I'll be on a plane on en route to Lisle, Illinois 24 hours from now. I'm heading up there for my next work project training. I'll be gone until late Tuesday and will hit the ground running: My supplies should arrive on Wednesday and I have an interview scheduled for my current project Wednesday at 10:00.
I'm adrift right now. My mind is off somewhere ahead of me, racing. My thoughts and urges are decidedly unspiritual and completely unfocused. I'm ungrounded and uncentered. When I try to pray, within the 2 or 3 seconds of thinking that I want to pray and actually beginning to do so, my mind has jumped to something, whatever, else. I know that God IS and waiting for me, ready to welcome me back with grace. But this feeling of being unmoored is disconcerting, to say the least. And frustrating. Every time I "do" this, I feel like my spiritual life, awareness, growth, is three steps forward, two steps back. Not that anyone's measuring or anything. I feel I lose something when this happens. I know it's just part of who I am, part of my process to accept and learn to live with this aspect of my nature, but it's still hard.
I'm reading fiction right now, rereading Mary Doria Russell's second novel "Children of God". It's compelling and spiritual about loss and faith and the will of God. My mind is able to suspend it's convoluted revolutions when I'm reading something that engages my imagination.