The Devil in the Details

For years I've thought I had a fear of failure...
or maybe a fear of success; I'm not sure I know the difference. I think in both instances, what the person is really afraid of is being found out to be a fraud. And yeah, I do have a pretty good amount of that. I mean, I work in a department full of people with multiple advanced degrees. Even some of the janitorial staff were scientist and doctors in their home countries. I do feel like, in some ways, I'm an impostor with my high school diploma, terrible inability to spell accurately, and ridiculously poor math skills. But, I'm really good at my job and I think I'm absolutely up to all the work I'm performing. I know that I am doing well and have contributed very positively to our department (how's that for "work speak"?!).

Up to now, I've really enjoyed my job. I've spent the last two months designing and creating a training program for the new people our department has and will be hiring. Monday, I did the final four hour group instruction. This final class was my baby. The rest of the group instruction was at least somewhat informed by departmental and project protocol requirements. Monday's class, though, was based entirely on research I did into phone interviewing. I studied many research papers and studies that have been done on research study techniques and what works most effectively. I wrote the text, designed the Power Point presentation, wrote example dialog, developed practice scenarios and made a Power Point Jeopardy! game. With the exception of making the mistake of handing out paperwork at the beginning of class that needed to be turned in at the end of class and not having the full attention of the trainees the first few minutes, it went really well. The class was engaged and involved. Lots of good questions were asked. I'm proud of myself. (I won't ever know how much impact that particular module has on the interviewers, though, because we don't have a control group of interviewers who didn't do the training. I'd really be interested, in future, to be able to divide a group of new hires into one set who do this training and the other who doesn't and look at their call outcome rates.)

Anyway, up to now, I've really enjoyed my job. But the supervisors begin working live cases next week and the new hires begin the following week and I've found my mind wandering to "hmmm, I could see myself working (fill in the blank)." Next week, I will be spending at least half my work time making one phone call after another for hours on end. Yes, I will be doing scheduling and other supervisory duties but I will no longer be doing innovative work. And, for this project, we will be following a 90,000 person cohort attempting to get them to participate in a 15 minute survey over the phone: There will be no relationship built, no following individuals and getting to know them--just one phone call after another.

What I've just learned about myself is not that I have a fear of success or failure but that I have an intense fear of boredom. I really do not do well with routine. Somewhere between 10% and 25% of my time spent on administrative duties is about perfect; I am forced to be organized without being boxed in. I LOVED my last two jobs. About a decade ago, I worked for a year and a half as a volunteer coordinator for a non-profit. I did public speaking and recruiting, organizingand supervising volunteer staff. I also wrote for the newsletter and helped organize fundraisers. I got to help with the children's program and got to know the adults in our programs. I did a lot of admin stuff but that was tempered by the wide variety of other duties. And the last seven years I worked as a field interviewer were equally enjoyable because of the diversity of my tasks.

On the one hand, I'm really proud to be in the position I'm in. I desire to do well and grow in the department. I am feeling some amount of ambition. I want to be a success.
On the other hand, I'm starting to panic at the thought of the (to me) mind-numbing routine. This is where the fear of failure comes into play: I am not good about attention to day-to-day detail. When I am bored, I find it impossible to make myself pay attention to detail and I make mistakes. And, of course, the more mistakes I make, the more likely it is that I will be found lacking by my superiors (being found out to be a fraud).

I'm really not sure what to do about this. I've committed to this job. My boss is really relying on me. I know my place and I am intrinsically important. I mean, I know that I'm not indispensable, but I also know that it would be a major pain to have to replace me.

I'm not one to jump on the "better living through pharmaceuticals" bandwagon but I wonder if ADHD meds might help me focus better on the things my brain doesn't see or do well, like details. But then I really think about it and know it would be crazy to medicate in order to fit a particular job.

What I've come to know about myself from this job and looking back over the past decade is that I love doing presentations and trainings. I love speaking to individuals and groups of people. I enjoy motivating people. I'm good at networking and making connections between people and between people and resources. I love organizing people and creating community. I need a small amount of structure but I need to be able to schedule it in my own way. I need to think creatively and innovate and find ways to improve the old or develop the new. I like to teach, but not the same thing over and over.

What kind of work can someone without any college do with those skills and needs? That would be reliable and provide a livable wage, that is.

I'm praying for guidance. And maybe the way opening is for me to stay put and learn the lessons I can learn where I am. I will continue to do the best I am able where I am. I will try to focus and follow-through on the routine stuff to the best of my ability. I will try to find "that of God" in myself and ignore the devil in the details (ha!). I am also very open to suggestions.

Three Weeks In

Three weeks into my new job (lifestyle). The first week I was all aflounder, having no idea what I was doing or how to do anything. The second week I attained an idea of what my position called for: I began developing a training manual and course for new hires to our call center. I compiled all the VU, VUMC, VEC (VU Epidemiology Center), and department policies and job descriptions into modules and then began writing out specific plans for training people in interviewing techniques. I've made several Power Point presentations and edited and "tidied up" a few others that were in training files. I've begun working in partnership with one of my co-workers to develop a certification process to assure that new phone interviewers are properly trained and ready to contact respondents.

This is quite an exciting place to be. Basically, my new boss has said that our department is on the cusp of growing exponentially and for me to develop a training program for all the people we'll be hiring. I feel kind of daunted by this because I've never done any training or management in this field before but I've done a lot of research and have been on the receiving end of training many times and feel I have a clear enough idea of the "big picture" that I am making a good program.

Everyone in my department is very well educated. No one, outside my boss and her boss, knows that I have no formal schooling beyond high school. This is an Ivy League school; of course education is everything. I'm a little concerned about how people would respond to me if they learned that I am only self-educated. Yesterday, in researching interviewer training, I learned that the man who started NORC (my former employer at the University of Chicago) was uneducated. He was British and came to America to make his fortunes, doing door-to-door sales and then got into polling research and working with Roper and Gallup (the men who started those organizations). He conceived of an opinion research center that worked for the common people and got funding from major sources and support from universities to found what would become NORC. An inspiring "bootstraps" kind of story. I was happy to learn the story, although this was in the early part of last century when far fewer people had any higher education so I can't really apply it to anything in my life.

I am no longer car-free. I haven't ridden the bus in months. I'd go so far as to say I'm car-full, now. I have to drive about 10 miles a day. Carmac's school is one mile West of our house. I drop him off first and drive the 4 or so miles SE to work, dropping Zed off on the way. I park my car on the street next to Centennial Park and walk a couple of blocks to work. The weather has been rainstormy and very gloomy and chill lately. I really enjoy the walk, regardless of the weather. I wish I could leave for work earlier and park a little farther away so I could have a longer walk, but getting the boys to school on-time and not too early and then me to work on-time is a juggling act. And driving my scooter is not a possibility as I have to drop both boys off (unless we wanted to look like the photos one sees of Asian or Indian families of 3 or 4 or 5 all on a scooter). This is what I need:

I'm going to be saving all my checks for the next couple of months to buy a reliable car. To me, a car is a tool, nothing more; literally a vehicle to get me from point A to point B. I know I need something in which my three kids can ride comfortably with room for an extra kid or our dog. I need something very affordable. And I feel strongly that I want something fuel efficient and environmentally friendly (a relative concept, I know). I'm pretty sure I can't afford a hybrid. I'd love a vegetable oil biodiesel but I think it would be hard to find a reliable one that meets my specs. Generally, I enjoy researching things but I simply don't care anything about automobiles (scooters, motorcycles and autorickshaws, yes; cars, no) and feel overwhelmed by all the choices. I'm happy to learn from others and to take suggestions into consideration!

And where, I ask myself, is Spirit in my life right now? I know Spirit to be waiting patiently for me to get my head together and remember to become aware. God is not distant: I am. When life gets busy, immediate awareness of Spirit is the first thing I let go of; probably because I didn't have a very firm grasp in the first place. Thank God for grace.

Worry Night

I am not, by nature, a worrier. I have been blessed by the temperament which allows me to work on fixing problems which are within my control and letting go of all the other problems. I don't carry burdens around. I don't fret. I'm not one for floor pacing or nail biting.

I have a couple of friends and a mother who are worriers. They'll worry about most anything. If they speak with a stranger in a store check-out line and the stranger mentions she is having difficulty finding affordable trousers to fit her teen son, they'll worry about the stranger and her son. If they hear a news story about a child born on the other side of the world with a rare disease, they'll worry about the child, his parents, siblings, doctors and community. They carry burdens for family, friends, people they went to Elementary school with. They'll worry about things that other people insist are not problems. They'll worry about things that may someday become problems. They'll worry that they worry too much. They'll worry that other people don't worry enough.

As I said, I'm not like that. I own what is in my control and I am able to set down what is not. Except...about one night every six months or so: I call them worry nights. I have no prior indication when a worry night will come on; nothing presages a worry night and no particular thing seems to cause one, they just happen, like the weather (and another thing to not worry about: It's beyond my control so I don't worry). Last night was a worry night. I began by worrying about a potentially hurtful situation I may have inadvertently caused a loved one, which I can't mitigate. But the worry grew like fungus on a cold, damp wall. I worried about my job and my children. I worried about the old, junker car Hammy's parents have loaned me. I worried about the Nashville school system. I worried about the fact that I'd like to go to a fund-raiser at a school a friend teaches at but that I'll be too busy and tired to be able to go. I worried about having to work the day after Christmas and missing my in-laws' gathering and that they'll feel like I'm avoiding them. And then I moved on to the bigger world. I worried about pollution, about pedophiles, about genocide in Rwanda. I worried about things so far beyond my control as to almost, if they weren't so real and so horrifying, be laughable.

And now, on the sunrise of a new day, the worries have been worried and I can let go of them. The worry night is over and gone and I certainly won't worry about when the next one will visit me.

Making Room for New

I watched the film "Outsourced" last night. It's a lightweight movie about a guy who's job is outsourced to India and who has to go to India to train his replacement and staff in order to keep a position with the company. He resents being there, develops intestinal distress, behaves imperialistically...yadda, yadda, yadda, transformation...falls in love with a woman and the country. It was pretty formulaic but still, not a bad movie. Carmac and Zed watched it with me and they both enjoyed it.

During the first half of the movie, the American guy is pretty unnerved by depictions of Kali. His soon-to-be love interest (not to give the plot away, or anything) finally explains that Kali is the god of change and that if you want change, you should pray to Kali to destroy something (which he does and then Kali does and they all live happily ever...).

It seems to me that it should take either great courage or great ignorance to pray for something to be destroyed. To know that something was so drastically ill-fitting in one's life that one was willing to allow for the total destruction of something in order to make room for the new. I know I have been at points in my life when I would willingly have placed myself in that position. The thing is, though, that one would not have any say-so over what would be destroyed. The old "be careful what you wish for" syndrome. Of course, change is gonna happen whether we're ready for it or not. And sometimes the lesson is to learn from the place you are that feels so ill fitting. Sometimes what has to change are our perceptions or assumptions. Sometimes what has to change is our unwillingness to accept things as they are. And sometimes, on rare occasions, things actually have to blow up in order to make room for the growth that needs to take place.

My intention for today is to be aware of letting go of what is no longer needed in order to make space for new growth.

Homeschooling No More: Moving on...

Today I am officially no longer, after 12 and a half years, a homeschooling mother. My youngest son was enrolled in Kindergarten today and, to my surprise, said he would like to start school tomorrow rather than December 1st as we'd been planning.

This huge lifestyle change has been brought about by a fantastic job that has fallen in my lap. I will be supervising staff doing medical research study phone interviewing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center. I'm being hired for a 90,000 cohort cancer epidemiology study but the department I'll be in will be growing and, as it expands, I'll be learning each study that we do so I can train and supervise staff for each one. It's a really exciting job for me with great potential for growth and opportunity to learn new things. And it pays well and Vandy benefits are the best (free MTA bus rides! Discount tickets to lots and lots of cultural events! Paid tuition for my children after five years of employment!!!).

How it all went down was this: The project I was doing for the other university ended and there was no work coming up in the foreseeable future. I'd started letting people know that I was kind of beginning to look for a new gig but I hadn't even really decided whether I wanted to work part-time or try to enroll in school (with what money, exactly?). A friend from Friends Meeting works at Vandy and sent me the job description for this job. I filled out the application. Two business days later I got a call from the woman who will be my boss, S___, asking when I can come in to interview. I met with her and the head of the department the next day at which time I was shown where my desk will be and introduced to some of my staff. S___ called a couple of days later to say that what I'm bring to the staff will be experience that they are lacking and so I will round them out. She said they want me, but it was up to human resources to do the background check and then make an offer. Apparently that felony for the palanquin hijacking didn't show up because HR made me an offer of MORE than was in the range of the original job posting. I go in tomorrow to sign my contract and then go through orientation on December 1 and 2. I'll start in my real job the following day.

I keep feeling like I should pinch myself to see if I'm awake. S___ homeschools her teenager and totally understood my spotty work history. My job-before-last was working with families of prisoners--Sara's husband is a probation officer. She's been aware of my former university's reputation for in research interviewing for a long time and so was really excited to have my experience join her team! I feel so validated! I'm quite sure that if I had a college degree I wouldn't have much trouble finding a job. Having no college, though, makes finding meaningful and decently paying work something of a miracle. And I feel a miracle has occurred. My office is on the eighth floor of the building that overlooks Centennial Park, for heaven's sake! A good friend, who homeschooled her children for years and who also now works at Vandy, called to check on me and said: "It's like you're a real adult now!" and I totally know what she means.

Bittersweet are beginnings as they signify, also, an ending. The ending of an era, a very powerful identity, a bond with my children. The beginning of seeing myself as an (dare I say) academic wage-earner. The beginning of having three children in public schools. The beginning of a new autonomy but a much tighter schedule and greater chaos. I am ready for these changes and I welcome them. I think it will be a little hard leaving my little one at school tomorrow (mitigated by the fact that next week is Thanksgiving break and all the kids will be home) but he's excited and so am I. Change is good.