SELF-EXAMEN
Describe
[or remember] a touchstone experience with the More, the Holy, God,
the promptings of Love and Truth, which relates to the hunger in you
that has led you to participate in this program.
Mark &
I, as members of Nashville Friends Meeting Ministry & Counsel,
have been leading a regular Worship Sharing with the intent to create
and develop spiritual intimacy among members and attenders. We are
inviting newcomers and oldster to come together to share our
experiences of God so we can know and encourage one another in our
daily spiritual lives. Our query this past Sunday was “What is your
experience of the Divine?”. I was given the image of a mother
sitting on a park bench, patiently and lovingly watching over her
young child on the playground. The child is playing happily, running,
climbing, using her imagination. Every once in a while the child
feels the need to be reassured of the mother's presence so she runs
over for a quick hug but then returns to her spirited play. I am that
child and God is my loving, attentive mother.
I
could describe specific moments, luminous times of an immediate
awareness of God. I find, however, that they lose impact upon the
retelling. What I will say is that I feel the Holy Spirit with me,
always. Oblivious as I am, whenever I pause and become aware, I feel
the Holy Presence. Someone who doesn't share this blessed awareness
may ask the legitimate questions: “But how? What does that mean?”
For me, God is a knowing in my deepest self. I feel the Loving
Presence in my entire being. God said, “I am”. I reply, “I
know”.
I feel
God's guidance in the same way. When I am being called or guided to
something, I am given a knowing in my being. When I feel a curiosity
or a push without the secure knowing, I pray and explore, ask, listen
and wait. When I am being directed by the Inward Light, I simply
know. Sometimes the direction is to act and sometimes it is to wait.
I am
not, by any stretch, always faithful or obedient. And even when I am
faithful, the purpose is sometimes not clear to me. I have always,
though, found God to be faithful to me.
Describe
your intent, commitment, desire, dream related to your spiritual life
as you participate in this program?
I
think I had a clue what I wanted out of this program when I began but
I have totally lost it. I guess at this point I hope to learn the
reason I'm here. I feel disconnected and unattached, mostly because I
often don't know how to follow. Hmm, yes. That's been a theme in my
recent life: Submission. Am I to learn to submit? I thought that was
the case when I applied. I thought I was to learn to actually follow
the guidelines for readings and such. What I've found, though, is
that God is encouraging me to dig deep in my studies for my research
paper to the exclusion of the assigned readings. This feels right to
me so I'm not sure what to make of it when it comes to the idea of
submission. By following my own path, I feel disconnected from the
purpose of this program but I also feel I am where I'm supposed to be
and doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Go figure. Is submission the
same as obedience? Seems like it but perhaps there are subtle
differences that would be worth exploring.
What
spiritual practices, spiritual disciplines, ways of being, time of
retirement, quiet time help you live into the intent described above?
How have they been part of your daily life? What has helped you
choose this kind of contemplative rhythm?
In
“Sense of Wonder”, Van Morrison sings, “Didn't I come to bring
you a sense of wonder? ” That's been my mantra of late. Wonder.
Wonder is grace. Wonder can't help but foster gratitude. Wonder is
the antidote to cynicism. Wonder is prayer without words. In the
words of Louis Armstrong, “And I say to myself, What a wonder-full
world.”
Reflect
on how the assigned readings, or additional readings, have worked in
you.
I was
steeped in the Mystics before the last retreat. This time I'm deep in
Jewish writings about sexuality. The Christian perspective about
sexuality is either totally metaphorical or it's anti-sex or at least
rigidly proscriptive about the purpose of sex (:procreation only.
Minimize pleasure whenever possible. Song of Songs was an anomaly we
don't talk about). (I did find one really good exception by a
Liberation Theologian-hurrah!) Jewish writing, though, totally rocks
(and rolls--har-har)! I'm finding a millennia's worth of writing
about the sacredness of our sexuality given by God as another aspect
by which we know God (no coincidence there, the use of the word
“know”). I am finding so much as I learn about Torah and the
various interpretations of Old Testament texts.
As for
the assigned readings...uh, I got nothing.
What
is happening for you through your Care Committee?
I feel
love and nurturing from them. One member is particularly astute and
has been able to lovingly but firmly call me out when I seem to be
straying from my declared intentions.
How
are you in relation to your meeting?
I've
been fully engaged in almost all aspects of the life of my meeting.
I've had the opportunity to clerk two support committees, one which
has provided very tangible support for an elderly member of our
community who has suffered from a serious health crisis. I am active
in Ministry & Counsel and deeply appreciate being able to serve
my beloved community in this way. I've begun caring for the new
infant of dear Friends and so feel even further the day-to-day
connection of my spiritual community, which is absolutely wonderful.
I
continue to be active with our young Friends through FAPping at
Southern Appalachian Young Friends retreats and delight in the
relationships with all the people I know through SAYF-adults and
teens alike (Toby was at the last retreat, which was awesome!). I am
so appreciative of the opportunity to grow through relationships with
young Friends. I am grateful to be called in this way.
Reflect
on recent times or ways you have experienced God’s presence and
action in your life, promptings of Love and Truth, yourself being
stretched and taught, luminous moments, times of joy or awe, feelings
of oneness, synchronicities.
Caring
for two members of my beloved community, one who is new to this world
and the other who is in a very vulnerable place of fragility and
weakness has given me the opportunity to love selflessly. Come to
think of it, much of the work I've been given to do lately has felt
like a sacred gift of humble service. I feel immediately and
intimately what it means to be the Body of Christ.
One of
my sons is having a tumultuous adolescence. Turning my fears,
worries, and heartache to God is sometimes all I am able to do. We
are held and supported by our spiritual community who know and love
him.
The
topic for my research paper is how marriage is a sacrament that
reflects and informs our relationship with God as it is impacted and
informed by it. My marriage with Mark feels like a miracle to me. I
feel tremendous joy on a daily basis and awe that God felt me worthy
of this amazing gift. I am also aware of the weight of our
responsibility to make the blessing of our marriage a foundational
element of our community: to take the love and security we have
created together and share it with others.
