Food for Thought

I met a dear friend for dinner at a fancy restaurant last night. She thinks I'm funny so I was very funny. We talked about serious things and light things and gossipy things for several hours. It was good to be with her to relax, catch up and let our hair down.

This friend spent many years enmeshed in a very dysfunctional situation. She was able to extricate herself from it fairly recently and seems to be revelling in her new-found liberty. She told me stories about her recent adventures and experiences, none of which I related to but which were often very amusing.

I told her about my life; how I'm very happy and excited about where I am and what's happening spiritually and how I feel like something about myself in relation to my family needs to change but that I don't know what and I don't know how (other than to pray about it). She was kind and supportive.

When I awoke this morning my first impulse was to judge myself kind of negatively for straying so far from my intention to remain centered on God yesterday (see the immediately preceding post) but the more I thought about it, the more I see that it's ok to be me. This friend does not have an awareness of spiritual center. I think, if pushed, she would identify as atheist. We've been friends for a long time through lots and lots of changes. We have a relationship based on shared interests, history, mutual love, respect and admiration. She listened openly as I talked about my growing awareness of God's will for me and how exciting it is for me to learn to be faithful. She told me about how perplexing her new life can be in the midst of the pleasure of her new-found freedom. We told each other things in trust and with love, expecting support and listened without judgment. The last thing in the world I want to be is like born-again christians who get all self-righteous, eschewing sinful others.

Even though I wasn't consciously aware of Spirit, I know that I acted in accord with my understanding of God's will for me.

As I Am Able

Most every morning I stay in bed and pray. Usually, I state my intention to be open to God's will for me, silently saying something like:

"My body,
my spirit,
my mind to God.

As I am able,
all that I am,
I give
to God."
(I sometimes make this a physical prayer by standing and using gestures and movement)

Usually, I pray for God to guide me and use me and I ask God to help me remain centered on what is of God.

And then I leave my room and immediately forget. I'm like one of the unfortunate people with the capacity to remember things for only a couple of minutes. "God, help me to remain focused on you...Hey! What's for breakfast?"

Until I learn to be faithful in the day-to-day, here and now, I can't imagine growing in the Light. I think humility is what it all comes down to, for me. Humility is, like, exactly the opposite my personality and who I am. I'm loud and boisterous and ME! ME! ME! When I do something good I usually want to crow about it, which, of course, is completely counter to humility.

Tilden Edwards, in his book, Living in the Presence, gives a nice description of the Ego of ME! ME! ME! versus the ego of self to be used by God. In the exercise on Daily Examen he writes, "...If you remember a strong, protective holding on to ego self-image, you might pray 'Lord (or God) have mercy,' very simply desiring the attachment to that image to lighten. If on the contrary you notice that ego self-image was only lightly present, functioning as a vehicle of understanding and activity without a character of ultimacy, you can simply smile to God with thanksgiving. Thus you are noticing both the hidden presence of God in the day and your own way of participating in, missing, or resisting that presence."

I understand that if God to were to call me, really call me to my life's purpose, I'd charge full-steam ahead. I'd leap in and through and MAKE IT HAPPEN (whatever IT were). I'd follow the letter of God's plan without paying a lot of attention to the spirit of it. I'd have God in mind for the outcome but wouldn't be so aware of God in the details. Hmmm...Who was it who said, "God is in the details"?

So, today I pray for humility. I pray for awareness of God using the me-ness of me as a vehicle of understanding and activity. I ask God to help me remain aware of God in each moment as clearly as I am right now. I can't seem to do this on my own so I pray for God to help me.

Classism Class

I was a weekend FAP(Friendly Adult Presence) at the Southern Appalachian Young Friends (SAYF) retreat this weekend here in Nashville. A nice time was had by all, if not a lot of sleep. SAYFers came from Beria, Chapel Hill, Atlanta, and Knoxville. The Chapel Hill folks drove 11 hours to get here and the Atlanta folks got stuck in traffic and sat on the interstate for over two hours on their way, so people arrived quite late. It took a long time before the young people were sufficiently calm enough to be quiet and I wasn't able to fall asleep until 3:30 or so (to the sounds of someone playing the piano and a couple of people drumming along on the floor).

Dick had all the "night shepherds" lined up but one had to cancel due to a death in her family. Hammy would have taken her place but Zed and Carmac got sick. Dick would have done it but I insisted that I would (Dick's just getting over the flu. He's a stubborn man). Kit was the other night shepherd for that time slot (12-3:30). The kids didn't settle down until after 1:00 so we didn't have too much checking to do and, as this is a really fantastic group of young people, no problems.

Kit and I were able to sit and talk about our spiritual formation groups and other things. We talked a lot about classism and lack of diversity in our meeting. I told her that I feel really called to bring more Light to this in NFM. She agrees and is open to exploring. We were talking about when we could do it and both bemoaned the fact that we only have adult ed twice a month and it's usually very hodge-podge in it subject matter and often scheduled months in advance. Currently, meeting for worship is 10:30-11:30 with adult ed or other activity after. I suggested that we could have an on-going discussion group/class/worship sharing on the subject of classism/racism/diversity for an hour before meeting for worship. She suggested that maybe this would be good to try during the summer months. I think there are at least one or two others in GIL who will be interested in pursuing this topic in greater depth. We have our GIL large group meeting this evening so I shall introduce the idea and see how it flies.

Here are some ideas I have for this class:
-a worship-sharing about our earliest memories of class or economic differences.
-in class, each person writes a 1-2 page biography about his or her class/socio-economic history. The next week, we hand the biographies out at random and read them aloud and share reactions, observations and comments.
-Talk about our individual experiences of feeling like an outsider in NFM: When, why and how? When do we feel included? What were first impressions? What was/is welcoming?
-Book discussion "White Like Me" by Tim Wise.
-"What are you hiding" worship sharing about things we are/think/do that we feel would not "sit well" with NFM and thus, keep hidden.
-"What Privileges" exercise from Jeanne's blog.

I led an adult ed about this topic a month or so ago. It went OK. I didn't feel too great about it because I don't think I was focused enough to make it a good discussion. I had so many ideas I wanted to hit and activities I wanted to lead that I was really scattered. We wound up talking mostly about how welcoming our meeting is to newcomers and how we might be perceived to others who know nothing about us. This topic is too big for just one hour one time. I feel this should be an on-going discussion to help us become and remain aware of who we are and who we want to be as a community.

Speaking and Listening for God's Will

The latest Pendle Hill pamphlet I've received in the mail is by Mariellen Gilpin called "God's Healing Grace: Reflections on a Journey with Mental and Spiritual Illness". In it, the author shares her experiences with mental illness and how she learned to deal with it through the Grace of God, the support and help of her spiritual community and a very committed, ongoing committee of care. This pamphlet is challenging to me in my understanding of various aspects of mental illness. The author describes having demons live in her. I was raised in a Christian fundamentalist household in which it was accepted that there have been/could be demons. They were always "of Satan" and against God. When I began reading this pamphlet, my knee-jerk reaction was to distance myself from accepting at her word the author's experiences and her descriptions. Using the word demon sounded to me against modern understandings. As I read, I tried to keep an open mind and found myself accepting that the author was using a word to describe the voices and hallucinations that, perhaps, I wouldn't choose but that needed naming and were appropriate from the author's perspective and experience. Things must have a name in order to be described and she chose the name that worked for her.

The thing that spoke loudest to me was the author's on-going committee of care. She met every few weeks with two members of her Meeting's ministry and oversight committee and a Celtic shaman who was not Quaker but who "valued silence and deeply listened for God's guidance". The committee also prayed for her every night.

I have a dear friend, J, who suffers from bi-polar disorder. She functions well most of the time with the help of mood stabilizing drugs and supportive friends and family. Currently, though, she is experiencing some issues with a control-based eating disorder (anorexia). I talked to a f/Friend who heads the Tennessee chapter of NAMI to get a recommendation for a therapist. Then I called J. I gave her the information and listened to what she could tell me about where she is. We talked about what she needs and what is happening with her. After a time, I told her about what I learned from this pamphlet. This friend is not Quaker; she identifies as Wiccan with Pagan leanings (but she does agree with and respects much of what she understands about Quakerism). I explained to her what I understand about the author's committee of care and how it might work. I told her that I think it would be absolutely imperative that it be spiritually based and that all the members would have to share a unifying belief or understanding of the Divine in order for the group to transcend individual egos and listen with open hearts and minds. I spoke slowly, searching for the right words and as I talked I felt overcome by the quaking of God speaking through me. I also told her about my experience of holding her in the Light during meeting last week and having the recurring image of me physically holding her up in God's light. I let her know that I love her and am available to her in whatever way she needs and that I will continue to hold her in my prayers.

I've never felt Spirit come through me outside of meeting for worship like that before. I am grateful for the lesson. I am always sharing ideas and resources with people, giving them information that will link them with others or materials or organizations that will support what they need. Usually, I do this to help them because I care about them but it's still done from my ego. When I spoke with J, I spoke carefully, choosing my words with love and even hesitation. I think the space between the words and the love in that space allowed Spirit to enter me. What a profound gift. Slow down and listen.

Tomorrow evening, Caroline and I will be leading our large Growing In the Light group meeting. The topic is obedience, which I chose almost a year ago when we were planning the monthly meetings. We're going to use a couple of the spiritual exercises from Tilden Edwards' book, "Living in the Presence", one a daily examen and the other called Discerning Action. This is what the opening paragraph about discerning action, "Discernment of what is seemingly consonant with God's will in regard to a particular significant action being contemplated normally is a process, not a single step..."

I am lead to understand that learning to slow down and allow silence when I speak is learning to be obedient to God's will for me. I think that's why I blog. When I write, I think about what I am trying to express and am usually slow and deliberate, allowing more room for contemplation and Spirit-led inspiration than I ever experience when speaking. My conversation with J has given me the insight into my potential for speaking, as well.

Giving and Advocating

Proverbs 31:6-9

"Give beer to those who are perishing,
wine to those who are in anguish;
let them drink and forget their poverty
and remember their misery no more.

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute.
Speak up and judge fairly;
defend the rights of the poor and needy."

Yowee...
For a long time I've tried to follow Jesus' command in Luke 6:30-"Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back." I walk all over downtown frequently. Homeless people or panhandlers often approach asking for money. I used to always give money but then I read a blogpost by the Homeless Guy, Kevin Barbeaux, about how disruptive it is for the other folks when people to show up at a shelter drunk or otherwise impaired. He suggested that people not give money to panhandlers so they can't buy alcohol which causes problems for others. Usually, when I'm out with my kids, I've got a bunch of snacks with me and often, I've got surplus bus change cards, so sometimes I give those to people who ask me for something. I used to carry fast food gift certificates but I keep forgetting to buy more, so I haven't done that in a while.

But sometimes I don't have any of those things on me and all I have to give are cash. Usually, when I have the time, I'll stop and talk with the person asking and try to make a connection. I'll give them whatever I feel I can justify-sometimes just a little change because I'm broke and need my money for the next bus home and sometimes it'll be a few dollars, lunch money or the cost of a cup of chai (figuring that if I can indulge myself I should also share with someone else). I prefer to not have someone tell me some story about needing bus fare to get his family to Madison or about how his wallet was stolen or this or that but I know that many people do need a story about where their money is going before they'll give; I assume that probably half the time I give money it'll go to alcohol. And after reading Kevin's post about how disruptive alcohol is in homeless shelters, I began feeling bad about giving cash.

But then I read the article "Living with Beggars" by Anna Redsand in the July 2006 issue of Friends Journal in which she quotes the above verses in Proverbs. I don't know how it is that I never noticed those verses before. (oh, I do know how. Proverbs 31:6-9 immediately precedes the passages about "the wife of noble character" which was shoved down my throat by my mother, various sunday school teachers and a bunch of youth ministers throughout my adolescence. I'm pretty sure that, for many years, if I heard the word "proverbs" my eyes glazed over and my mind took me to my "happy place" a world away from "she is worth far more than rubies".) So, wow. The Bible is telling me to give booze to people who are in distress and impoverished so they can forget their poverty and misery. But then it follows with the command to "speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute...defend the rights of the poor and needy." What that is saying to me is that I should do what I can to alleviate suffering-whatever it takes-but I must take responsibility for that suffering when I do so. I have to take it on myself to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves because they are in anguish. It's not enough to give money to a panhandler or to buy his lunch for him; I must also advocate for him in the larger world. Neither is it enough to do advocacy work while ignoring the day-to-day suffering of individuals. Both must be done together, which makes sense.

I'm going to have to sit with this for a while to see how it fits me and where I am and where I need to be. I'm not sure how to find the balance called for here in the my life, at this time. To me, doing advocacy is committing to something. I don't have time to join anything else or serve on any other things, but maybe there's something I else I can be doing to advocate? I will try to open my heart and mind to possibilities and pray for guidance.