the A word

I am a Christian but I support a woman's right to have an abortion. I am a feminist but I am uncomfortable with abortion past quickening and opposed to third trimester abortion. I don't think abortion is a sin. I do think abortion has the potential to deeply wound individual women. I think safe and legal abortion is absolutely necessary. I also think a healthy society should do everything possible to prevent unplanned and unwanted pregnancies.

I have had five pregnancies (that I was aware of), only one of which was planned. Three of my pregnancies resulted in live births, two of them ended in first trimester miscarriages. I have never had an abortion.

I became sexually active at 16. I was in a committed, loving relationship with a responsible young man. If I had gotten pregnant as a teen, I probably would have chosen to have an abortion. The reason was real to me then but now seems ironic. If I had gotten pregnant when I was 16 or 17 I would have had an abortion because I wouldn't have wanted the shame or scandal of being a pregnant teenage girl in my community, particularly in my church. I heard people say really mean things about pregnant girls and I wouldn't have wanted to be the one talked about; I didn't think I could handle the weight of the scorn. Pretty funny, when you think about it, that the church community that spent so much energy telling me abortion is a sin was the very reason I would have had one. But I was lucky. My boyfriend and I took lots of chances, had lots of unprotected sex but we never became pregnant (I did loosely practice a form of Natural Family Planning that I read about in a book at the home of a Catholic family I babysat for). I don't really understand why we didn't but I'm grateful that I never had to make that life or death decision and I'm especially grateful I didn't "have" to get married at 16, which, of course, would have been the other option. I shudder when I think of who I would now be if I'd been forced to marry at 16.

When I got pregnant with my oldest child I was 24, newly divorced from my first husband, unemployed with no health insurance, without a home of my own, carless and in a very casual relationship. I was the poster-child for instability. But I knew in my heart and in my mind that I wanted my baby and that I could care for him; almost the instant I was aware that I was pregnant, I loved him deeply. I never really even considered having an abortion. I firmly believed that everything would work out fine because it HAD to work out fine, and it did. I got a nanny gig that would allow me to bring my baby to work with me, moved in with Hammy and even paid the midwife in total before the baby's birth. Although on paper I appeared to be unstable, I actually had good internal resources and a supportive community to help me.

However, just because having the baby was the right decision for me doesn't mean it would be a good choice for another woman.

There are many reasons why abortion should be legal. Mainly, though, no woman should ever be forced to birth and raise a child she does not want. And no child should ever grow up without being loved and cherished. I think abortion is far preferable to a child being emotionally or physically neglected or abused. I think it would damage a woman's spirit and/or psyche less to have an early stage abortion than to give birth to and raise a baby she resented and didn't love.

I guess my sorta belief in reincarnation partially allows for my acceptance of abortion. Our souls, the Light within each of us, is a part of Divine Energy. Here on Earth or wherever we're part of God. Sometimes an individual soul has a journey to make on this Earth that takes 80 or 90 years and sometimes the journey is only for a few days; whatever the length of the journey, we'll all reunited with the One again, ultimately. I think that if abortion is a sin, it's only a sin if the woman believes it is and allows the guilt of making the choice to come between her and God. Which is not to say that if a woman does not think abortion is a sin she should enter into it lightly. Abortion should always be a deep, heavy and very well supported decision.

I know people who feel very differently about this issue who's opinions I respect. I don't think I have the answer for everyone, only for myself, and even then it evolves. I don't think anyone should make decisions for other people but that each person should be trusted and supported to make the decisions that best meet their own needs.

Nashville Friends Meeting Retreat

This weekend is the yearly Nashville Friends Meeting retreat. My feelings about it have waffled back and forth between really looking forward to it and feeling a good amount of stress over the planning of it but I think Diana and Linda have the planning under control and it will go well. I'm learning what a great and reliable person Diana is; she's an absolute pleasure to work with. Linda's more like me, she works in fits of enthusiasm. She's been sick and called last night to say she won't be able to go on the retreat because she has pneumonia in both lungs. I hate that she's worked so hard to get everything ready and won't be able to enjoy it but her body really needs total rest.

I'm taking my 3 boys plus Declan's girlfriend and one of Zed's best friends. Bonnie, Doug and Sophie are also teenagers who will be there. I'm going to get a cabin for all the young people and me to sleep in ala SAYF. I'm pretty sad that Finn won't have a peer but there will be lots of adults and teens to engage with him. I'm looking forward to being with this dynamic and truly wonderful group of young people! They interact with one another beautifully; they're respectful of one another and really loving. I think the weekend will be relaxing and unifying.

Liberal Christian Homeschoolers

I started a new googlegroup for liberal Christian homeschoolers yesterday. I've been part of an "inclusive" group for years. The people in the group are great but few are Christian and the atmosphere can be pretty hostile against fundamentalism which kind of bleeds over into all Christianity by name association. I'm needing to talk with others who follow the teachings of Jesus and who are learning to get in touch with Spirit. I feel really good that I've taken this step and reached out. I've already (virtually) met some interesting people and I can't wait to learn more with and from them!

I do wish I had a better term to use than Liberal Christian. The true meaning of liberal is accurate, but the word is so loaded full of connotations in our society that using that word sort of seems weighted. But I don't like defining myself by negatives, either: "non religious right Christian" or "non-fundamentalist Christian" or whatever. I am very open to suggestions for other words I can use.

Geography of Light

I'm listening to Carrie Newcomer's "Geography of Light" today. Her voice is like coming home. And her lyrics are like a guidepost showing the way. I've been a fan of hers since way back in her earliest days playing in Stone Soup. Even back then, when I was at my cynical best, the grace of her songs touched my heart. I was quite delighted, though not at all surprised, to learn a year or so ago, that she is a practicing Quaker.

On a Wing and a Prayer

Heidi and I will be co-leading the Growing In the Light today with the topic of prayer. We came upon the idea of making prayer beads so I went to Hobby Lobby last night and bought a buncha beads and bracelet elastic (I was out). The good news is that most of the beading supplies were half off. The bad new is that I went crazy and bought a bunch of beads to make gifts for Christmas, too and spent almost $60 total. Gulp.

We've never done a craft project for one of our GItL meetings so I'm not sure how this will go over but I think it will be received pretty well. Of course, I've waited until the very last minute to do the actual work (we leave for Meeting in 2 minutes and I just finished printing) but I feel OK about it. My main focus will be on intercessory prayer and praying without ceasing. I am using several books and have printed out quotes from each. I though we'd do a worship/sharing on the Queries at the end. Here's what I've copied:

From “Living In the Presence” by Tilden Edwards:

“The mind is a child of the Spirit, but it likes to run away from home.” -Gerald May

“The Latin root of our word prayer is precaria, “precarious.’”

From Catherine Whitmire’s book “Plain Living”:

To pray is to be vulnerably open to God’s unpredictable grace.-Patricia Loring

In prayer it is a matter of being present where we are.-Douglas Steere

My own belief is that outward circumstances are not often (I will not say never) directly altered as a result of prayer. That is to say, God is not always interfering with the working of the natural order….Prayer is not given to us to make life easy for us, or to coddle us, but to make us strong….We pray, not to change God’s will, but to bring our wills into correspondence with God’s.-William Littleboy

In prayer, the seeds of concern have a way of appearing. Often enough, a concern begins in a feeling of being personally liable, personally responsible, for someone or some event. With it there may come an intimation that one should do some little thing: speak to some person, make an inquiry into a certain situation, write a letter, send some money, send a book….But this seed is given us to follow, and if we do not follow it, we cannot expect to see what may grow from it. Seeds, not fruit, are given in prayer, but they are given for planting.-Douglas Steere

In…intercessory prayer there is a consciousness that your act of prayer enters into a great sweep of intercession that is already going on….William Temple, the late Archbishop of Canterbury, speaking of his own practice of intercessory prayer, would say on this point, “When I pray, coincidences happen, and when I do not, they don’t.”…

How, then, shall we lay hold of that Life and Power, and live the life of prayer without ceasing? By quiet, persistent practice in turning of all our being, day and night, in prayer and inward worship and surrender, toward the One, who calls in the deeps of our souls….Begin now, as you read these words, as you sit in your chair, to offer your whole selves, utterly and in joyful abandon, in quiet glad surrender to the One who is within….Walk and talk and work and laugh with your friends. But behind the scenes keep up the life of simple prayer and inward worship. Keep it up throughout the day. Let inward prayer be your last act before you fall asleep and the first act when you awake.
-Thomas R. Kelly

From “Listening Spirituality” by Patricia Loring:

Pray as you can, not as you can’t.-Dom John Chapman

Certainly intercessory prayer is not to be undertaken lightly. We may say blithely, “I’ll pray for you.” If we do in fact pray with integrity, with our hearts rather than just our lips, we will probably not be able to remain in a light-hearted mode, separate from that for which we pray. Like any other prayer, to enter it in Spirit and in Truth, is to open ourselves to the incalculable ways of the divine, to invite the unexpected, to risk being changed or confronted with the necessity of change. Willingness for that to happen is a prerequisite.

One of the first of the costs of intercessory prayer is that we come face to face with the limitations of our understanding of the ways in which situations and events arise, come into being, interact and change. We must give over a measure of the security we derive from thinking we know something of how the world works. To truly hold someone or something in the Light requires acknowledging the limited understanding, perhaps even our desire to see clearly, in order to be open to the unknown future, bringing the needs of others with us.



From “Plain Living:
Queries
-What process do I use to listen and “pay attention to the deepest thing I know”?
-Do I pay attention to the “seeds of concern” for others that may come to me in prayer? Do I act on them?
-Do I look for the “coincidences” that happen when I pray?

unemployment sucks

Well, dang. So, I'm unemployed again. We're broke. And Edgar Meyer and Chris Thile are playing next Tuesday. I love Edgar Meyer; he's

one of my all-time favorite musicians.

And, I

just learned that Billy Bragg released a CD

back in April that I now am dying to own. I'm crazy about Billy Bragg's music and his vision of the world.

Zoinkies. I'd better learn to live simply or simply learn to stop looking at music listings. Missing out on things that move me is kinda painful.

"Turn that noise down!"

Exactly when did I get so old, I'd like to know. How did it happen? I still feel like me but now I'm an adult--I no longer have the opportunity to die before I grow old, not that I wanted to or anything, but it's always nice to have options.

Today, I had parent/teacher conferences at my two older boys' schools and heaven help me if I didn't relate better-for the first time in my life-to the teachers! Don't get me wrong: I still HATE school uniforms and think they are ridiculous and would happily support whichever young people would like to actively protest at the board of education against them. But...the chemistry teacher that my son railed against so loudly about on our way to the school: He's really nice. And Z's middleschool English teacher: I could see us being friends.

And this weekend, I was a Friendly Adult Presence (FAP) at the Southern Appalachia Young Friends (SAYF) retreat. I love being with the teens but had to actively work to remember the feelings and emotions of teen years (except the everpresent sexual tension, which I remember with great fondness). I happily sat and talked with the other adults. I slept in a room with several young women. At one point, another FAP came into the room to see if there was room on the floor for her sleeping bag. After she left, one of the girls-a very sweet but very blunt 13 year old, said "I hope this doesn't become the old geezer room". ME?! A GEEZER??? Ouch.

Except the music. Most folks my age and older have really lame taste in music. But then, most young folks listen to either really lame music or music that I've never heard of or music that hurts my brain. Ok, what I mean is that it's hard to find many people with similar taste in music to my own. So that I wouldn't have to listen to iPod playlists put together by disco aficionados or heavy metal enthusiasts, I brough my own stack of cds; music I thought the teens might enjoy: Violent Femmes, XTC, Talking Heads, Ani Defranco, Billy Bragg, the Replacements "Pleased to Meet Me". No one mutinied so I guess it was tolerable to them. Oh yeah, I did try to sneak in some Woody Guthrie which got made fun of and removed from the playlist in it's third track, but I think I did pretty well with the rest of my choices.

Rock on.

Extricating Myself from the Web

This may be incredibly obvious to y'all but it was a bit of a light-bulb thing for me:

I check my email frequently. Like, probably every two hours or so. I also read the headlines every 3-4 hours, do a crossword type word puzzle with breakfast and usually checkout what's going on at a couple of politically liberal websites and read new posts on a couple of blogs I follow closely (jeez, writing that makes it seem like I'm on-line a LOT which it doesn't feel like I am but then, when I'm conducting the social survey that I've done 4 times, one of the questions is how much TV people watch and invariably, people say "hardly any" when it turns out they usually watch at least 2 and oftentimes 4 hours a day! I feel tremendously superior because I don't watch TV at all-well, I have watched the debates but that's all. But now, seeing it in writing, I see that I waste as much time just in a different way). I'm an habitual multi-tasker; as I last posted, I get bored really quickly: I feel I need constant stimulation. One thing I've done for a long time is to have a game of "spider solitaire" going all the time on the computer so when I'm waiting for a website to load, I always click on the game to keep me occupied. I also often wind up playing to the end of the game and maybe another one each time I get off-line, thus wasting a great amount of time collectively. Yesterday, after I did my 30 seconds of actual meditation, I thought about how I can live my life as a prayer. Hmmmm. I thought about what it would take for me to make that leap and had the idea that I could just try to ask myself where God is in the moment, each time I have the momentary awareness of God. But, there's not really that much time in which I am aware. And I started thinking about what I do everyday-that makes me more aware of God's presence in my life and what makes me oblivious to God. The Chihuahua needing constant entertaining definitely keeps me heedless of God; you might say the Chihuahua is Satan, if you're inclined to think that way (which I'm not, although I do see my own ego and love of constant stimulation as being a major sin of mine). So, I thought that I'd do just one thing less to keep the Chihuahua entertained and, duh-the lightbulb, decided to try to live without spider solitaire for a day. And you know, although I found myself habitually opening it up, I was able to stop, close it and each time I did, I was also able to ask myself where God was in the action I was taking. Like, where is God in my response to this email? Where is God in me learning more things to dislike about Sarah Palan? Where is God in reading the blog of my dear friend who has cancer? Where is God in me playing this word game? It was a very centering practice. I did it again today, not to as good effect because I was really busy with work all day and very distracted by my schedule when I checked my emails (I actually wouldn't have checked email at all except that I'm in the middle of organizing a couple of group activities which I've messed the dates up on and am trying to get the mess I've made straightened out).

I've got four interviews to conduct before noon tomorrow, do a bunch of paperwork and then have to pack up my laptop and all my work project related stuff to take to FedEx and pack all my stuff and be to the meetinghouse by 4:00 tomorrow so I can drive a vanfull of teens to the SAYF retreat in Asheville for the weekend. It's gonna be CRAZY. The good thing is that D and Z are out of school tomorrow so they can help with Carmac. I'm not really in the frame of mind to go on a retreat; I've been running on Chihuahua adrenaline for the last week or so. I think, though, that the wonderful Quaker young people will demonstrate for me how to be in the moment. I love just sitting back and watching them interact with one another.

the Chihuahua in the Mirror

I've committed to my spiritual discipline for this coming year via my commitment to Growing In the Light spiritual formation group. Praying every day is one of my ways of drawing closer to God (duh). (ideally, all my thoughts and actions would be prayer). I generally try to spend several minutes in prayer each morning but lately, the Chihuahua has been getting into speed or something because I can not get her to stop yapping and running in circles. Monkey mind has nothing on this hyperactive little dog. Sheesh.
So, this morning I tried to pray and got distracted by this, that and everything else. And I thought, "this dog is running my life! I need to learn to tame the chihuahua". I've read about and studied on and done everything with meditation except to ever really learn to meditate. I think meditation is the best way to try to give the chihuahua some amount of discipline. I know that I can't clear my mind-there is no way I can not think or think of nothing. That whole "clouds across a sky" imagery gets too convoluted for me because first the cloud is a bunny then it morphs into a horse and then the chihuahua is off and yipping. I decided to breathe in four counts, breathe out four counts and focus on my breathing. Which I did for probably 2 or 3 minutes (which is GREAT for me, believe it or not) when I found my attention beginning to wander a bit. I pulled it back to "breath in, breath out" a couple of times..."breathe in, breathe out...what time is my first appointment this morning?...breathe in, breathe..did I just hear Carmac? What's he doing awake already? He needs more...breathe in, breathe out...breathe in, breathe out...man, this is boring". ?!! Yes. I said boring. My mind being even remotely still for a moment I found to be boring. Wow. That is incredibly telling. I use the chihuahua to keep me entertained and occupied. I love my rapid-cycle mental acrobatics. I love running in circles and yapping at every passing whim; they stimulate me and keep me on my toes. I am Walter Mitty. I am the Incredible Mr. Limpett. I am not rooted in reality.

Obviously, I need to work on this. I will go think about it right now. Yip, yip, yip.

There's a Light

I read an interview with John Records, who runs a shelter called COTS for homeless people in Petaluma, in the September issue of The Sun magazine. This quote by him really spoke to me:

It hurts sometimes to see people making what seem
like avoidable mistakes. I work with clients who have led terrible hard lives, and a few have a chip on their shoulder, but that attitude might be all that's left of their dignity and self-respect. I can understand that. The prayer of Saint Francis is essential to my perspective:

Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is
darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

The amount of despair, darkness, and sadness in the world is just staggering. So regardless of whether you can help someone put his or her life back together, there is darkness you can light, despair to which you can offer hope. It doesn't really matter whether you think someone can be helped. It's great when it works out that way, but that's not necessarily why you do it.

"What Light" is a song by Wilco:

If you feel like singing a song

And you want other people to sing along

Then just sing what you feel

Don't let anyone say it's wrong

And if you're trying to paint a picture

But you're not sure which colors belong

Just paint what you see

Don't let anyone say it's wrong

And if you're strung out like a kite

Or stung awake in the night

It's alright to be frightened

When there's a light

What light

There's a light

What light

There's a light

White light

Inside of you

You think you might need somebody

To pick you up when you drag

Don't lose sight of yourself

Don't let anyone change you back

And if the whole world's singing your songs

And all you're paintings have been hung

Just remember what was yours is everyone's from now on

And that's not wrong or right

But you can struggle with it all you like

You'll only get uptight

When there's a light

What light

There's a light

What light

There's a light

White light

There's a light

White light

There's a light

One light

There's a light

White light

There's a light

One light

There's a light

White light

There's a light

One light

There's a light

One light

There's a light

White light

There's a light

White light

Inside of you

There's a light

White light

There's a light

White light

There's a light

White light

There's a light

One light