
was giving me.
*
* *
Vulnerability
I
believe that the main thing any of us wants in life is to be known
for who we truly are. But for others to know us, we have to open and
share our authentic selves. It would seem this is the easiest, really
the natural thing to do: Be yourself. How difficult doing so really
is. We all carry layers of conditioning that protect us from exposure
that might lead to hurt. From family-of-origin stuff to junior high
school bullying to romantic rejection to social pressure to conform.
We want to be known but there are many risks in showing our inner
selves and we all have the emotional scars to prove it. Safer to keep
our true selves hidden but if we’re given the exact right
conditions, we may let people very close to us get little glimpses.
Some of us even find it safer to only share our innermost thoughts
with strangers in random anonymous encounters than with those with
whom we are closest.
The
word intimate is derived from Latin and means “most within”. It
would seem that the sexual, emotional, and daily familiarity of
marriage would facilitate sharing our most within selves but this is
often not the case. When we are married, the emotional stakes are
higher and the pain upon rejection is much greater. Sharing aspects
of our truest inner selves, whether sexual, emotional, or spiritual, with one another becomes far riskier because the consequences reflect
on not only our ideas about ourselves but also our beliefs about our
marriages. If I tell you I have this dream and you are unable to
accept it because it conflicts with your perception of who I am and
you respond negatively out of fear of change, not only do I feel
rejected but I may also squelch the dream and deny that yearning. No,
far safer to keep it to myself.
God
calls us to intimacy. If our great desire is to have our true
selves known by another human, how much more our yearning to be known
by God. In order to be known by God, though, we must open ourselves
to God. God, of course, already knows our truest selves. We try to
conceal ourselves but our Divine Parent knows us to our very soul. We
think we are hidden, but really we hide from ourselves. The painful
part of opening to God is that we first have to open ourselves to our
own observations and judgements about what we’ve pretended does not
exist. We have to examine the things we allow to come between
ourselves and God and doing so is often uncomfortable or even
painful. Easier and safer to keep busy with the television on and a
full schedule than to make the time and inner space for reflection
and inner observation. But if we are to have a mature relationship
with the Holy Spirit, a true relationship in which both parties are
present and engaged, we have to allow God within ourselves and the
only way to do that is to become vulnerable.
The
beauty of marriage is that through our relationship with our spouse,
as we are ready, we learn how to move out of fear of self-disclosure
and into trust and openness. Marriage has the potential to teach us
how to unveil ourselves and share our most inner selves with another
and in doing so, we also prepare ourselves to open to God.
For
some, this occurs naturally as a result of much spiritual and
emotional work. For others, it is a gradual process occurring in fits
and starts as individuals change and grow. Others, though, find they
have no choice but to share their authentic selves because a life in
which one must keep one's true self protected and hidden has ceased
to be meaningful (this is the root of mid-life crises, I think).
Being
our true selves in our marriages means not hiding or running from the
parts of ourselves that make us uncomfortable. It means being willing
to explore what works and what doesn’t. All relationships are about
give and take. In marriage, this is true
24/7-for-the-rest-of-our-lives. In marriage we must find ways to meet
the needs of another person without denying our own needs, not just
the “lid up or lid down” type of questions (which are only a
problem when they are symbolic of other, larger problems) but true
needs. “When you do this, I feel this way. Would you please explore
that with me?” or, “I don’t understand what you mean when you
say that. I thought I did but I'm not sure. Could you tell me more?”
Marriage should be the place where we can talk about our fears,
problems, dreams, hopes, and fantasies. Our partner may not share
them, may not even fully understand them but, in a truly intimate
relationship, they accept us as we are without denying, censoring, or
manipulating parts that make them uncomfortable. Because of this
acceptance, we then have the freedom to explore ourselves openly,
allowing us to grow emotionally and spiritually.
Sexuality,
naturally, is the most intimate aspect of an intimate relationship:
the facet most tender and risky. Couples may disagree more often
about money or chores but sexual intimacy is the place where
everything that each person brings to the relationship and everything
that is created between them is realized. Cultural and religious
conditioning, family of origin stuff, sexual history, mood, age,
health, energy level and so many other things impact what happens
between loving partners. True intimacy requires vulnerability which
requires becoming aware of and then releasing layers of habit
developed to protect our fragile egos. Trust in oneself is imperative
as is a faith that what is on the other side of self-disclosure will
be better than what happens with the masks on.
I
think the most important similarity between [sexuality and
spirituality] is the concept of surrender. By this, I don’t mean
giving up. We have aspects of ourselves that long for something
larger and greater than us. If you learn how to surrender in one
realm, you can transfer that wisdom into other realms. If you know
about surrendering to true love, then there’s the possibility that
you can use that learning for surrender to deeper spiritual
experience.
If
you have done the surrender to deeper spiritual experience, you can
use that learning for surrendering to true love. The latter is never
an easy surrender because life hurts so much. Sometimes true love
comes along—if it does come along, and it sometimes seems we have
been waiting a long time, too long—but when it does come along, you
have to ask yourself: “Can I unpack the bags? Take out all my
disappointments, all my anxiety, and set them aside and really join
with this other person?”
This
is true of romantic love but it’s also true of more casual
relationships. There are lots of different kinds of surrender, lots
of ways of learning about this very important concept. When we learn
surrender in one place, we can use it to surrender in another place.
I
want to conclude with a description. It is this: I take a very tender
part of myself and relax it completely. I find that I am able to
surrender to something larger than just me. There are many different
and amazing feelings and lots of sensation. It can become very
exciting and exhausting. It concludes, I experience separation, and
it’s just me again. I try to understand everything that’s
happened. Now, my query to you is: am I describing surrender to the
Holy Spirit in meeting for worship—or am I describing lovemaking?
It might be that they are remarkably similar.
Authenticity
I’m
thinking about sex here, specifically women’s sexuality. I dig the
writer Anne Lamott. I love her honesty and the truths that she
speaks. I read a new essay, “My
Year on Match.com” by her on Salon.com
recently which was brilliant and funny but this part made me sad:
I
am skittish about relationships, as most of the marriages I’ve seen
up close have been ruinous for one or both parties. In four-fifths of
them, the men want to have sex way more often than the women do. I
would say almost none of the women would care if they ever got laid
again, even when they are in good marriages. They do it because the
man wants to. They do it because it makes the men like them more, and
feel close for a while, but mostly women love it because they get to
check it off their to-do lists. It means they get a pass for a week
or two, or a month. It is not on the women’s bucket lists. I’m
sorry to have to tell you this.
I’ve
heard this same sentiment echoed by many women. Sex is a chore they
must do to maintain harmony in their relationship. Sex is something
they feel they should want but just don't. “Is that all there is?”
seems to be the bewildered lament of younger women. “Been there,
done that” the weary phrase of more mature ones.
Historically
this has not been the case, as a recent article I read on
Alternet.com
by Alyssa Goldstein entitled “When
Women Wanted Sex More” illustrates:
The
Puritans believed that sexual desire was a normal and natural part of
human life for both men and women (as long as it was heterosexual and
confined to marriage), but that women wanted and needed sex more than
men. A man could choose to give up sex with relatively little
trouble, but for a woman to be so deprived would be much more
difficult for her.
Jews
believe so strongly this same thing that it is written into most
Katubah (Jewish wedding contract) that the man has three obligations
to his wife in marriage: Food, shelter, and sexual
fulfillment. Neither spouse
should deny sexual intimacy to the other but the greater emphasis is
placed on the wife’s sexual needs because they were known to be
stronger. In their book Heavenly
Sex: Sexuality in the Jewish Tradition,
Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Jonathan Mark write:
The
Talmud does not tell a woman when she should make love. Presumably
she is always to be available, as she wishes, except when she
is having her period. But men are told exactly how often they should
make love, based on their professions. (italics mine)
So
how did we go from understanding that women had such the stronger sex
drive that their husbands had a religious command to make sweet love
to his wife to the modern belief that men are the more sexually
driven? How did we go from “...is is written that if a man is
unemployed and has nothing to do, he must make love to his wife at
least once a day. A laborer, presumably coming home exhausted, must
make love to his wife at least twice a week...” to, “Not tonight
dear, I have a headache”?
And
I don't mean to imply that this problem rests only with women. Every
so often a spate of articles will appear on-line citing the fact that
men, too, fake orgasm. In a recent interview promoting his book Why
Men Fake It, Dr.
Abraham Morgentaler cited an on-line survey in which 31% of
presumably young men admitted to faking it. He explained, “the
reasons men fake it are actually pretty similar to the reasons that
women fake it. . . . They’re kind of letting the other person know
that they’ve done a good job.” Additionally, the statistics about
the number of people in sexless marriages are staggering.
Modern
life is stressful. Duh. I’m not implying that life was easier in
the long ago what with pestilence and plagues and all that but I
imagine that people were more connected to their bodies than we are
today. We live in our heads, through our eyes and ears for the most
part, and often ignore or are unaware of our bodies as anything more
than vehicles to transport the to-do lists that are constantly being
revised in our brains. We are disconnected from our muscles and bones
and our work does not root our bodies in the world around us. When it
is time for bed, we turn off the laptop and the TV, set the phone to
silent and snuggle up next to our mate, exhausted. We remember with
fondness the fire we felt for one another when our relationships were
new but have difficulty mustering the energy to express any but warm
affection for one another.
Women,
especially, seem more disconnected from the pleasures our bodies
hold. The things in our heads distract us from our ability to center
into our senses and the delight of our physical selves. We need more
time and energy to find the ember of our sexuality hidden under
layers of other (decidedly unsexy) identities but time and energy are
the very things most lacking. Often, for the sake of harmony,
possibly guilt, but mostly because we genuinely love our mates, we
kindle enough warmth to connect briefly with one another, expressing
our love but not connecting with our true sexual nature.
What
happens, though, when we go through the motions with one another is
that we introduce falseness into our relationship. That's not to say
that we should never go along with our beloved when he or she is in
the mood and we're not quite there: We certainly should. We do
ourselves and our marriages a terrible disservice, though, when we
deny ourselves pleasure for expedience. When we forgo pleasure
because we're tired and finding the way to connect with our sexuality
is hard to do, we're saying that our marriage, and really we
ourselves, are not worth the time and energy. When we don't share our
true feelings with our spouse but instead go through the motions to
keep the peace or, worse, avoid the potential for any sexual contact
because it is awkward or disappointing, we're introducing
inauthenticity into our marriages.
In
order to have a truly intimate marriage, we have to be able to be
honest with our partner. Disclosing these things can be risky and
frightening but we must be vulnerable about our needs when things are
not-so-good, as well as when we're feeling secure and want to expand
our sexual repertoire. We need to be able to say to one another, “You
know, I am happy to be with you tonight but I'm feeling tired and
distracted. Can you be patient and help me to catch up to where you
are?” Doing so may require some digging into ourselves to figure
out what we are feeling and what that means in practical terms.
Sharing in this way requires each partner to own responsibility for
what happens; we can't simply rely on routine to get us through. It
may feel awkward and uncomfortable to explicitly say things that are
typically not spoken between spouses but in order for authentic
intimacy to be achieved, it is imperative for us to learn to talk
about the things that have the potential to either drive us apart or
draw us closer together.
From
Miguel A. De La Torre's book A Lily Among the Thorns:
Imagining a New Christian Sexuality:
For
some, having sex always with the same partner can become somewhat
routine, predictable, if not repetitive. After the newness of
physical passion starts to dwindle with the passage of time, we need
not simply accept that sex goes from being red-hot to ho-hum. Great
sex does not have to be perpetually linked to newer, younger, and
hotter bodies, nor must the constant pursuit of new forms of
pleasurable stimuli jade the enduring joy of sex. What makes sex
great is not the act of obtaining physical gratification with and
through another body, but the intimacy that comes with vulnerability.
It is the intimacy created by two becoming one that enhances and
heightens sexual pleasure, not the actual act of penetration. Through
the process of revealing our inner self to our beloved, not only do
we create intimacy, but we gain the power to heal our dysfunction by
calming our deepest fears and satisfying our most intense yearnings.
Even in the absence of penetration, whether due to illness, old age,
or forced separation (such as war or imprisonment), sex can still
remain great so long as it enhances intimacy.
I
wonder, too, how often we go through the motions with God. Are our
prayers cursory or rote? Is the time we spend with our spiritual
communities more social than Spirit-filled? Do we make time for
spiritual practice and if we do, are we really paying attention? Do
we share our true selves with God? How do we establish more
authenticity in our relationship with God? Are we willing to put the
time and energy into our relationship with God that we do in our
marriage?
Covenant
Marriage
There's
a lot of talk in mainstream evangelical Christianity about “Covenant
Marriage” which is defined as a legally binding marriage
commitment. Louisiana was the first state to approve Covenant
Marriage as a state-sanctioned legal option.
This definition is from the Louisiana
Department of Health and Human Services
website:
The
couple who chooses to enter into a covenant marriage agrees to be
bound by two significant provisions on obtaining a divorce or
separation. These stipulations do not apply to other couples married
in Louisiana:
The
couple legally agrees to seek marital counseling if problems develop
during the marriage; and
The
couple can seek a divorce or legal separation for limited reasons
only, as explained herein.
In
order to enter into a covenant marriage, the couple must sign
a Declaration
of Intent that
provides:
A
marriage agreement to live together as husband and wife forever;
The
parties have chosen each other carefully and disclosed to each other
"everything which could adversely affect" the decision to
marry;
The
parties have received premarital counseling;
A
commitment that if the parties experience marital difficulties they
agree to make all reasonable efforts to preserve their marriage,
including marital counseling; and
The
couple also must obtain premarital counseling from a priest,
minister, rabbi or similar clergyman of any religious sect, or from
a professional marriage counselor.
There
are obviously many problems with creating a new legal category for
marriage but I will only address one here: That of making something
that should be divinely inspired between two people externally
proscribed through social pressure.
Quaker
theologian and recorded minister Lloyd Lee Wilson defines a covenant
relationship this way: “A relationship initiated by God, to which
we as human beings respond in faith.” In his book Essays on the
Quaker Vision of Gospel Order, he writes about covenant
communities but his ideas also apply to relationships between
individuals.
Friends
understanding of the monthly meeting as covenant community is that in
the Gospel Order, God is calling individuals to live in covenant with
Him and through that covenant in community with one another. The
covenant itself is stated by the writer of Hebrews as “in their
minds I will plant my Laws, writing them on their hearts, and I shall
never more call their sins to mind, or their offenses.” Most
importantly, Christ is the mediator of the new covenant, as he is the
only true mediator between God and human beings. Because of the
covenant relationship we have with God through Christ we are enabled
and equipped to live together as human beings in a way that witnesses
to his relationship with us and serves as an outpost of the Kingdom
of God on earth.
In
other communities of which we are a part, we choose to be in a
relationship with the members of the community . . . In the covenant
community [marriage], we choose to be in relationship with God, and
God gives us to one another and to the community. Our primary bond is
to God, which makes the community [marriage] itself resilient and
capable of great healing. The crisis and interpersonal failures which
could destroy a human community [marriage] become, in the covenant
community [marriage], opportunities for the love of God to heal and
reconcile us to one another, and for the community [marriage] to
witness about God's healing and presence to the world.
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| photo by Audry Deal-McEver |
In
a true covenant marriage, the first relationship is with God who then
provides or strengthens our relationship with our beloved spouse so
that our marriage is a reflection of our love for God and God's love
for us. In the legally defined idea of covenant marriage, the first
relationship is with a community which dictates the beliefs and goals
a couple should aspire to in relation to God. This is a thwarting of
how God calls us to union.
God
seeks us and invites us into relationship (knocks at the doors of our
hearts, if you will). We slowly learn to hear and respond. As the
relationship develops, we become more responsible for maintaining it.
We must make time to spend in prayer, communion, listening and
waiting. We grow in faith and learn to submit ourselves, seeking
God's will for us. This submission is vulnerability; we are learning
to open ourselves to Christ. When we are living in harmony with God's
will, the facets of our lives fall into place so that we want to live
for God and the things we had previously allowed to come between us
and God become less important.
When
marriage partners have prepared themselves, when they live in God's
will as individuals and as a couple, God blesses them with a
deepening of their relationship. What better gift than to share a
love encouraged by God?
Jewish
tradition considers marriage to be the foundational spiritual
relationship upon which all of society
is built. From
the page Marriage
on the website Jewish
Life Cycle:
The
degree of holiness that Judaism ascribes to marriage is attested by
the tradition that God can be present in the marriage partnership.
"When husband and wife are worthy, the Divine Presence abides
with them." The idea that the bond of marriage is sacred and
eternal, a reflection of the berit [covenant] between God and the
people Israel, goes back to the Bible, particularly to the prophecies
of Jeremiah, Ezekiel, and Hosea. . . . Consequently of all the joyous
occasions of Judaism, the heartiest Mazal Tov is reserved for the
wedding.
To
the Jewish imagination, the wedding is a prototypical act of
creation. The Zohar, the great book of Jewish mysticism, states, "God
creates new worlds constantly. In what way? By causing marriages to
take place." The wedding is the premiere life-cycle event.
Although the core of the ritual is simplicity itself, the customs,
symbols and rituals associated with Jewish weddings spill over into
more than a year's worth of celebration and joy. . . . Reb Nachman of
Bratslav, a 17th century Hasidic master, is credited with a wonderful
story on this subject:
A
group of people who have been to a wedding are walking home when one
says, "That was a beautiful wedding. The food was out of this
world." One of her companions says, "It was a great
wedding. The band was terrific." A third friend chimes in, "I
never had more fun at a wedding. I got to talk to people I hadn't
seen in years." But Reb Nachman, who overhears this
conversation, says, "Those people weren't really at a wedding."
Then a fourth person joins the group and says, "Isn't it
wonderful that those two people found each other!" At that Reb
Nachman says, "Now that person was at a wedding!"
Marriage
is symbolically sacred, bringing two people together and making them
one. When both partners also have an abiding relationship with God,
their marriage becomes something even greater than the union of two
individuals: With God, a marriage can become a shelter and a blessing
for all those whose lives are touched by the couple.
*
* *
Clover
Mark
and I began dating short months after we each experienced cataclysmic
changes in our lives. We both lost 20 year marriages: Him through the
death of his first wife and me through divorce. Being with him felt
holy, erotic, and comfortable in equal measures. From the first
moment we talked together as unmarried people, it was as if God had
brought us together. We prayed often, trying to remain open to any
hints from God that the delight we found in the other was getting in
the way of God’s will for us. One day I walked an outdoor labyrinth
in deep prayer, asking God to guide us so we did not put our growing
love for one another and the pleasure we found together ahead of our
faithfulness. As I looked down, I noticed a clover and was given the
insight that our union is not between the two of us but is, like the
clover, in three equal parts: Mark, me, and the Holy Spirit.
*
* *
Union
The
couple, too, are blessed by the openness and sanctity of living
together for God. Intimacy, especially sexual intimacy, is a gift
given to us by our Maker. God wants us to be drawn together, to take
pleasure in loving one another. On the Kosher
Sex
website, the article
The Idea of Holiness
says
this:
Jewish
tradition contains the powerful statement, "In the world to
come, a man will have to account for every legitimate pleasure which
he has denied himself." Sex is viewed as a vital part of God's
creation; it is good, and meant to be enjoyed. However, while modern
secular culture emphasizes a hedonistic approach to sex, pleasure in
Judaism is intimately tied to the commandment "mitzva"--to
a higher purpose. The Torah views certain sexual encounters as
detracting from holiness and others as enhancing sexual relations.
Only humans can elevate the sexual act above the biological level,
thereby bringing to it a spiritual quality.
From
the article Marital
Intimacy by
Rabbi
Avraham Peretz Friedman on the
website Nishmat:
Women's Health & Halachel:
The
Torah does not
subscribe
to the notion of an irreconcilable struggle between the physical and
the spiritual, and is, in fact, unequivocal in its rejection of this
philosophy. On the contrary, the Torah maintains that, if used
properly, the physical becomes an indispensable aid in achieving
spiritual greatness. This is accomplished in two ways: First,
physical activity is much more effective at impressing an idea into
the soul than intellectual contemplation alone could be. Almost every
mitzvah [commandment] involves using some element of the physical
world to serve God. Our job is to take the gifts of this world and
elevate them to the heights of holiness. The Shabbat, for example, is
sanctified over a cup of wine - words alone will not suffice.
Second,
the Torah views the enjoyment of physical pleasure as desirable,
since each pleasure provides an opportunity to feel and express
gratitude to the One who created and provided this enjoyment.
The
Torah's view of pleasure differs dramatically from that prevalent in
Western society. Western society prizes pleasure and directs much of
its energy, imagination, and resources to its pursuit. Obligations
and responsibilities are viewed as the price one must sometimes pay
for pleasure.
The
Torah also values pleasure – but with a significant difference.
Duties and responsibilities are not the inevitable "cost"
of pleasure. Rather, pleasure is a welcome by-product that
accompanies the proper fulfillment of many of our God-given
obligations. In such instances, pleasure introduces a duty (in fact,
an opportunity) to feel and express gratitude to the Giver of all
pleasures. But pleasure is not primary – our responsibilities to
God are.
The
Torah's view of sexuality is a perfect illustration of the general
Torah attitude toward the physical world and its pleasures. Physical
relations between a husband and wife are meant to be pleasurable.
Having marital relations is a fulfillment of two separate mitzvot
–pru
ur'vu
(procreation)
and onah
(marital
intimacy itself).
Pru
ur'vu
and
Onah
are
the paradigm mitzvot because they reflect the uniquely Jewish
approach to sanctifying the physical world through mitzvah
observance. These mitzvot are the most dramatic examples of the
phenomenon of elevating the physical world to the heights of the
spiritual in that the element of the physical world which these
mitzvot allow is the one most susceptible to abuse and lack of
sanctity.
The
term for this most intimate relationship between a couple is "devek"
(lit., union, attachment). The Torah commands: "Therefore, a man
shall leave his father and mother and cling ("davak")
to his wife" (Bereshit 2:24). Rashi [Rabbi Shlomo Yitzhaki]
states that pleasure produces devek
(Sanhedrin
58a,b). In the Torah view, the pleasure of marital intimacy serves
the positive function of maximizing the attachment between husband
and wife.
The
Ramban's [Rabbi
Moshe ben Nahman] commentary
on davak (Bereshit 2:24) emphasizes that marriage will cause an
emotional, not just physical, union between husband and wife. The
desire to enhance emotional closeness accounts for the halacha's
[body of Jewish religious law] disapproval of certain behaviors such
as thinking about another when having relations with one's spouse,
having relations when one is drunk, or having relations without
mutual consent. In these situations, physical pleasure has been
divested of the emotional component which would produce devek. That
is exactly what the Torah does not want.
On
the other hand, sexual sanctity, transforming the experience from a
physical act of sexual self-gratification to a spiritual act of
selfless concern and consideration, is best obtained through
maximizing the pleasure of one's spouse during intimacy.
Gershon
Winkler in Sacred
Secrets: The
Sanctity of Sex in Jewish Law and Lore says
this:
Judaism
considers sexual desire and intercourse as very essential to the
process of spiritual unfolding and evolving.
Both
ancient and medieval kabbalistic teachings reflect this paradoxical
relationship between sex and spirituality, that the very selfsame
urge that distracts you from matters of the spirit is the very
selfsame urge that you need to pay attention to in order to engage
matters
of the spirit. Basically, it boils down to this: Whether sex brings
you closer to your spirituality or diverts your attention from your
spirituality depends on what kind of consciousness and intention you
choose to invoke in the course of lusting and lovemaking. The great
masters were not removed from their sexuality because of their
saintliness. On the contrary, the more spiritually evolved you are,
the rabbis taught, the more sexually evolved you are.
Intention
Mark
and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary and the second
anniversary of our first date last weekend. We joke that we started
on our honeymoon two years ago and we don't see any signs that it
will end anytime soon. As joyfully in love as we still feel, we
sometimes struggle with communication, not so much between us as
within our individual selves. There are times when figuring out
what's going on inside takes some exploration to uncover. Finding the
words to share insights can be equally challenging and often requires
a great deal of vulnerability and trust. Each time we work through a
personal insight that has impact on our relationship, we are drawn
closer together.
The
pleasures and opportunities for inner growth that happen between us,
however, often eclipse our intention to live our lives centered in
Christ. Rather than turning to God in prayer, we talk with one
another.
The
passage from the Rabbi Avraham
Peretz Friedman article
on Marital Intimacy quoted above speaks to my condition: “...pleasure
is a welcome by-product that accompanies the proper fulfillment of
many of our God-given obligations. In such instances, pleasure
introduces a duty (in fact, an opportunity) to feel and express
gratitude to the Giver of all pleasures. But pleasure is not primary
– our responsibilities to God are.” When Mark and I were first
together, this was exactly how it felt to me; we had both been
faithful to God and we were given this amazing gift as a blessing for
our faithfulness. The gift, however, rather than increasing awareness
of our responsibility to God, has drawn us away. 1 Corinthians 7
verses 32-35 (NRSV) says:
I
want you to be free from anxieties [carefulness/
complications/concerns in various translations]. The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please
the Lord; but the married man is anxious about the affairs of the
world, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the
unmarried woman and the virgin are anxious about the affairs of the
Lord, so that they may be holy in body and spirit; but the married
woman is anxious about the affairs of the world, how to please her
husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to put any restraint
upon you, but to promote good order and unhindered devotion to the
Lord.
Given
that Paul said this, I get the feeling that God is understanding of
this distraction. Nevertheless, our first duty is to our Creator. As
Winkler said in the above quote, “ Whether
sex brings
you closer to your spirituality or diverts your attention from your
spirituality depends on what kind of consciousness and intention you
choose to invoke . . . “.
Is
there a conflict between giving my whole heart to God and giving my
whole heart to my human partner? Jesus says that the two great
commandments are to love God with all your heart and all your soul
and to love your neighbor as yourself. This certainly implies that
these two commandments are not in competition. In loving my partner I
give bodily expression to my love for the infinite Spirit. My
faithfulness to God will continually guide m[e] in new ways to love
my partner without limits. I suspect if I experience a conflict
between love of God and love of my partner, then I have not gone deep
enough in discovering how to love in either or both of these core
relationships in my life.
This leads me back to where I started with this prayer:
Lord
if I ever needed someone, I need You
Lord
if I ever needed someone I need You
Someone
to hold onto
And
keep me from all fear
Someone
to be my guiding light
And
keep me ever dear
To
keep me from my selfishness
To
keep me from my sorrow
To
lead me on to givingness
So
I can see a new tomorrow
I
pray, Mark and I pray, that God will use us as a guiding light for
one another. We pray to be kept dear and to be kept from our
selfishness. With God's help we will be led to givingness so we can,
with our covenant community, create in this world a new tomorrow.
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| photo by Mary Linda McKinney |
